Joker quotes from The New Batman Adventures

Batgirl

Don't be stupid! You can't save that money!

The Joker

I don't want to save it. I want to go with it.

The Joker

[being driven back to Arkham] After all, it's only money. [chuckles] So I'll let the taxpayers foot my bill again. Besides, it'll be nice to see the old gang.

Harley Quinn

[dressed as a guard] One of them's dying to see you too, puddin'.

The Joker

Harley.

Harley Quinn

The one and only.

The Joker

You... you don't know how happy I am to see you.

Harley Quinn

[brandishing a nightstick] Welcome to the club.

The Joker

Harley, my dear, I can- (WHAM!) AH! - explain...! (POW!) OW! EEE! AH!

Joker

What?! You should be sidewalk stroganoff!

I changed the menu.

Hey! What's going on here?! We're live!

Joker

No, I'm live; you're DEAD! [gases him.]

Harley Quinn

Think Bat saw you puddy tat?

Joker

Oh he did, he did. He'd never miss a show about me, he's my biggest fan, but just in case.

Creeper

[confronting the Joker.] Wow! It DOES strike terror into the hearts of criminals!

Harley Quinn

He's the creep who's stealing your act!

Creeper

And that's not all, Mr. Happy! [grabs Harley Quinn and starts slobbering over her.] I'm stealing your girl, too!

Harley Quinn

I swear, Mr. J, I didn't encourage him.

Joker

[yanks her back into his arms.] That's okay, pooh. I know you're a one-man loon.

Commissioner Gordon

I don't mind telling you, I really hate these check-ups. If it weren't part of the police physical, I wouldn't be here at all.

Oh, come now, Commissioner. What in this miserable world is more beautiful...

Joker

...THAN A NICE, BIG SMILE? (laughs)

Harley Quinn

Naughty, naughty. Jump around like that and the doctor won't give you a lollipop.

Joker

[tossing a grenade into Gordon's lap] May the floss be with you!

Commissioner Gordon

I REALLY hate these check-ups.

Harley

[seductively] A-hem. [The Joker ignores her] A-HEM!

The Joker

Go away! I'm busy.

Harley

Aww, c'mon, Mr. J., don't you wanna rev up your Harley? Vroom-vroom!

Joker

Batman was right! That teeth gag WAS predictable. Old hat. It's time I capped off our feud with his ultimate humiliation... followed by his deliciously delirious death.

Harley

Why don't ya just shoot him?

Joker

[appalled] "Just shoot him"?! Know this, my sweet: the death of Batman must be nothing less than a masterpiece! The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets!

Care to tell me how this got in my office?

Joker

I put it there.

I think the guards would be interested to know you've been out of your cell.

Joker

If you really were going to tell, you already would have. You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name, Harleen Quinzel. Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.

Like the clown character, "Harlequin". I know. I've heard it before.

Joker

It's a name that puts a smile on my face. It makes me feel there's someone here I can relate to. Someone who might like to hear my secrets.

[voiceover] It took me three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.

The Joker

You know, my father used to beat me up pretty badly.

[voiceover] Anything except that.

The Joker

Anytime I got out of line - POW! Or sometimes I would be just sitting there, doing nothing - BAM! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.

[moved] Uh-huh.

The Joker

There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was 7. I still remember the clowns, running around and dropping their pants. [laughs] My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut. So, the very next night, I ran to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, dad, look at me!" ZOOP! [drop his pants] Then, I took a big pratfall and tore the crotch clean out of his pants! [He starts laughing; Harleen Quinzel laughs along with him until tears show in her eyes]

The Joker

...And then he broke my nose.

The Joker

But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from people who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... [snarls] or Batman!

Harley

But puddin', I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?

Joker

Only if I do it, idiot!

Harley

But it's still your plan, see? [shows him his blueprints] Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles! Now it all works!

Joker

Except you had to explain it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! [tears up the blueprints in anger]

Harley

[grabbing a swordfish to defend herself] Now calm down, puddin'...

Joker

You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!

Joker

And don't call me "puddin'".

What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume?

Joker

[seizes Luthor by his jacket] There's nothing "mere" about THAT mortal.

Joker

Only you would solve a riddle with a computer, Butt-man! You've got the sense of humour of a rock! Lucky thing I'm on the team now, for stuff like this. But if I have to wear a flying animal costume, I want to be the Squirrel.

Don't make me gag you.

Joker

You do and I'll sue. I have the right to remain noisy.