The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!
S5Glenda Jackson
S5 E1Loretta Swit
Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
Well, uh, what would make you think a thing like that?
The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue Magazine!
Oh. Oh, him. Well, it was just a little, teeny tiny item.
It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
Well, it was a slight exaggeration...
That's a bald-faced lie, Piggy!
Well, you know, we are close...
I will not stand around while you do dumb things like that, Piggy!
That is not dumb...
You have done that to me too many times, Piggy! I will not stand for it! I will not stand for it!
Well, what are you gonna do?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! FIRED!!
S5 E11Paul Simon
Simple Simon met a pieman! "Going to the fair?" said Simple Simon to the pieman!
Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
To go where?
Well, here! [pies Fozzie Bear in the face]
I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.
What are you gonna do?
I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! [the chickens flock to Paul]
Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!
Am I interrupting anything?
Hey Gonzo! Come on in!
Thank you!
Can I tell you something?
Sure.
You are my favourite muppet.
Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?
Oh yeah, sure.
And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
Which one of your songs?
You don't think I'm musically educated?
Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—
Good. Hand me that clarinet. [gestures to Paul's guitar]
Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!
[sighs] I feared you would say that.
S5 E13Tony Randall
Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! [laughs]
Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
Terrified? She's petrified! [laughs]
Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, "Sandblasting Without Pain"! [laughs]
Hey, hey, Gonzo!
Yeah?
Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
Worried about Kermit? Why?
Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! [laughs]
OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
[affectionally] Mmmmmmmm.
Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
Burn them. [leaves to the stage]
[to Miss Piggy] You heard what the frog said. [strikes a match on her]
[painfully] MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
[laughs]
S5 E14Mac Davis
[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]
Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! [Beaker exhales heavily and walks off] Because I can't understand it.
[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine] I've only got one thing to say! HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!! [Runs in a panic attack]
S5 E15Carol Burnett
CBCarol Burnett
Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
What were the other two?
CBCarol Burnett
There are no other two; I was just being kind.
S5 E16Gladys Knight
[During the Opening number]
AArcheologist
Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
SSacarogi
When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see anybody!
Character quotes, unidentified episodes
S5 E17Hal Linden
Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
Yeah, And for the show, too.
So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
[As he goes on Stage] YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
HLHal Linden
Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
It sure is.
Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
HLHal Linden
Has it really?
Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
HLHal Linden
What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
And Hal, You're a big part of it.
HLHal Linden
Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
[Everybody laughs]
Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. [exits the stage]
We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! [exits the stage].
Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on The Muppet Show.
Bye!
S5 E20Debbie Harry
You left out one rainbow song!
DHDebbie Harry
I did? Which one?
My rainbow song!
AMrs. Appleby
Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.
S5 E24Gene Kelly
When will we get there?
JSDr. Julius Strangepork
In about 1 minute from, NOW!
[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Muppet Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.