I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
What's wrong with it?
The seats face the stage!
S2 E1Don Knotts
S2 E2Zero Mostel
ZZero
I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
I think you know why I am here.
Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.
S2 E3Milton Berle
I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Hey, bro!
What?
Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.
Really?
You work like Gregory Peck.
Gregory Peck is not a comedian.
Well?
Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.
How come we got this half?
Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
That's right.
What's right?
We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.
You first!
"Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't paying any attention to old folks. Let me tells the story.
Hey, bro!
Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
You know what you're doing wrong?
What I'm doing wrong?
Standing too close to the audience.
Oh, yeah? How is this?
You're still too close.
Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
Now little more.
How far back do you want me to go?
You got a car?
Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
He can't. He's too busy.
Doing what?
Keeping people in!
(to the audience) And you encourage him! Thath's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.
Please not while I'm holding it.
That's very funny.
Ah, you can use it.
I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
How come they never reach your mouth?
Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?
Not so far!
Oh, I see. You think you could do better?
I couldn't do worse.
Allright.
We should.
Oh, yeah? You sing?
No.
You dance?
No.
Can you get laughs?
No
Then what would you do?
Just what your doing.
Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!
Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.
Could I help you out?
Please.
Which way did you came in?
Oh, what's this?
[in disguise] What does it look it like, small boy I have never seen before?
SWStatler and Waldorf
Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski & Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
Hey, Berle!
What?
You know what? I've just figured out your style.
Really?
You work like Gregory Peck.
Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
Well?
Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
How come we got this half?
Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
That's right.
What's right?
We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
You first!
"Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
Hey, hey, Berle!
Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
You know what you're doing wrong?
What'm I doing wrong?
You're standing too close to the audience.
Oh, yeah? [steps back] How is this?
You're still too close.
Oh, sorry. [steps back more] Is this okay?
No, a little more.
How far back do you want me to go?
You got a car?
Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
He can't. He's too busy.
Doing what?
Keeping people in!
[to the audience] And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! [to Statler and Waldorf] You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
Please, not while I'm holding it.
That's very funny.
Ah, you can use it.
I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?
Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. "How's it going?" It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
Well, could I help you out?
Please, huh?
Which way did you came in?
[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside] Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!
S2 E4Rich Little
A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
How about a talking frog?
S2 E5Judy Collins
J.P. [on the phone]: Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.
Sam the Eagle [approaches the podium for the announcement]: I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! [to somebody] What do I do? [leaves the podium]
S2 E6Nancy Walker
Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
I don't know, what's on stage now?
Nothing.
NOTHING'S ON STAGE?
Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- [sneezes] ACHOOO!
Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!
Goodbye everybody.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Muppet Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.