None of this counts. This whole season arrived in a clown car of lies, and it never happened! Ruxin still reigns as champion, and Andre still has the Sacko!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I have got to win the Shiva, because if I don't win the Shiva, then I don't win the bet!
Hey, babe. You won the bet.
Huh?
I'm pregnant.
Wait, just because I won?
No, I found out a couple days ago.
We're gonna have another baby?
Yeah.
Are you sure it's not my baby? I did jerk off in your underwear drawer.
She was flickin' that bean like Mean Joe Greene
All right, I love hospital parties. Where is the bar?
There's no bar. It's a hospital.
It's America. There's always a bar.
I just look at all the players that are available, give them +1's or -1's for all their attributes, and it actually kind of works on women too.
How so?
Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free-agency market, right? The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.
They're drafted to other people's teams.
And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage. Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know. This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.
Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?
Pretty much, yeah. I mean, look, here's an example. These three nice ladies over here. The one in the middle—she's beautiful. That gives her a +2. But look closely under her fingernails—there's some chalk. Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early. That's a big -1 for me. Also, very expensive necklace—not affordable on a teacher's salary. That means she's probably taken. That gives her a -2, which means I've got to find another player to pick up.
Poor little Chalupa is gonna lose his crispy outer shell.
Can you not speak of my son's member as if it was fourthmeal?
This league is a pain in my ass. I didn't ask to be a part of it, and I want out.
But you're the Shiva.
That's right, I am the Shiva. Totally. And the Shiva is angry. This league does not have the Shiva's blessing. This year will go badly for everyone. The Shiva has spoken.
SSutton
I had a really great time tonight, but I just...I don't think that this is gonna work.
You know that already?
SSutton
Yeah, I'm getting older, and I feel like a lot of guys, they have baggage, so I just, I've had to...
[getting it] Implement a system.
SSutton
Exactly, yes.
I understand. All right, I hate to ask, but...how did I do?
SSutton
Okay, full head of hair, +1. Confident, +1. I like that you stalked me in the food court for a while, +1.
This is good. You're thorough.
SSutton
But there's the immaturity, -1. Fear of commitment, -1.
That's right.
SSutton
You had three drinks, -1.
You had four.
SSutton
You were in the bathroom so long, -1.
Wait, wait, wait, there was a line there; we discussed this. I stand by that.
SSutton
For the men's room? Come on. Bragging about how much sleep you get, -1.
It's a nice quality.
SSutton
And you didn't have to tell me what celebrity every single person in the restaurant looked like.
I'm still convinced that guy might have been Tony Danza.
SSutton
-1, and I'm not even gonna get into the whole thing about how you're still friends with my ex-boyfriend, and I'm sure you've talked about what I'm like in bed.
Sutton, I would never do...okay, -1.
SSutton
So that's...-7.
That's rough.
SSutton
Sorry, Pete. Good night.
Well played, Sutton. You're out of my league.
Oh, hey Pete.
Taco, what the hell are you doing here?
I'm gonna hang out with Sutton. No, I know the deal. No dating, just sex.
Yeah, but...
SSutton
Independently wealthy, +8.
I'm not comfortable with this at all. It doesn't look very sterile. I saw some kid picking his nose outside.
Have you met your daughter?
What's that supposed to mean?
[after getting "killed" in paintball] GATTACA!
WSWesley-san
Arigato...racist.
I don't respect you, okay?
GGail
Perfect. I don't respect myself.
What?! Okay, fine. Truth be told, there's another girl here.
GGail
Awesome.
You're into that?!
GGail
How do you think I got through nursing school?
You know what? You gotta go.
GGail
I'm not going.
Just pack it up!
GGail
I am here...
I don't find you attractive!
GGail
I don't care!
I think your face is gross, I think your boobs are different sizes, and I think [points to crotch] this is way too big!
GGail
All right, you are getting me so hot right now.
What?!
GGail
Yes! Treat me like shit.
This is Sofia, the light of my life.
GGail
Yeah, right.
She's the most beautiful woman in the world.
Aw...
I love you so much.
I love you so much.
GGail
Bullshit.
Bullshit? Fine.
[He kisses Sofia]
[sick] Sofia Ruxin forever unclean.
I love you.
I love you.
GGail
All right, you know what? I don't have to take this. You really messed this up. You could've had sex with the most pathetic, insecure, desperate woman you've ever met. I would have let you put me in a cage!
I have a cage!
GGail
Have fun in your cage alone!
[as she leaves] Later, Gail.
What was that all about?
Oh, I was just messing around. But by the way, great kiss.
Really?
[to Ruxin] I hope you're getting a lot of this, man because this is some terrific kissing right here my sister does.
I'm a good kisser.
Ugh! No!
I mean, you're such a good kisser, you got my dick hard, and I'm your brother.
Oh, come on, I didn't make you hard.
You can check. You can check.
I'm gonna go smoke a bowl. I'll be right back.
Holy shit, is this for real?
These seem hard, but they're...not.
There's a lot of math.
How can an electronics store have 182 customers in one day?
I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.
[taking shots with two women] To the Wonderlic! You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?
Suzannah's giving away entirely too much of her tips.
You're still on Suzannah?
Yeah.
[breaking his pencil tip] Can I have another pencil?
The Wilson family has an eating disorder.
Joan's coat cost...
Just shut up.
[sitting back down] Who wants some shots?
[leaving] I'm outta here.
Car's in the back.
[going the other way] Oh, shit on a bum!
Just kidding. It's in the front.
Oh! Bum shits on me!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The League pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.