And the thing with this Wonderlic test was not that the questions were so hard, but they were terribly worded. One of them was, like, "Randolph's got eight pairs of pants, four shirts, and six ties—how many days can he wear an outfit without repeating one?"
Maybe, but you know, probably not. There were harder ones than that. They even went so far as to make up words. How many pints in a peck? That's not even real. What's a peck?
No, it's not, sweetheart. You're wrong.
I'm not even really convinced this whole piano thing is a good idea. I just want to start her on an activity that ensures she'll never have sex.
Okay, I still like my idea. I really think we should consider ballet. She can dance around with gay guys, and she won't have sex 'til she's, like, 30.
Are you kidding me? Everyone wants to have sex with ballerinas. Did you see Black Swan ? Ballerinas wanna have sex with ballerinas. I think musical instruments are the way to go, and we should just be thankful it's not a woodwind.
[She mimes playing a clarinet, but it looks like...]
Michael Moore came in here and J'd off in our bathroom.
Cracked his meat all over the place. It's disgusting!
He just jerked off in our bathroom?
Yes! He saw you, and then asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and...
What?! That is disgusting! He went and jerked off in our bathroom [gets a little flattered] after he saw me walk by?
First this guy comes in and treats or house like an adult theater, then he drops off a racist piano. Obviously the piano company just unloaded a product they didn't want anymore.
He unloaded a lot of stuff no one wants.
[All finding Ellie singing "Pick a Bale of Cotton" while wearing Jenny's robe]
You know what, sweetheart? Why don't we stop playing a musical instrument and start watching television?
Yeah, I hear The Grand Wizards of Waverly Place is on.
You know what? Let's just get rid of this thing before we traumatize our daughter more than we already have.
You know, if we just put her in ballet, all I would have to return is a pair of Capezios and an eating disorder.
Can I propose a best-of-both-worlds scenario?
Maybe you should get some chocolate pudding, wipe it all over her face, and then she can perform Blackface Swan .
This is Taco, this is Michelle.
M Michelle
Friend, client?
Oh, hey, Ellie. Nice haircut.
Don't talk back to me—I'm an adult. [Sees the microscope] Oh, cool! Let me know when you're done with this. This'll make an awesome guest bong.
C Charlie
Can I ask you about sex?
Sure, buddy. How old are you?
How many women have you had sex with?
What? Wow, you're way behind. I'll introduce you to my friend Andre's sister.
Tell me the story again. You were both running for the computer. You fell, she picked up the player. I mean, this sounds a little...
I would say that there has been foul play here.
Are you insinuating I put a bounty on my own husband's head?
In the video post, you said that you wanted to take him out.
It was a joke. You're on the message boards all the time saying that you're gonna put your D up Kevin's B. Do you?
No, because he is Pete's property.
You look like the oldest boy band ever, and Ruxin, you look like their creepy gay manager.
DS Deion Sanders
[laughing] This is good. You can't be friends, right? Because no one told the other person how they really look. Are you guys a boy band?
When we all hang out, people call us the Dre Tones.
D Deion
Yeah, I got one better. Old Kids on the Block.
[shamed] That's a good one.
D Deion
What about the Old Street Boys? I got one more, one more. Bell Biv DeOld!
Yeah, well, these clothes are poison.
Thanks for the car, assholes. Eat my dick! [Peels off in the Shivamobile with the Shiva in the back] I'm gonna blast this trophy in the butt!
Wait a minute, is this my team? I've got four kickers and no quarterback. It looks worse than Aaron Hernandez's alibi.
What happened to Aaron Hernandez? Is he okay?
I refuse to poison our union.
You mean more than you already have, with your widow-making death jizz?
Where's the nearest bathroom?!
I think they're pretty far.
[runs to the ocean] No options! Can't hold in!
[with camera] I'm getting it!
T Ted
Dibs on "sea biscuit" as my new team name!
I gotta have vacation sex with that!
Oh, God, Pacific Ocean forever unclean!
T Trixie
I am so sick of your bullshit! I don't even like any of you people, you have horrible style. This is MY WEDDING! fuck your league! Fuck it!
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's The League pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
