[on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on—left this world for a better place.
My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...
No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.
Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.
It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.
Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl—I took it.
I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.
Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.
To Jenny--honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.
Taco100% agree.
Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.
He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...
Andre, the shit just got really real.
And you better not fuck this up.
This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!
SSutton
I had a really great time tonight, but I just...I don't think that this is gonna work.
SSutton
Yeah, I'm getting older, and I feel like a lot of guys, they have baggage, so I just, I've had to...
[getting it] Implement a system.
I understand. All right, I hate to ask, but...how did I do?
SSutton
Okay, full head of hair, +1. Confident, +1. I like that you stalked me in the food court for a while, +1.
This is good. You're thorough.
SSutton
But there's the immaturity, -1. Fear of commitment, -1.
SSutton
You had three drinks, -1.
SSutton
You were in the bathroom so long, -1.
Wait, wait, wait, there was a line there; we discussed this. I stand by that.
SSutton
For the men's room? Come on. Bragging about how much sleep you get, -1.
SSutton
And you didn't have to tell me what celebrity every single person in the restaurant looked like.
I'm still convinced that guy might have been Tony Danza.
SSutton
-1, and I'm not even gonna get into the whole thing about how you're still friends with my ex-boyfriend, and I'm sure you've talked about what I'm like in bed.
Sutton, I would never do...okay, -1.
SSutton
Sorry, Pete. Good night.
Well played, Sutton. You're out of my league.
Taco
Oh, hey Pete.
Taco, what the hell are you doing here?
Taco
I'm gonna hang out with Sutton. No, I know the deal. No dating, just sex.
SSutton
Independently wealthy, +8.
Taco
I'm gonna go smoke a bowl. I'll be right back.
Holy shit, is this for real?
These seem hard, but they're...not.
How can an electronics store have 182 customers in one day?
I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.
Taco
[taking shots with two women] To the Wonderlic! You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?
Suzannah's giving away entirely too much of her tips.
You're still on Suzannah?
[breaking his pencil tip] Can I have another pencil?
The Wilson family has an eating disorder.
Taco
[sitting back down] Who wants some shots?
Taco
Oh, hey, Ellie. Nice haircut.
Taco
Don't talk back to me—I'm an adult. [Sees the microscope] Oh, cool! Let me know when you're done with this. This'll make an awesome guest bong.
CCharlie
Can I ask you about sex?
Taco
Sure, buddy. How old are you?
Taco
Do you own a waterbed?
Taco
How many women have you had sex with?
Taco
What? Wow, you're way behind. I'll introduce you to my friend Andre's sister.
Where's the nearest bathroom?!
I think they're pretty far.
[runs to the ocean] No options! Can't hold in!
Taco
[with camera] I'm getting it!
TTed
Dibs on "sea biscuit" as my new team name!
I gotta have vacation sex with that!
Oh, God, Pacific Ocean forever unclean!
Taco
Hey, Shitsipper, you're six orders behind. What's going on?
I'm cooking as fast as I can. You got a tiny hibachi here.
Taco
You're not supposed to cook all the way through the meat.
Taco
You leave it raw on the inside, you're wasting heat.
By the way, you don't have any soap left. I can't wash my hands with anything.
Taco
Oh, Princess wants some soap. Ruxin, I don't think you realize this, but the stuff I steal costs money. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet I gave you?
'Cause the hairnet you gave me is just a lacy thong, and from how stiff it is, I believe it's been used.
Taco
Of course it's used, that helps it catch the hair.
The League · 151 quotes
