Taco McArthur quotes from The League

[in court seeing Taco eating popcorn] Taco? I knew one day you'd get arrested. What did you do?

Taco

I'm here for the show.

What show?

Taco

My favorite show's Judge Joe Brown, and my cable's out, so I figure this will be the next best thing.

View quote →

Why didn't you just move out of the way, Taco?

Taco

Why? I couldn't stop. I was at the vinegar strokes.

What are vinegar strokes?

Taco

It's the point during the sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes likes someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.

View quote →

[seeing a video of Taco having sex on his desk] I can't believe you did all of that on my desk!

Taco

I'm as upset as you are. I realize you can't capture your own vinegar strokes. That's why I need to watch you having sex.

No, you're not going to watch me have sex.

Taco

Yeah, yeah, when's your girlfriend comin' over? I'll hide in the corner, she won't see me. I'll just watch you.

First of all, I'm not dating anyone right now, and secondly, no!

View quote →

What's that thing on top?

That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.

Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?

No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.

Thank you.

You're just saying that.

You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.

GThe guys

[toasting] To The Sacko.

I love it. I hope I never win it.

Taco

Smells like a new car.

View quote →

Taco

In my spare time, I like writing obituaries.

Excuse me?

Taco

Obituaries for you guys.

Your hobby is imagining what you're going to write when we die?

Taco

You guys don't do this?

KAKevin and Andre

No.

View quote →

[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.

Taco

And please make him stop stinking so much.

Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.

[Inside the house]

Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.

I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.

KJKevin and Jenny

Eh.

Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.

Do not jinx him.

Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...

Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...

Post!

Post?

Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]

SHIT!!!!!!

[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!

Taco

[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.

Shit!

Taco

Did you lose?

You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!

Taco

My eggs!

[still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Ellie

Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.

Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!

I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.

View quote →

Ellie is having a great time with all these hammers and nails, so...

Taco

And she's killing it on the electric saw. Learned it in five minutes.

Ellie, just go inside, we're gonna start dinner soon, OK? Wash your hands, please.

Ellie

No promises!

View quote →

Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.

Taco

Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.

What is Taccot?

Taco

Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.

This is my home.

Taco

Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.

Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.

Taco

A giant.

No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.

Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.

You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.

OK, I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?

OK. What happened in my apartment during the draft?

EEEveryone else

Nothing!

Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?

EEEveryone else

No!

Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.

Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.

Taco

Andre's sister? Shotgun last.

I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.

Huh.

Kevin, three quarterbacks.

That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.

Taco

I like kickers. They're the toughest.

Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.

I'm not letting go of anyone good--no!

Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.

I like Maurice Jones-Drew.

I know you do.

Hey, what about me?

I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.

It's good.

It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.

It's still not fair.

Just wait. Hold on.

Taco

You just got a great kicker.

One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?

EEEveryone else

All in.

View quote →

It's not ice cream, it's sorbet. You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate. Just gently. No, you're using your teeth. Biting is not good for the sorbet.

Who cares about the sorbet?

I care about the sorbet.

HNHeather Nowzick

Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath. Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it. By accident, almost. By accident with your lips.

Taco

Don't be shy to get a little finger in there too.

Oh, so eating sorbet is like...going to church.

That would be amazing.

Taco

I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.

Oh. I got a seed.

HHeather

That happens. You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight. It fell asleep, and you [demonstrating] have to drag it with the motion of your head.

RRupert

I love the way Heather eats that sorbet. I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that. You're doing something with your...with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue. Like this. [Shows Heather, who does the same] Yeah, get active. Doesn't have to be completely dead. But it really is whatever you feel like. [Heather sticks her thumb in her mouth and pulls it out slowly] Ah...I like what you're doing there. You do as you feel. Dip it in. [Heather does so] And...deep, and you can make it deep.

I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that.

HHeather

Sticky.

I feel like I'm watching my own birth.

RRupert

[as Heather spanks the sorbet] Yeah, you show me how you like me to eat sorbet.

Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?