[on webcam with Jenny, the others watching on their respective computers] Season's greetings, everyone.
We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a happy and healthy holiday season.
We have so much to be thankful for.
We have a healthy, wonderful daughter.
And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?
It seemed to have slipped my mind. Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs. Most families don't have any.
AndreNever should've made that trade with Taco.
And this week's matchup should be a cakewalk.
Yes, you are going to obliterate Peter.
And you are going to kill Rodney.
So from the first family of fantasy football...
...to your family at home...
KJKevin and Jenny
Suck it!
[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.
And please make him stop stinking so much.
Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.
[Inside the house]
Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.
I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.
Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.
Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...
Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...
Andre
Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]
[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!
[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.
You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!
[still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...
Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.
Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!
I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.
It's time for our offerings to the ShiDre, and I think we should start with the Shiva Bowl contestants, and I think ladies before dickheads.
Ladies before dickheads, go ahead.
[offering a donut-shaped pillow] ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre's backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.
Next, as a ode to your terrible fashion sense, Dre and Andre, [offers a red porkpie hat] I offer you the hat that you gave me for Christmas.
Andre
Okay, you know what. Forgive me, but I think that hat's pretty pimpin'.
[holding the Shiva] Free at last, free at last. Shiva, I am free at last!
Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?
Wow, you're feeling really good, aren't you?
I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva. But Shiva's a little naked today. That's why I got her this.
[He holds up a revised plate]
It's already got your name on it.
That's right it does. "Ruxin! Suck it!" Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin. [Slaps the plate on the Shiva and hoists it high] SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKADARKRAM! I won the Shiva! The Dre is dead!
[Everyone looks in the sky]
Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?
Andre
Not for months.
Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!
This is exactly how I picture it when I'm masturbating, down to the fact you're all watching! The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat! [Andre pulls out his hat] That's the one. Put it on so I can finish!
Andre
[wearing the hat] It's not stupid. Will Smith has the same one.
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.
Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.
Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.
No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.
OK, I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?
Andre
OK. What happened in my apartment during the draft?
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?
Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.
Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.
Andre's sister? Shotgun last.
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.
Andre
Huh.
Kevin, three quarterbacks.
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.
I like kickers. They're the toughest.
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.
I'm not letting go of anyone good--no!
Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.
I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.
Andre
It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.
You just got a great kicker.
One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?
Why'd you screw me? Okay, what happened to the new honest league?
Andre
You know what? If we're gonna start over, I wanted to be you. I wanted to be the Patient Zero, for once! Let me be Patient Zero!
That is so wrong on so many levels, I just can't even respond.
Andre
[on Taco's MyFace wall] How'd you get that picture of me in Godspell? That was on my vanity. That's my personal property.
Okay, hold on. Couple of questions real quick. First of all, why was that on your vanity? Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all? And thirdly, if you must have a vanity at, why do you have to call it a vanity?
Andre
[on Ruxin's topless photo of Sofia] But the question remains, why do you keep it in your jacket pocket?
Oh, no. You do not masturbate to a photo of your own wife.
Andre
Out of everyone in your life, you picked the only person you can actually have sex with.
What? I'm not allowed to have porn in my house, and my roster sucks, so I need some material.
Andre
That's like if a serial killer wrote a romance novel, he would jerk off to his wife.
Andre
It's so great that you have your dad with us. That's awesome.
RRRupert Ruxin
Are you part of this group? I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.
Andre
Andre.
Andre
Yeah, I was over at your house all the time.
Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."
Andre
You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.
RRupert
I'm so sorry. No, I don't recall that.
Hey, I'm Kevin. Remember me?
RRupert
Look, he still talks like he's seventeen. Sure, I remember you. What have you done with yourself? Let me guess, let me guess. Car salesman? Or, I know, failed inventor.
I'm actually a district attorney.
Assistant district attorney.
RRupert
[to Ruxin] You won. You won after all.
Oh, wow. Like father, like son. So good to see.
Anyhow, I'm not sure if you ever knew this, but we used to steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water.
RRupert
I was quite aware. That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there.
Andre
That's why that mescal never tasted the same.
It's not ice cream, it's sorbet. You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate. Just gently. No, you're using your teeth. Biting is not good for the sorbet.
Who cares about the sorbet?
HNHeather Nowzick
Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath. Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it. By accident, almost. By accident with your lips.
Don't be shy to get a little finger in there too.
Oh, so eating sorbet is like...going to church.
I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.
HHeather
That happens. You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight. It fell asleep, and you [demonstrating] have to drag it with the motion of your head.
RRupert
I love the way Heather eats that sorbet. I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that. You're doing something with your...with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue. Like this. [Shows Heather, who does the same] Yeah, get active. Doesn't have to be completely dead. But it really is whatever you feel like. [Heather sticks her thumb in her mouth and pulls it out slowly] Ah...I like what you're doing there. You do as you feel. Dip it in. [Heather does so] And...deep, and you can make it deep.
I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that.
I feel like I'm watching my own birth.
RRupert
[as Heather spanks the sorbet] Yeah, you show me how you like me to eat sorbet.
Andre
Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?
Andre
[writing Ruxin's medical history] So, date of birth?
You've been at my birthday every year for the last twenty years.
Andre
Okay. Patient is being hostile. Are you a smoker?
Andre
How many drinks would you say you have in a week?
I have, like, one drink a week.
Andre
Really? One drink a week?
Andre
All right, do you engage in sexual activity?
Andre
With multiple partners?
Only when your mom and sister are in town.
Andre
I'm not gonna write that down. Have you ever engaged in anal intercourse?
I refer you to my last answer.
Andre
Let me just give you a little brief recap here. You are a nonsmoker, light drinker who engages in anal intercourse with my mother and sister.
Look, Andre, just, please, I just need a couple of painkillers to get me through the week.
Andre
What do you think we're in, Tijuana here, you can just come in, tell me what you want, and I'll write you a prescription?
If we were in Tijuana, Andre, there would be a goddamn monkey in a sombrero blowing a donkey.
Andre
Not in a doctor's office.
The League · 151 quotes
