An all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it. You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic. I'm destined to never win it.
Maybe you're like Moses, you know—you're supposed to lead the people to the desert, but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.
AndreLook at this! Look at this!
Holy shit. Interception. Two points.
Go for the sideline. Keep going, Ed Reed.
He's got one guy to beat.
[Jenny, on a stepladder, turns to watch and starts to fall. Kevin rushes over to catch her]
Oh, my God. You saved me.
Kevin, six more points! You won!
I didn't even see the play.
You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.
Oh, I love you, dick cream.
[They kiss and Kevin drops her]
I'm going to the Shiva Bowl! SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDAKRAM!!!
[walking in with Ellie's collage] What is this?
This is why I wanted a new kid--this one's no good.
You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!
Ruxin, just look at what I drew up--you'll see that there was no difference in either way!
I'm not looking at anything 'cause all I see are lies and collusion! This whole season is null and void! Vull and noid!
[on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on—left this world for a better place.
My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...
Andre
Me?
No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.
Andre
What?
Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.
It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.
Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl—I took it.
I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.
Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.
To Jenny--honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.
Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.
Andre
He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...
Andre, the shit just got really real.
Andre
Okay.
And you better not fuck this up.
This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!
I just look at all the players that are available, give them +1's or -1's for all their attributes, and it actually kind of works on women too.
Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free-agency market, right? The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.
They're drafted to other people's teams.
And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage. Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know. This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.
Andre
Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?
Pretty much, yeah. I mean, look, here's an example. These three nice ladies over here. The one in the middle—she's beautiful. That gives her a +2. But look closely under her fingernails—there's some chalk. Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early. That's a big -1 for me. Also, very expensive necklace—not affordable on a teacher's salary. That means she's probably taken. That gives her a -2, which means I've got to find another player to pick up.
I'm gonna go smoke a bowl. I'll be right back.
Holy shit, is this for real?
These seem hard, but they're...not.
Andre
There's a lot of math.
How can an electronics store have 182 customers in one day?
Andre
I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.
[taking shots with two women] To the Wonderlic! You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?
Suzannah's giving away entirely too much of her tips.
You're still on Suzannah?
Andre
[breaking his pencil tip] Can I have another pencil?
The Wilson family has an eating disorder.
Andre
Joan's coat cost...
[sitting back down] Who wants some shots?
[All finding Ellie singing "Pick a Bale of Cotton" while wearing Jenny's robe]
You know what, sweetheart? Why don't we stop playing a musical instrument and start watching television?
Andre
Yeah, I hear The Grand Wizards of Waverly Place is on.
You know what? Let's just get rid of this thing before we traumatize our daughter more than we already have.
You know, if we just put her in ballet, all I would have to return is a pair of Capezios and an eating disorder.
Can I propose a best-of-both-worlds scenario?
Maybe you should get some chocolate pudding, wipe it all over her face, and then she can perform Blackface Swan.
DSDeion Sanders
[laughing] This is good. You can't be friends, right? Because no one told the other person how they really look. Are you guys a boy band?
Andre
When we all hang out, people call us the Dre Tones.
DDeion
Yeah, I got one better. Old Kids on the Block.
[shamed] That's a good one.
DDeion
What about the Old Street Boys? I got one more, one more. Bell Biv DeOld!
Yeah, well, these clothes are poison.
What we should be worrying about is people changing team names mid-season.
Well, I had to. Ellie was asking too many questions about "The Pleasures of Andre's Sister."
Well, we have all the answers for her.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid. So we just changed it to something a little more G-rated.
Andre
Yeah, I like it.
This is the stuff you're gonna have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.
Oh, "Pete Top, Kevin Bottom"? No, I didn't have to explain it to him. He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.
How is married life for you, Peter?
It's incredibly frustrating right now. I can't meet her here, I can't meet her there.
Andre
Sounds like you need a super-secret plan—you know, follow her into a dress shop, wait until she goes into the dressing room, then you follow behind her and you slam the door, you look at her...
Okay, hold on a second. Andre, Andre, are you reading Danielle Steel again?
Andre
Well, I haven't stopped. You know, I like to complete an author.
She's got, like, 178 books!
Andre
What's wrong about reading a book that can make you moist? [The others groan in disgust] What, I can't say "moist"?
Andre
"Moist" is the classy "wet."
Stop! You know what? Let me explain to you the modern-day affair. It's about, she tells me she's going to the gym, I have to drive 50 minutes across town, through traffic, to get there. It's extremely complicated.
Doesn't seem that complicated for her. I don't think you are her first, Pete—she didn't break the seal of adultery on you. You're not that special.
Um, excuse me, you don't know her. Georgia is a very nice person, she happens to be unhappy in her marriage, but she's promised me that I am the only person she's ever slept with outside of her marriage. [The others laugh hard] Oh, and why is this so funny?
Okay, you know what, that is the female version of, "officer, I swear to God she looked 18."
[leaves in a huff] Enough, all right? I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to this just 'cause you guys are jealous that I'm having a great time.
Oh, I'm sure she's telling you the truth.
She's not lying to you. She's never lied to anyone except her husband, children, family, in-laws, everyone else she feels is sacred in her life.
Am I seriously gonna lose to Taco? Come on! Vernon Davis is in a cast, so I bench him. Now he scores two touchdowns? What the hell's going on?
Andre
So weird. You should check his Twitter, maybe.
He's not Tweeting, he's playing a game, Andr... [checking feed on phone] Wait a minute, he is Tweeting. [reading Tweet featuring pic of Vernon with Andre] "Suck it, Pete #youvejustbeendoubleentendred"?
The League · 151 quotes
