Andre Nowzic quotes from The League

So you didn't have a problem getting Ellie over to Jackie's?

I thought you brought her to gymnastics.

No. I brought her to gymnastics, and you were supposed to pick her up and drop...oh, my God.

[Kevin and Jenny rush out of the bar]

Andre

Parent fail.

View quote →

You can't just bring some rando girl just because you have a "plus one".

Andre

She's not a rando girl, okay? She likes me, she's super techie, very cool. You guys are going to love her.

Oh. The techie. Yeah, I get it.

Andre

What?

That explains all the tech gear.

Andre

No, I just like this stuff.

Come on. You're a boyfriend chameleon, you know this.

Andre

Am not.

Yes, you are. You are so desperate for shared interests, you basically just adopt whatever hobbies the person you're dating has.

Andre

Not true.

Not true?

Andre

Not true.

Lest I bring up Hippie Girl. Anyone? Please chime in.

Absolutely.

Andre

All right, you know what? Starchild was wonderful, all right? I was hacky-sacking way before I ever met her.

View quote →

SStacy (Andre's date)

It is so great to finally meet you guys in person. Rodney?

Ruxin.

SStacy

Oh, my God. I found some of your college poetry—on an archived Prodigy page—and I just have to say, "Hernando's Song" was beautiful.

Sofia

What is she talking about?

SStacy

It is beautiful. And you, Kevin. How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my friend request on Facebook?

I don't even know who you are.

SStacy

Sofia, oh, my God. [leaning in close] By the way, love the nose job; it's perky, cute, but it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know? Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink. Do you want something?

Andre

Whatever you're having. [They kiss and Stacy walks away] Isn't she great?

OThe others

No.

Sofia

She's weird.

Totally weird.

Andre

What do you mean, she's weird? No.

She's strange, man.

Sofia

Shit's natural, bitch.

Andre

Okay, guys, just chill out. She Googled you guys.

No, no, she Googled too deep. She's a deep Googler. She's like page five shit, man.

No, actually, I am kind of curious about this poetry thing you've got going on, Rodney.

It was a goof.

Andre

[on his iPad] I got it right here. "With auburn hair and dark, dark eyes, Hernando rode the steed of love into the gallows of my heart."

Hernando's a man's name.

View quote →

[on hearing the others ordering shots] It doesn't need to be top-shelf.

Andre

Oh, we're not driving. Taco got us all cars.

View quote →

Your rando plus-one just Tweeted about my anniversary.

Andre

That's so great. Did she use the #greatevent?

All I know is that I just got a call from my cousin who is one of her 831 followers on Twitter.

Andre

That's so cool.

No, because he wasn't invited because I don't want him here because he collects ferrets.

Andre

Well, that's what you get when you live your life on the Net.

You know, your life on the Net is even sadder than your life on Earth.

View quote →

[In Taco's video]

I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us.

Andre

That's the worst case scenario.

What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?

No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin.

I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl—Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Because you like blowjobs.

I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.

Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it—done.

What I felt tonight was...

Was "insert adjective here."

View quote →

Taco has organized this whole night just to mess with me and beat me this week, and I'm not going to let that frittata do it. He's a sly fox.

Andre

No, he's not a sly fox. He's at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.

View quote →

Andre

You guys ready for the reunion this weekend? [The guys say no] You guys are going, right?

Absolutely not going to the reunion. Why would I want to go? The reunion is the worst thing in the world. I see all the people from high school that I want to see, and I don't even enjoy that.

View quote →

Why didn't you just move out of the way, Taco?

Why? I couldn't stop. I was at the vinegar strokes.

Andre

What are vinegar strokes?

It's the point during the sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes likes someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.

View quote →

[on Frank the Body] I don't miss that guy. That guy is the worst. He makes me appreciate you guys. That's how awful he is.

Thank you.

And he called me the Herdsman.

Oh, the Herdsman! We haven't called you that in a while!

PAPete and Andre

Hyah!

It was never even my nickname.

Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.

At least I got laid in high school.

Yeah, you got laid because you are a rabid hyena on the mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.

People gotta eat.

Andre

Well, yes, that was the motto of most of the girls you dated.

View quote →

Andre

[seeing a video of Taco having sex on his desk] I can't believe you did all of that on my desk!

I'm as upset as you are. I realize you can't capture your own vinegar strokes. That's why I need to watch you having sex.

Andre

No, you're not going to watch me have sex.

Yeah, yeah, when's your girlfriend comin' over? I'll hide in the corner, she won't see me. I'll just watch you.

Andre

First of all, I'm not dating anyone right now, and secondly, no!

View quote →

Andre

You know, you're the only one here that can actually help me out. You know I have two balls. Just get the word out.

Why would I do that? I'm telling everyone that I did the reconstructive surgery. I have three new clients.

Andre

Well, I'm glad I could help. We're even now. Are we even?

Oh, oh yeah. This...this makes us even.

View quote →

[to Pete] Stu didn't have sex in your mom's car. Kevin did.

What?!

Andre

[offering a high-five] Oh, yeah!

I'm sorry, how do you know this?

Because it was with me.

Andre

[taking it back] Oh, no. What? What?

Why don't they put these things in the reunion books?

Kevin lost his virginity to me in your mom's car.

I'm sorry, can I get some more details?

No, no. Good.

He was so excited that when he came, he kicked through the window and then he yelled my name. "SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDARKRAM!!!" It was funny actually.

Andre

So the first Shiva Blast was your vinegar strokes.

All right, Eskimo brother.

View quote →

What's that thing on top?

That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.

Andre

Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?

No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.

Thank you.

You're just saying that.

You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.

GThe guys

[toasting] To The Sacko.

I love it. I hope I never win it.