Rodney Ruxin quotes from The League

Ruxin

Pete lost. We won. I'm gonna take Shiva and make her mine tonight, and I'll deliver her to Andre tomorrow.

Kevin

Oh, Rodney! God damn it! [Ruxin runs back and Kevin shields himself] No!

Ruxin

I forgot my keys. Where are my keys?

Kevin

I don't know.

Ruxin

Oh, they're in my pocket. They're in my pocket

Kevin

[doubled over, laughing through the pain] Oh, you son of a bitch. I HATE MY FRIENDS!

Jenny

I want to know: who didn't vote for me?

Ruxin

It's a secret vote. Can't discuss the details.

Wow, I would've voted for you. There's already one woman in this league. Ain't that right, She-Dre?

Andre

You, too, really? I'm paying for your room, man.

Jenny

I don't know, guys. I just think it's really sad that you are afraid to lose to a girl. I think you did it because you're scared of me.

Kevin

You can still be on my team if you want to be.

Jenny

What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every one of you as possible.

Andre

How are you going to do that?

Jenny

Ruxin, do you want some help?

Ruxin

Are you serious?

Jenny

Yeah, I'll help you out with your draft.

Andre

It's unfair.

Ruxin

Fortune favors the just!

Taco

[on the redone league trophy with a small statue of Andre] Why doesn't it have a penis?

Ruxin

Oh, because it's anatomically correct, Taco.

Ruxin

[on the various hot women in the club] My wife is hotter than her and her. My wife's hotter than her. My wife's hotter than her.

Kevin

Okay, we get it. You out-kicked your coverage with Sofia.

Ruxin

Rafi's coming by for a drink.

Pete

You invited him here? Why?

Ruxin

Cause he's in the league. He's our friend.

Andre

You know we hate him, right? You realize that. We call him "El Cuñado".

Kevin

He's vile.

Ruxin

By the way, "El Cuñado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it sound dirty.

Kevin

No, it does sound dirty.

Andre

[sounding dirty] El Cuñado.

Pete

El Cuñado. When did you become such a fan of El Cuñado? You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

Andre

You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

Ruxin

It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was carrying a big bag of things.

Andre

Your brother stole my car.

Ruxin

He's not my brother. Bro-Lo El Cuñado.

Andre

If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.

Ruxin

Well, someone will finally have sex in your car.

Andre

I went down on a girl in that car.

Pete

That wasn't a girl.

Andre

Yes, Turner syndrome, XXY.

Pete

[on Kevin's shelves full of For Dummies books] That's a lot of books.

Ruxin

I thought these were all Yellow Pages.

Kevin

Why would I keep Yellow Pages?

Ruxin

Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books everywhere?

Kevin

Because this is my own personal research library.

Pete

[perusing the books] Stretching for Dummies.

Ruxin

Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Kevin

Those things are high-pressure situations.

Pete

Cryptography for Dummies. Three seconds—what is cryptography?

Kevin

You know what, that came in a set.

Ruxin

Oh, Kevin. Law for Dummies?

Kevin

I should've hid that one.

Ruxin

You're a lawyer, Kevin.

Kevin

It's full of common sense legal advice.

Pete

Jesus! Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies. How hard is it to hang out in a beach in Mexico?

Ruxin

Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies, cause that's one you should've bought.

Andre

I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.

Pete

Is he...black?

Andre

How'd you know?

Pete

Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."

Kevin

"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."

Andre

I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?

Kevin

It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."

Ruxin

Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.

Kevin

"...firecracker."

Pete

Spark plug.

Kevin

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Ruxin

Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Kevin

Which is code word for "white."

Ruxin

Always a white guy.

Kevin

Ichiro Suzuki is...

Taco

Inscrutable.

Pete

Enter initiate, please.

Jenny

[entering with a plate] I made brownies...

Ruxin

No, no, no, no, don't take food from the initiate. Kneel!

Jenny

No.

Ruxin

Stand.

Jenny

No. I think I'll sit and just be comfortable.

Ruxin

Sit comfortably!

Jenny

Thanks.

Andre

Wait, that's all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.

Kevin

So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league. So we welcome a new member. Welcome, sweetheart.

"Sweetheart"? No.

Andre

That's all she gets? You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.

Kevin

You want "dick cream" back?

Andre

No. I wanna be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?

Jenny

Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.

No!

Andre

No, no, no. You're on your own now. Welcome to the league.

Jenny

All right, I accept the challenge. And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.

Andre

No, no, no, no dick cream.

Jenny

But just FYI, you guys. You know your buddy Russell? Not a sex addict.

Oh, yeah, he is.

Look, I know you have been avoiding me, but I need a donation from you for Team Twyla for our marathon.

Ruxin

Yeah. I just don't know if I'm supporting Team Twyla this year.

Excuse me?

Ruxin

See, I just don't negotiate with charity terrorists.

What are charity terrorists?

Ruxin

Charity terrorists are people like yourself who force me to give money to things against my will. It's almost a jihad against my wallet. Let me ask you a question, Twyla. How much of that marathon did you run last year?

Well, I walked as much as I could, and then I ran a bit and then I walked some!

Ruxin

On that walk, did you stop at TCBY?

Yes.

Ruxin

Well, I also love The Country's Best Yogurt, but I don't expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off. But if you do want to lose some weight, you can start by not eating my chicken salad sandwich out of the fridge.

Okay, well, then, why don't you put your name on it, Rodney?

Ruxin

'kay, everybody calls me Ruxin, and I can't believe I work in an office full of hungry hungry hippos!

Taco

Friends, you are looking at a licensed notarizer.

Ruxin

The word is notary.

Taco

No, no, that's the plural.

Andre

[to Pete] You might not know this, because I haven't seen you training, but the whole secret of marathon running is keeping yourself limber and flexible at all times.

Ruxin

It's not dressing like you're the fifth member of Color Me Badd?

Ruxin

You can't just bring some rando girl just because you have a "plus one".

Andre

She's not a rando girl, okay? She likes me, she's super techie, very cool. You guys are going to love her.

Pete

Oh. The techie. Yeah, I get it.

Andre

What?

Pete

That explains all the tech gear.

Andre

No, I just like this stuff.

Pete

Come on. You're a boyfriend chameleon, you know this.

Andre

Am not.

Pete

Yes, you are. You are so desperate for shared interests, you basically just adopt whatever hobbies the person you're dating has.

Andre

Not true.

Pete

Not true?

Andre

Not true.

Pete

Lest I bring up Hippie Girl. Anyone? Please chime in.

Ruxin

Absolutely.

Andre

All right, you know what? Starchild was wonderful, all right? I was hacky-sacking way before I ever met her.

It is so great to finally meet you guys in person. Rodney?

Ruxin

Ruxin.

Oh, my God. I found some of your college poetry—on an archived Prodigy page—and I just have to say, "Hernando's Song" was beautiful.

Sofia

What is she talking about?

It is beautiful. And you, Kevin. How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my friend request on Facebook?

Kevin

I don't even know who you are.

Sofia, oh, my God. [leaning in close] By the way, love the nose job; it's perky, cute, but it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know? Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink. Do you want something?

Andre

Whatever you're having. [They kiss and Stacy walks away] Isn't she great?

No.

Sofia

She's weird.

Jenny

Totally weird.

Andre

What do you mean, she's weird? No.

Kevin

She's strange, man.

Sofia

Shit's natural, bitch.

Andre

Okay, guys, just chill out. She Googled you guys.

Kevin

No, no, she Googled too deep. She's a deep Googler. She's like page five shit, man.

Jenny

No, actually, I am kind of curious about this poetry thing you've got going on, Rodney.

Ruxin

It was a goof.

Andre

[on his iPad] I got it right here. "With auburn hair and dark, dark eyes, Hernando rode the steed of love into the gallows of my heart."

Jenny

Hernando's a man's name.

Ruxin

[on hearing the others ordering shots] It doesn't need to be top-shelf.

Andre

Oh, we're not driving. Taco got us all cars.