I know John. Rather, he knows me. He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth. He made it seem like I was shallow, plagued with jealousy, and prone to fits of MELODRAMA!
Except you won't. That's what's so scary about this whole thing. I'm gonna miss you. You're just gonna think I'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.
Really? Well, that blows. Ah, yanno what, maybe it's a good thing, actually. Some journalist was poking around, calling all these ladies who used to work for me. You can't even make a joke these days. Everything's so PC. And I was an equal opportunity offender, okay? I made jokes about EVERYBODY. And, by the way, I'm the furthest thing from racist. My DENTIST was a black woman. I just think people need to loosen up. So where am I, exactly?
Shawn, I don't have time for this. I just started "Deadwood" finally and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short: If you so much as BREATHE on this experiment again, I will restart the ENTIRE THING from scratch and then, I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.
Hey, hey, Mikey, can I-can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so...here's my idea to make it up to her: me and a hundred Janet-Babies do a giant flash mob, just total unpredictable chaos all around her. Great idea, right?
Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the neighborhood where if I say your name five times, my headache goes away. Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original neighborhood?
No. It's because you have no control over your own impulses. You think every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires or plunging Derek. So being a monk was torture for you. The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space. Show her you can control your impulses.
Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now. I mean, this can't be all the afterlife has to offer. Not to the cream of the crop. I mean, if this is Heaven, then where are my guys? Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? Where's White Guillermo? And where is Mexican William? And what about Squirt Man?
Look, this chaos which is clearly all about me is a sign. If this is the Good Place, I belong in the Best Place. So, figure it out. [slaps Michael's shoulder.] Get back to me, okay?
It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you ARE kinda pooching it.
I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is SUPPOSED to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started! BUT! Maybe you CAN do it better than me. TAHANI can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet: JASON! Maybe ALL OF HUMANITY can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival!
Janet! I'm so happy to see you. I got you a box of chocolates, but then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them! And I thought it would be a nice present to describe them to you. So...the first one was gross-
I'm so sorry to say this... [Janet and Jason take a seat.] ...but I CAN'T be in a relationship with you right now. Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.
Also, I hate to pile on, but I think you have a right to know: The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles. He's not on the team anymore. I am genuinely sorry.
Right, um...so, if-if I understand your state of mind, it's basically Solipsism. You think you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness.
No offense, but Solipsism, as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile, ESPECIALLY for a person with multiple advanced degrees. And it's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. However...
You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters, then you end up doing things like...knocking over cakes and pushing people into pools and just...generally acting like a jerk. Why not treat them better, just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect?
That's what's missing. Chidi isn't being tortured. As far as he's concerned, he did everything right on Earth, so now he just gets to enjoy himself. If we don't force Chidi into stressful decision-making, he won't even have a chance to become a better person!
NO! I've had a stomachache for a week, there have been WAY too many close calls! Please, I beg you: no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you, PLEASE REMEMBER you're supposed to be a MONK.
I mean, you know how monks are. Calm. Peaceful. Never, you know...shotgunning Cheez Whiz. What monk would do that NO MONK. Anyway...I see you guys are still here!
We're just dropping by to ask a favor. Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight? He still isn't really engaging with the neighborhood, we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell.
