Yeah, I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink. I mean, saving souls feels great, but Sydney to Budapest to Phoenix to Calgary... I'm so jetlagged, I can't even regrender my chorf. ... Don't even know what I was trying to say.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
J1Janet 1
Dudes, why are there so many Janets and why do I sound like Janet?
J2Janet 2
You also look like Janet. Do I...? Why?! What?! What is happening?! [gets a stomachache much like Chidi]
J3Janet 3
[In a British accent like Tahani] Oh , no! Am I...wearing a vest?! Oh! Michael, help me!
This is gonna be tricky. How can we tell them apart?
J4Janet 4
[Points to own breasts in excitement]
[Points to Janet 4] Okay, that one's Jason.
CJChidi-Janet
This is nuts. We're in a void inside a white lady...
EJEleanor-Janet
Not a lady.
TJTahani-Janet
Not a lady, darling.
JJJason-Janet
Well, we are white. Let's all say white people things! Billy Joel! I found it on Etsy. There was no room to park! Did you refill the Brita!?
TJTahani-Janet
I find this void quite calming actually. It's like this time the Xanax took me.
[Appears] I told you not to conjure anything!
CJChidi-Janet
Sorry, I just needed a board to explain...
Not you, him. [pans to Jason-Janet and Pillboi in a damaged hot tub] Jason! What is wrong with you?
JJJason-Janet
Sorry, Janet. I didn't mean to conjure anything. I was just thinking about the good times I had with Pillboi chilling and hanging out in his broken hot tub. And then, he showed up.
PPillboi
Yeah, I was just chilling being nothing, and then I was.
Goodbye, Pillboi.
PPillboi
[Jason-Janet is forced to leave as Pillboi and the hot tub disintegrates and fades away]] Aw, dip. I'm not again.......!!
NNeil
Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding: negative 1,200 points. [More details appear on screen] Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding: negative 4,300. [More details appear on screen] The theme's Lord of the Rings - they're basically doomed.
NNeil
Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before. "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, "hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels." And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this… [more details appear on screen] oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. Well, then we zip that over to the relevant departments. In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. We've got Hector over in American Coins, and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things.
MMatty
I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed for immediate suicide.
NNeil
Request denied. [To Michael] I love Matty. He's hilarious.
Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!
Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.
Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.
What?
Don't.
No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.
Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.
When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.
Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?
Those two things have very similar smells.
Hey, there, Smashy, before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps, you have anything you need to talk about?
I can't take this anymore, man! All the running and the hiding and the fighting and this whole insane journey and now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that, two inches thick? That's like FOUR Oreos! We're FOUR OREOS FROM HEAVEN!!
I know, I know, I know, it's an insane situation.
But! I am right here with you. So, let's take a deep breath.
Okay. The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.
...How? Why?
I'm so sorry, darling. This is all my fault. I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw.
You saw that, too?
No.
Jason knows that I love him, it STINKS to hear how the two of you are married, this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin and if I don't remain NEUTRAL in front of Gwendolyn, she's gonna know we've been lying. All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me, which might be super embarrassing! What if they come out my butt?
Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?
The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation.
Can I ask you an unrelated question?
Absolutely not! The fate of all humanity is at stake and time is running out!
Go ahead.
I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy?
How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.
You'd think it'd be that simple. But EVERY TIME I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions! It feels like a game you can't win!
...That's it...there IS another explanation: unintended consequences! Oh, Tahani...you did it.
Well, of course I did, darling...did what?
All along, I've only been looking at ONE Doug. But there's...[flips through the pages]...MILLIONS of Dougs in here.
In 1534, Douglass Wynegarr of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy, boom, 145 points. Now...
MMicheal
Yeah, here we go...
In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses. But HE LOST four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals! WHOO!!
That is a VERY odd thing to cheer.
Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't HAVE to. Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated and being a good person...gets a little harder. Gather the others, we have a lot to do.
But we didn't really deal with my thi-
Okay. I'll just...figure it out...
GGwendolyn
I have no choice. I have to turn you in to the Judge.
Don't bother. I already did.
DThe Doorman
Hey, Frogman. The Judge agreed to your terms. She'll meet you at IHOP.
DThe Doorman
So, this is the Good Place, huh? Hmm.
DThe Doorman
Smells like frogs. Cool. Let's go.
Now...watch your step.
Hey, so...yeah, so...I don't wanna go in there.
I get that.
Here's your options. Option Number One...
Cruel...but necessary.
[Chidi has just fallen through a hole across the multiverse in the Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes]
I…I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming…a single blade.
Yeah, yeah. The Time-Knife. We've all seen it.
There's this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people! And it's delicious!
It is! It is so good!
This house was built to torture you. Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly?
Well, in the memories I watched, this is where we fell in love, so I figured: why mess with success? I mean, BLUEGH, what am I saying, this house is stupid and you're lame and I hate you.
I love you, too.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.