The Good Place quotes

Michael

So...Chidi's set with Jason now. How are you doing?

Eleanor

A little better. But still terrible.

Michael

You were torturing him because that's what we had to do.

Eleanor

I know. I went too far. And what's worse: I LIKED it....because I'm angry at him...for leaving me...which isn't even REMOTELY fair because he sacrificed himself for us, but I'm still angry he abandoned me. Which makes me feel guilty which makes me angry WHICH MAKES ME wanna talk to Chidi because he's the person I go to when I'm angry. So...it's a real fun cycle.

Michael

I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad, angry when you should be happy and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but...it's-it's insane. The point is: in THIS case, even if it's not rational, you're ALLOWED to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it, work your way thorugh it, and then get your shirt together because we have a lot of work to do.

Michael

Whoever you are, show yourself.

Oh....hold on, the hood is caught in my glasses.

Hi. I'm Glenn from the Bad Place.

Michael

What are you doing here?

Eleanor

Yeah, what do you want, creep?

No one knows I'm here, and I have some important information. Eleanor, I need to speak with you alone.

Eleanor

Whatever you need to say to me, you can say right here.

I don't think I should. It would lead to a very uncomfortable social situation.

Eleanor

SAY IT.

...That's not Michael. That's Vicky the demon in a Michael suit and she's sabotaging your experiment.

You see? It's-it's uncomfortable.

Eleanor

Get in there.

Eleanor

What IS all this stuff? Are these weapons?

Derek

Oooh, don't touch those, ha ha! Those are my special magnet handcuffs. They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-Downstairs Derek.

Eleanor

Oooh, they're sex toys!

Eleanor

OH THEY'RE SEX TOYS

Jason

Dude, get out of here, we have enough problems.

Derek

My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet. Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy.

Derek

Ho-HO, I know THAT sound. Looks like someone found my sex diaper.

Derek

I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe life!

Eleanor

Okay, here's where I'm at: I just don't know if I can ever trust you. I'm gonna call the Judge, we'll start over. We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good.

Tahani

But we know the humans now. Starting over sounds exhausting!

Eleanor

I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder. We have to start over.

Michael

I have a better idea: I'm gonna blow myself up.

WHAT?

Michael

I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.

Eleanor

Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something?

Michael

But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well...parts of me will be in your ACTUAL hair, but you get it.

Tahani

Michael? Wait.

Michael

Tahani, this is the only way. There's literally nothing I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me.

Michael

Oh boy...this is gonna suck. Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months. Good luck. Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back, uh...way shorter and that would bum me out.

Michael

I wish I were saying this in different circumstances, but...take it sleazy.

Jason

Michael, wait!

Oh, crud-nuts!

Jason

Hey, Mikey, I have a question about our plan to save Janet. Is there it yet?

Michael

I do have a plan, yes. But to be honest, I have no idea if it will work.

Jason

Maybe Glenn could help. Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet?

Jason

He doesn't know.

Michael

Listen, Jason, old friend, I already gave Eleanor and Tahani all their afterlife memories back. I haven't restored yours...f-for obvious reasons. But I think to maximize our chances of survival, it's time that you remember everything we've been through. Now prepare yourself. This might be intense.

Jason

Oooooooooooooooooh DIIIIIIIIIIIIP-

Michael

Do you remember everything?

Jason

YES. Last time I was in the Bad Place, I threw a Molotov cocktail! That was sick.

Michael

I was afraid that you'd watch 300 years of memories and that would be your takeaway. Buddy, I did that to help you know what NOT to do. Impulse control is critical. Fight the urge to blow stuff up, even if you feel like we're in a jam. Got it?

Jason

I mean...that's very lame...but yeah. I understand.

Jason

Wait, can I have all my memories back again? I forgot most of them.

Shawn

All right, idiots. This is Hour 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture.

Jason

He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?

Michael

Shh.

Jason

Here's what I think: we should throw a Molotov-

Michael

Jason!

Jason

What? I didn't say "cocktail"! I could have meant "Molotov anything", you don't know.

Eleanor

Dude, what were you thinking?

Tahani

I just wanted to be useful! All I ever get to do here is throw parties, which is all I ever got to do back on Earth and now I've ruined everything.

Eleanor

No. You gave us a way out.

Tahani

So I FIXED everything!

Eleanor

No, you made things difficult in a new way, but I can make it work.

Tahani

Well, the important thing is: I did something.

Eleanor

Be quiet and follow my lead.

Tahani

Yes, ma'am.

That oughta stop them from following us.

Michael

So smart. Nice to have you back, Janet.

It must have been hard for you...to go back there.

Michael

It was. I don't like thinking about who I used to be.

Jason

Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were because you're not a demon anymore. You're just like a nice, weird, happy old dude.

Michael

Huh. Heh.

Thanks for rescuing me. I missed you so much.

Jason

I missed you, too. Bad Janet was so mean to me. She told me so many lies, like, she said the Jags cut Blake Bortles. Can you believe that?

Oh no...Jason, that wasn't a lie. Blake Bortles WAS cut by the Jaguars.

Jason

WHAT? How, WHY!? Wh...who's their QB now?

A man named Nick Foles.

Jason

NICK FOLES? Are you KIDDING ME!?

Jason

He won a SUPER BOWL! We're gonna be UNSTOPPABLE! FOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!

Fooooooooooooles!

Michael

Fooooooooooooles!

Oh no...Nick Foles just broke his clavicle.

Jason

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Is that your story? Looks boring.

Michael

This book is a PART of the story. You'll see.

Michael

It all started...about a week ago. We had sent the four humans on a ski trip-

And they all skied off a cliff and they broke all their bones and their pants fell down and you could see their butts. The end.

Michael

Actually...it went better than we could have possibly hoped.

Eleanor

And now...[drumroll]

Michael

Oh-ho-ho!

Eleanor

...the moment you've all been waiting for. The Humanity Savior of the Week goes to...Jason!

Tahani

Aww.

Jason

Yes!

Eleanor

Keep up the amazing work with Chidi. AND! The award for Hottest Savior of the Week goes to...

Eleanor

Eleanor Shellstrop! [pulls out a photo of herself.]

Eleanor

Thank you, I accept.

Michael

I never win Hottest...

Eleanor

I don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit?

It was a real high point.

Michael

The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then Brent did something...very Brentian.

[Sarcastically] Who could have predicted that?

Jason

What's wrong, homie?

Chidi

Brent wrote this book and clearly, he put some of us in it. There's a cowardly character named Four-Eyed Igby who "wears glasses and sweater vests and never does anything spontaneous or cool". I am educating you in ethics. What could be cooler than that?

Jason

If you want to try something spontaneous, I'm your guy. Almost everything I did on Earth, I did without thinking or worrying about what would happen. That's how I got my nickname: The Defendant.

Chidi

Not the best argument, but you're-you're right. What is something spontaneous that I can do right now? Let's come up with a list of ten possibilities and then slowly whittle it down over the next four days.

Jason

Better idea: let's dance, baby!

Chidi

Hmm?

Jason

Get you out of your head! This is how we defeat Igby, the no-fun nerd!

Chidi

...Yeah. Look at ol' Igby MOVE!

Jason

There you go!

Chidi

Yeah, I've never heard this before, who is it?

Jason

Me! I wrote it. The song is called, "I'll Love You Forever," parentheses, "(Make that Bootie Bounce in the Bath)". Oh, fun fact: the police sirens in the background are real. I was being chased as I recorded it.

Chidi

Okay...okay! OHO NO.

OH. MY. GAGA.

Michael

For months, you and I have been debating: Are people good or bad? But as I watched those three people pick themselves up and dust themselves off, I realized we've been asking the wrong question. What matters isn’t if people are good or bad. What matters is if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. You asked me where my hope comes from? That’s your answer.

Eleanor

As you reach the end of your first year in the afterlife, what do you remember most? The everlasting friendships you made? The adversity you overcame together? The day everything was chocolate?

Jason

That day was awesome! I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. It was all chocolate!

Michael

Shh shh shh...

You only have a few hours left in your first year, so why not do as many amazing good deeds for other people as you possibly can by midnight, just in case?

Eleanor

I know, I know, all right? I'll take it out. I'm a little tired, okay? Lay off.

Eleanor

So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did. Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard?

There IS a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl.

It did not work. I'll be right back.

Simone

I've been suspicious about this place since day one. Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up.

Chidi

You didn't tell me about any of this, muffin.

Okay, you call her muffin? I'm getting a lot of breaking news at once here.

Simone

I was gathering evidence. I didn't wanna compromise the integrity of the data collection.

Chidi

Oh, so romantic.

Simone

Here's what I know: Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us. I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow, they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room.

Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to? "Dumb Shorts" Cathy?

Chidi

What is your problem with her?

I mean, shorts? "Cathy"?

What ISN'T my problem with her?

Simone

...Jianyu? Are you okay, you look sweaty.

Tahani

Oh no, he's fine. He always sweats when he's meditating. He calls it "sweat-itating".

Tahani

No, I mean, um, he doesn't talk, so I call it that.

Tahani

...I'm friends with Sting!