The Good Place quotes

Tahani

Eleanor? Michael? It is I, Tahani.

Eleanor

Yeah, we know, babe. What's wrong?

Tahani

I know John. Rather, he knows me. He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth. He made it seem like I was shallow, plagued with jealousy, and prone to fits of MELODRAMA!

Eleanor

...What are you saying?

Tahani

Don't you see? The Bad Place DIDN'T pick the worst people! They picked the people who would be the worst for US!

Michael

Of course! How did I not anticipate this? Shawn didn't just choose a bunch of serial killers. He chose your tormentors or arch-rivals-

Eleanor

Or exes.

Eleanor

Those motherforkers.

Eleanor

So. The plan is to erase Chidi's memory all the way back to when the air conditioner fell on his head in his original timeline.

Michael

The Judge has given us to tomorrow morning until we have to bring in the other two subjects. Tahani. The welcome party will be tomorrow night.

Chidi

And the next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident. I...won't know any of you.

Jason

So, will you remember that time in Australia when we stayed up late and ate pizza together?

Chidi

No, buddy, I won't.

Jason

Will you remember when we...ordered the pizza?

Chidi

No.

Jason

Will you...remember...pizza?

Chidi

Will I remember what pizza...is?

Chidi

Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.

Jason

Okay, so not a total loss.

Eleanor

I don't normally cry at movies…but that one was pretty good. [sniffs] That girl was hot. The guy was, too.

Chidi

I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.

Eleanor

Except you won't. That's what's so scary about this whole thing. I'm gonna miss you. You're just gonna think I'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.

Chidi

I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.

Eleanor

It's not a joke. I'm a legit snack.

Chidi

But I believe in you. [sniffs] I’m not even scared to get rebooted because I know that you'll be here, taking care of me.

Eleanor

I wish we had more time together.

Chidi

Oh, time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll just get through this. And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the I forever.

Eleanor

Here is your new home, complete with two of your favorite things: floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and-

Chidi

Reading lights! I LOVE reading lights! They are GREAT for reading.

Eleanor

And OH! Check this out. Um...hold out your hand...

Eleanor

...and think about a book.

Chidi

I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer; this is LITERALLY my number one dream! Also: Ow! That hurt.

Eleanor

Brent? Come on in.

Eleanor

So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.

Brent

Really? Well, that blows. Ah, yanno what, maybe it's a good thing, actually. Some journalist was poking around, calling all these ladies who used to work for me. You can't even make a joke these days. Everything's so PC. And I was an equal opportunity offender, okay? I made jokes about EVERYBODY. And, by the way, I'm the furthest thing from racist. My DENTIST was a black woman. I just think people need to loosen up. So where am I, exactly?

Michael

...The Good Place.

Brent

Oh, cool. Good.

Simone

Eleanor! Look what my brain did! It's not real, and neither are you. [Sing-song] I'm in a coooomaaaa~ and none of this is real.

Eleanor

Okay, I know this is bad and we need a new approach, BUT. She is wearing the HELL outta those foam fingers.

Michael

Linda? How are you enjoying the Good Place?

It's good.

Michael

Everyone's flying. You don't wanna go flying...any higher?

No thanks.

Michael

Well, okay. It says in your file that you liked knitting. Would you like to do some knitting right now?

No thanks.

Michael

Is there another activity you'd like to do now? You also enjoyed...listening to birds? Man, Linda. You don't even look at them?

Eleanor

Let's go hear some birds, whaddya say?

I'm gonna get another peppermint.

Michael

No-

Eleanor

Come on, Linds. You can have literally ANYTHING you could po-

Michael

...WHAT THE-

Eleanor

Okay. So...maybe she's less boring than I thought.

Shawn, I don't have time for this. I just started "Deadwood" finally and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short: If you so much as BREATHE on this experiment again, I will restart the ENTIRE THING from scratch and then, I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

Jason

Hey, hey, Mikey, can I-can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so...here's my idea to make it up to her: me and a hundred Janet-Babies do a giant flash mob, just total unpredictable chaos all around her. Great idea, right?

Michael

Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

Jason

Mmm-hmm?

Michael

Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the neighborhood where if I say your name five times, my headache goes away. Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original neighborhood?

Jason

Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"?

Michael

No. It's because you have no control over your own impulses. You think every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires or plunging Derek. So being a monk was torture for you. The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space. Show her you can control your impulses.

Jason

So you're saying wanting to do something isn't a good reason to immediately do it.

Michael

Yeah.

Jason

Man...I wish someone had taught me this on Earth.

Michael

People tried. Mostly judges.

Brent

Michael! Eleanor!

Eleanor

Brent, I'm so sorry, we don't know why all this is happening.

Brent

Well, I do. This chaos is clearly all about me. This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here.

Michael

Brent, what do you mean?

Brent

I don't belong in the Good Place. I mean, obviously there's a place better than this. I belong THERE. In the Best Place.

Michael

Walk me through this, Brent, I'm not sure we follow.

Brent

Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now. I mean, this can't be all the afterlife has to offer. Not to the cream of the crop. I mean, if this is Heaven, then where are my guys? Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? Where's White Guillermo? And where is Mexican William? And what about Squirt Man?

Eleanor

He makes a good point. You know, what ABOUT Squirt Man?

Brent

Also, frankly, my assistant Janet is a little uptight. I mean, she hasn't worn ANY of my gifts.

Michael

Have you been asking Janet to make herself clothes that you...give BACK to her?

Eleanor

Yeah, you're doing the math right there, bud.

Brent

Look, this chaos which is clearly all about me is a sign. If this is the Good Place, I belong in the Best Place. So, figure it out. [slaps Michael's shoulder.] Get back to me, okay?

Eleanor

I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head, I'll meet up with you later.

Jason

Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about maybe you shouldn't be team leader. [whispers to Tahani] Saved it.

Eleanor

Go 'head, guys. Speak your mind.

It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you ARE kinda pooching it.

Eleanor

Very helpful feedback.

Eleanor

And if I could give you some feedback...uhhh, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ashfaces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box!

Michael

Which curses were those?

Eleanor

I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is SUPPOSED to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started! BUT! Maybe you CAN do it better than me. TAHANI can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet: JASON! Maybe ALL OF HUMANITY can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival!

Jason

I mean, we could try. All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars and a bunch of ambulances.

Eleanor

Welp! Good luck, forkfaces. I quit. Shellstrop out.

Hi, Jason.

Jason

Janet! I'm so happy to see you. I got you a box of chocolates, but then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them! And I thought it would be a nice present to describe them to you. So...the first one was gross-

Jason, um, please just let me talk. You know that I've been overwhelmed with work since the neighborhood started.

Jason

Yep!

And I asked you to give me some space.

Jason

Yep!

I'm so sorry to say this... [Janet and Jason take a seat.] ...but I CAN'T be in a relationship with you right now. Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.

Jason

It won't, though.

Jason, it already has. So, why don't we just take a break until it's all finished.

Also, I hate to pile on, but I think you have a right to know: The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles. He's not on the team anymore. I am genuinely sorry.

Chidi

Hi, Simone. Uh, Chidi. From the other night?

Simone

Ohh! Wow! My brain must really like keeping you around. Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist!

Chidi

Right, um...so, if-if I understand your state of mind, it's basically Solipsism. You think you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness.

Simone

Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.

Chidi

No offense, but Solipsism, as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile, ESPECIALLY for a person with multiple advanced degrees. And it's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. However...

Simone

[scoffs] Dude...

Chidi

What? I mean, if none of this is real, then it really shouldn't matter, right? In fact...

Simone

[scoffs] Dude!

Chidi

Whaaaaaat? IT'S NOT REAL. NONE OF THIS MATTERS. Leave that on your nose for the rest of time.

Simone

Fine. Point sort of taken.

Chidi

You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters, then you end up doing things like...knocking over cakes and pushing people into pools and just...generally acting like a jerk. Why not treat them better, just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect?

Simone

Okay. Keep talking, Probably-Fake-But-MAYBE-REAL-Philosopher Man.

Michael

Never seen Chidi like that. He was chillaxing. Which is a word I just invented combining "Chidi" and "relaxing".

Eleanor

Yeah, I guess once you have the burden of saving humanity removed from your brain, life is dandy. Must be nice, Chidi.

Michael

That's what's missing. Chidi isn't being tortured. As far as he's concerned, he did everything right on Earth, so now he just gets to enjoy himself. If we don't force Chidi into stressful decision-making, he won't even have a chance to become a better person!

Eleanor

Right! You wanna make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam!

Michael

Oyster. We need Chidi to live in a world of low-grade dread.

Eleanor

I've got this. I have a TON of experience making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable. First up: we fill his acoustic guitar with wet cat food.

Eleanor

Judge me all you want. I get results.

Jason

Dude! Thanks to you, my dream came true! I have a shiny new budhole! You okay, homey?

Chidi

NO! I've had a stomachache for a week, there have been WAY too many close calls! Please, I beg you: no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you, PLEASE REMEMBER you're supposed to be a MONK.

Chidi

'AAAAAAAAAY Eleanor and Michael are here, what a fun surprise!

Michael

You've done some redecorating!

Chidi

Uh, YES, my apartment was decorated in one way and now it has been...RE-decorated.

Eleanor

And how is Jianyu?

Chidi

I mean, you know how monks are. Calm. Peaceful. Never, you know...shotgunning Cheez Whiz. What monk would do that NO MONK. Anyway...I see you guys are still here!

Michael

We're just dropping by to ask a favor. Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight? He still isn't really engaging with the neighborhood, we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell.

Chidi

...Actually, I don't think I can make it.

Eleanor

Oh! Why not?

Chidi

I just remembered...I CAN make it, so I will see you there. 'Kay. Bye!