The Good Place · Season 1
Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?
I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?
Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.
Cool.
Um, so who was right? I mean about all of this?
Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.
Who's Doug Forcett?
Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct. I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing!
Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep! You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? That's how you're gonna feel every day.
I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?
If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.
That's bullshirt.
Hi there. How can I help you?
What the fork? Who are you?
I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.
She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...
Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?
No.
Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.
That's correct.
Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.
Yes, you were.
Hi there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment?
Do you have a second to eat my farts?
[Eleanor tosses her coffee cup at a trashcan but it bounces off and falls on the ground]
You missed.
[scoffs] Pick it up if you're so horny for the environment.
Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.
I don't know what to do here. This is a mess, morally speaking. This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.
Quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?
It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?
That was my first time as a fashion "don't," and I did not care for it.
You are too selfish to ever be a good person.
Well, I think you're wrong.
What country am I from, again?
Sen...sodyne?
That is a brand of toothpaste.
It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
(pointing to the board) Plato!
So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name altogether means...
"Congratulations, Beautiful.."
Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.
Basically, my life's work is 3,600 pages of garbage. Even Michael couldn't understand it.
So? What does Michael know?
Everything. That's my point... he knows everything, and it was too convoluted, even for him.
Michael does not know everything. Michael does not know I'm not supposed to be here. You wrote 4,000 pages on one of the most complicated subjects in the world. I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message. Be proud.
When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.
No, Jianyu, we're dead.
Whoa, that's a dope prank.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
