Jason quotes from The Good Place

Jason

We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart.

And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed.

Jason

Love you too, babe.

Jason

Janet, you need to leave me. You're the smartest girl in the world...

I'm not a girl.

Jason

And your dad is an angel. I mean, what a family. I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... who's only now realizing why that didn't work. You should be with someone better. I don't deserve you.

Jason, you are all that I care about, possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you. I love you. Also, interesting sidenote, I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.

Jason

I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.

I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.

Jason

Can I go to your house?

I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.

Jason

Can I go there?

No. It's a boundless void.

Eleanor

This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.

Michael

Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away?

Jason

Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.

Eleanor

Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

Jason

I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.

Tahani

I'd never survive down there! They should take Eleanor! She's a pear shape! She'd fit right in!

Eleanor

Oh, excuse me! You WISH you could have a bite of this pear!

Jason

Yo YO! Homies! Check in. 'Cuz there's something messed up about this place. We keep fighting each other. None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel. My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but…I think we're in the Bad Place?

Michael

[horrified] Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.

Jason

You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason," but I know a little wisdom I can give you.

Michael

I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

Eleanor

What do we do?

Jason

We team up with Michael.

Eleanor

Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.

Jason

He has a bow tie.

Eleanor

Oh, no.

Jason

I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.

Jason

I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?

Michael

[chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.

Jason

Will they ever win the Super Bowl?

Michael

Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. They won't.

Michael

I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream-

Eleanor

Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

Jason

And who am I? Describe me now!

Tahani

Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?

Jason

Yes! She does.

Jason

Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.

Tahani

Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.

Jason

No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.

Tahani

Why? It's not important.

Jason

Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?

Tahani

Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out."

Jason

Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.

Tahani

But then that person would know we were together.

Jason

Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.

Tahani

But then that person would know, and I don't want anyone to know.

Jason

I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.

Jason

I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.

Tahani

Didn't you get seasick?

Jason

No, sorry they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.

Tahani

You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is deeply disturbing. And yet, I envy you. I was never allowed to goof off.