Tahani quotes from The Good Place

Tahani

No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, "Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."

Tahani

That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.

Tahani

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar. "Let's go." What? That's what I said.

Tahani

What is that? Is that jewelry? Not that it matters. It's just some jewelry I don't have. Can I have it?

Tahani

Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up.

Tahani

The whole point of this afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me. And yet, even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah. Which is exactly the point. I was never going to be enough for you. Never going to earn your respect. You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening, and it's the happiest I have ever been.

Tahani

So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name altogether means...

Eleanor

"Congratulations, Beautiful.."

Tahani

Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.

Tahani

I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect.

Michael

Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.

Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

Michael

A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis!?

Tahani

Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

Michael

It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

Tahani

Jianyu, my love. How are you?

Jason

[reading Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.

Tahani

That's very profound.

Tahani

And do you like France as much as I do?

Chidi

Well, they enslaved my country for 300 years. So no. But they have great museums.

Tahani

By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?

Michael

Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."

Tahani

Could you describe it?

Michael

It's the color of... When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.

Tahani

Hmm. How about blue?

Michael

For a being like me, retirement is not something fun.

Tahani

What is "retirement" for you exactly?

Michael

Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... an extreme form of punishment. We call it "The Eternal Shriek." My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.

Tahani

Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.

Michael

They're not. And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...

Tahani

Like a piñata.

Michael

Yes, except you have the string around my waist, but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.

Michael

Well, Janet's been murdered. That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. I don't really know what happens now because Janet has never been murdered before... only today, here on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want.

Tahani

Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.

Michael

I'm not. I'm blaming you.

Eleanor

You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.

Tahani

Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.