Eleanor quotes from The Good Place

Trevor

Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating. See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up.

Eleanor

No, we didn't!

Trevor

Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?

Michael

You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear - [to Eleanor] they have them down there - but we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.

Eleanor

Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.

Michael

Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.

Eleanor

That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.

Chidi

You just lost five points.

Eleanor

There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving. There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place.

Tahani

[confused] Wall mart?

Eleanor

It's a place that regular people go. You haven't heard of it.

Tahani

Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start. Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others" or "change the consciousness of a nation." Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun!

Tahani

Eleanor, everyone hates you.

Eleanor

Well, fork you too.

Tahani

No, this is good. Now that we know, we can actually do something about it. And I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

So, big plans this weekend?

Eleanor

Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.

...

Hi there! Do you have a second to talk about the environment?

Eleanor

No! Buzz off whale humper!

You know, I see you here all the time, and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.

Eleanor

It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight I literally forget you exist.

Eleanor

Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.

Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. Jason taught me about sexy things.

Eleanor

Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.

Eleanor

Eh, some of those are right.

So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine. One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.

Eleanor

You were pretty coked-up, huh?

Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high! It was so awesome!

But you're not gonna believe this, I followed through. Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start that charity.

Eleanor

Good for you!

And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail.

Eleanor

Ooh.

Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me. [chuckles] 'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs] Do you have any? I'm just, I shouldn't. Do you?

Eleanor

No.

Oh, yeah...I mean, I was just, I was just kidding. It was just a joke. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now...

Eleanor

Are you okay?

Anyway...

Eleanor

Holy motherforking shirtballs.

Chidi

What?

Eleanor

Oh, man. [She starts laughing.] Wow! Okay, okay… Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out.

Michael

Is everything okay?

Eleanor

Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.

Chidi

What?!

Eleanor

[to Chidi] Trust me, I've got this. [to Michael and Shawn] That's our decision. Let's hit it.

Michael

Well, what about Real Eleanor?

Eleanor

No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.

Shawn

Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

Eleanor

Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.

Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.

Eleanor

Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.

…oh. Okay. [he leaves]

Eleanor

[to Michael] Ready when you are, boss.

Chidi

Eleanor, what's going on?

Eleanor

[turns back to face Tahani, Jason, and Chidi] It took me a while to figure it out. But just now, as we were all fighting, and yelling at each other, and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me: they're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.

Michael

Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.

Michael

Eleanor you and I both know that you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood. Everyone here led a remarkable life. But you the work you did as an environmental activist was just extraordinary!

Eleanor

Ah, well, it's the environment. I mean, I loved, um mushrooms. I can honestly say that.

Michael

Well, it paid off, because you were the number one point-getter in this entire neighborhood. And as such, I was just hoping that you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party. You know, just to introduce yourself.

Eleanor

How can I say no? Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no. But if I can: Michael, I'm saying no.

Michael

Okay, so, you'll speak for maybe an hour or so?

Eleanor

This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.

Michael

Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away?

Jason

Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.

Eleanor

Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

Eleanor

Hey, what if I, an already amazing person who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more about how to be a good person? Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?

Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye. Chidi, this is Eleanor.

Eleanor

Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.

Chidi

Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy focusing on deontology.

Eleanor

Hang on one second, Cheebee. [To Janet] This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?

Jason

I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.

Tahani

I'd never survive down there! They should take Eleanor! She's a pear shape! She'd fit right in!

Eleanor

Oh, excuse me! You WISH you could have a bite of this pear!