Eleanor quotes from The Good Place

Eleanor

As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.

Chidi

Your mom always said that?

Chidi

I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.

Eleanor

Oh, cool, more philosophy. That'll help us.

Chidi

Well, don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes, because our memories keep getting erased. It's an epistemological nightmare.

Eleanor

Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.

Chidi

You, you are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.

Eleanor

What do we do?

Jason

We team up with Michael.

Eleanor

Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.

Jason

He has a bow tie.

Eleanor

Oh, no.

Jason

I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.

Michael

I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to - the hanging bits.

Eleanor

Gross.

Michael

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Michael

We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.

Eleanor

"We're running out of time and I'm your only option?" A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option.

Chidi

How long do you have to know someone before you do the right thing?

Eleanor

Nine weeks, minimum.

Michael

I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream-

Eleanor

Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

Jason

And who am I? Describe me now!

Eleanor

Michael is not into your class. Right now, I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.

Chidi

Are you trying to say "valedictorian?"

Eleanor

No.

Chidi

Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about: that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.

Eleanor

That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.

Chidi

You mean a skirt?

Eleanor

No. You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up.

Eleanor

Dude, you broke Michael.

Chidi

No, no. This is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.

Eleanor

And what if he can't?

Chidi

Then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever, and we're all doomed.

Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. Your doggie, Max, has passed away. Do you know what that means? Well, sometimes when a dog is very old, like, five or six or something, he crosses a long rainbow bridge, and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm with lots of grass and trees and, I don't know, wagons and a rainbow. I already said "rainbow". The point is: that's where Max is.

Eleanor

Can we visit him at the farm?

Nope, because it's very far away in Guam. It's in Guam.

Eleanor

Can we at least...

Okay, look. I'm lying, okay? You caught me. Congratulations. The farm is made up. The bridge is made up. There's no such place as Guam.

Eleanor

Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad all the time. That's just the deal.

Michael

Sounds like a crappy deal.

Eleanor

Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Michael

These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?

Eleanor

Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your friend.

Goodbye, Derek.

Derek

Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.

Eleanor

Does he seem a little bit uh still alive?

Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.

Eleanor

I've been keeping a secret from you. About you.

Chidi

What is it?

Eleanor

The thing is, it's not even harming you, and if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you. So, uh, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.

Chidi

Yeah, well, forget all that. This is freaking me out. I'm losing my mind. So just tell me.