Eleanor quotes from The Good Place

Michael

So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those friends really were "friends," weren't they? Although - and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being. How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.

Eleanor

Yeah, we were all confused about that too.

Chidi

You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.

Eleanor

Janet is a nonhuman object who was sent here to help us, and the way she can help us is if we kill her. We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.

Chidi

Do you know who said that?

Eleanor

Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?

Chidi

It was Machiavelli. A very non-Oprah-like figure.

Chidi

Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.

Eleanor

Not with that attitude, we can't! Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.

Chidi

Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.

Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.

Chidi

Ah, thank you. That helps.

However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.

Eleanor

Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?

Chidi

I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.

[begging] Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...

Chidi

Ah!

Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.

Chidi

Your pleading seems so real.

Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Eleanor

Oh, wow. Look, it's Weekend at Bernie's, 'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?

Chidi

I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Chidi

Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?

A-B... Janet.

Eleanor

She knows her A-B-Janets.

Chidi

She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby.

Michael

Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

Eleanor

And socks? Ew, who would do that?

Michael

People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Eleanor

Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.

Jason

That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.

Chidi

You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.

Eleanor

No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Eleanor

You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.

Tahani

Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.

Jason

Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.

Eleanor

Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.

Jason

Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?

Eleanor

Sure, uh, just like the AllSpark from Transformers, and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything so only smiles and nods, got it?

Eleanor

I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.

Michael

That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Eleanor

I'm sorry I dragged you into this. And that I never did laundry. And that I waited until you were about to do yours then secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it.

Chidi

You didn't trick me. I repeatedly asked you to stop.

Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare. Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it. And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.

Trevor

Yep that was my pitch.

Eleanor

Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.

Chidi

Famously a piano player.

Eleanor

You know, maybe I'm not as great as Real Eleanor, but I'm better than I used to be. I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers invented a medium place?

Trevor

Look, I know you've been trying to become a "better person," I mean, you didn't want to get caught. I get it. But I read your file. You don't belong here. I mean, she spent her weekends breaking up dog fighting rings. You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket, and you barked like a dog till she ran away. I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the Bad Place. I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable. We will torture you, but you'll also be happier because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you just don't belong.