Dorothy and I are gonna team up with the Kaplan brothers.
The Kaplan brothers! You mean you and Dorothy are joining a country western band?
That's the Gatlin brothers, Rose!
S3 E16Grab That Dough
Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was torture!
What was it called, Sophia?
I just told you: Torture! Mussolini asked the questions, and you better have the right answers. Things like, "Who do you like better, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler?" And you always had to answer, "Mussolini!" Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!
Come on, Ma, you're making this up.
Like hell I did. Goodson-Todman brought it to the United States, changed a few rules and called it Tattletales!
S3 E17My Brother, My Father
Hi girls, tell me, how did the audition for the play go?
Awful! We just got two tiny parts.
We're doing The Sound of Music and Blanche is mad 'cause she didn't get the lead.
Oh, I can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role! You've gotten it the past five years in a row!
Well, they hired a new director this year, and he has no taste.
Blanche used to sleep with the old one. The new director's gay!
A gay theater director, did you ever hear of such a thing?
That's absolutely shocking. The next thing you know, they'll have black basketball players in the NBA.
[rehearsing The Sound of Music]
The Nazis are coming, the Nazis are coming!
[Sophia runs into the room]
Everybody grab a gun and run to the basement! Come on! Move, move!
[Rose and Blanche help Sophia onto the couch and try to calm her down]
Sophia, now just relax, we're just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.
Oh, thank God!
[coming in from the pouring rain] Whew, it is really coming down!
What's coming down?
[pauses, then responds crossly] The Liberace marquee at Caesar's Palace.
[meeting Angelo; in nun's costume, panties in hand] We're here collecting, uh, lingerie... for needy sexy people.
[upon learning that the airport is closed because of the hurricane] That means we could be trapped together for days!
[still in nun's costume] Oh, JESUS!
[Angelo, who is unaware that Blanche isn't really a nun, looks at her with a shocked expression.]
...Please protect us and watch over us in this our hour of need!
Amen!
Hurricanes can be kind of fun. I remember one when I was married!
Married?
Uh... Mary. When I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent, remember that, Sister Rose?
Oh, yes, Sister Blanche is quite an actress.
She'd have to be, to make anyone believe she was a virgin!
Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit!
Ya know, for two cents...
...you could get a better toupee?
Okay, that's it, I've had enough, I'm not going on with this anymore!
[pointing] Angelo, look! Saint Francis of Assisi!
[While Angelo is looking away, Sophia slaps Stan across the face.]
Shut up and play ball, you yutz! [To Angelo] False alarm, never mind.
Sophia, you're lookin' terrific! You haven't changed a bit in 40 years!
Angelo, you're a priest, you shouldn't lie!
Ah, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Before the trip I said an extra fifty Hail Mary's in case I felt like cutting loose. ... Dorothy!
Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you!
Dorothy, you know something, you look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.
He just used up all fifty Hail Mary's on that one.
Stan, you still a funny guy, got a sense of humor still, eh? [To Dorothy] He still make you laugh like he used to?
Well, not really, but then again I haven't seen him naked lately.
[crawling between Dorothy and Stan in bed] Stanley, think of me as the Berlin Wall! Try to climb over me, and you'll know what barbed wire between your legs feels like!
[on the phone, unaware that Angelo is in the kitchen] Hi Walter, how are you? ... Yeah, I feel like a caged animal in heat too. ... Walter, you naughty boy! Keep on talkin'! ... What am I wearing? Well, to be perfectly honest, A NUN'S OUTFIT! ... Oh, sounds good to me, uh huh. I'll be over just as soon as this storm lets up! [hangs up, then sees Angelo staring at her quizzically; to Angelo] He's a leper. And I'm the only one who'll touch him.
[Angelo, not knowing Stan and Dorothy are divorced, brings Stan into Dorothy's room at night. When Angelo leaves, Stan sits on the end of the bed]
SStan
Dorothy, I know it's been a while, but try to control yourself, I need to get some rest. [Dorothy kicks him off of the bed] What the hell was that for?!
DDorothy
Stanley, you're not getting into this bed!
SStan
Well, where the hell am I supposed to sleep?
DDorothy
On the floor, like any dog.
SStan
Fine! [grabs pillow and sheets] Just fine! Stan Zbornak doesn't have to beg a woman to get into bed! Women come to me!
DDorothy
Oh, sure. Right after they get the approval number on your MasterCard!
SStan
Good night!
DDorothy
Oh, shut up!
[Stan gets on the floor and lays down as Dorothy turns off the light. He starts laughing]
DDorothy
Stanley, if you're doing what I think you're doing, you're in big trouble.
S3 E19And Ma Makes Three
You're dumping your own mother?
Faster than CBS dumped Jimmy the Greek.
Okay girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?
The chain.
An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?
Well that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom.
Yes, but, the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge "spare tire," jutting out over those square manly hips.
Dorothy Why don't I just wear a sign that says "Too Ugly To Live"?
Fine, but what are you going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls?
[angrily] Neither, I'm going to spray paint it on my hump!!
See, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do. I'm going to run for Fashion Show Chairman.
Well, you're just wasting your time. Who on that fashion committee is going to vote for you? I'm gonna win.
Well, I don't see how that's possible. Everybody on the committee is female. Who are you going to sleep with?
Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone? ... All women?
S3 E20Larceny and Old Lace
[reading from Rose's diary] Dear Diary, I don't know how much longer I can stand living with these two pigs. At first, moving in with them seemed like a good way to save money, but it's just getting out of hand. If one isn't keepin' me awake all night with her squealin', the other one is belchin' in my face! [stops reading] You do that sometimes, Dorothy. After you've had a Denver omelet.
Look, this is a real invasion of Rose's privacy. And it's a Spanish omelet.
[knocking on Sophia's door] Sophia?
I'm not in. Wait for the beep and leave a message. Beep!
Hi, this is Rose...
Rose, shut up and get in here!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.