Stan, I am not driving around with license plates that say POT HEAD.
That's just an abbreviation. I didn't have room for the whole 'potato head.'
S6 E3If At Last You Do Succeed...
[about Stan's latest invention] What's a "Zborny"?
I put up with it for thirty-eight years, Rose. Trust me, you don't want to know.
[The girls and Stan are watching a commercial for his patented potato opener on TV]
[on TV] Now, you can finally open your baked potato without burning your hands!
[watching wide-eyed] No, it can't be done!
[on TV] Yes, it can be done!
Now, look, we can't go on living like this with Blanche and Rose not speaking to each other. So, whatever the results of the secret ballot, we go with it. No more arguments. Agreed?
All right, yes, yes.
Okay, here we go. [reads votes] "Split the money." "Let Blanche keep it." "Give it to the old lady."
Yes!
"Split the money." Well, Blanche, looks like the splits have it.
Big Daddy was right. Women should not be allowed to vote.
If it's any consolation, Blanche, when I wrote "Give it to the old lady," I did mean you.
[about how Stan's changed] This is not the same man who screamed "Paint my toenails, we've invaded Korea!"
You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St. Olaf story about this.
I believe you. I just hate you.
Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman - of course, nobody ever made fun of her for that - anyway, when Ol' Space Needle was in high school, she drank some Cherry Herring and made love in the back seat of a Fjord Fjairlane. [notices puzzled looks from others] Local car.
Oh.
And she... got in trouble, if you know what I mean, Dorothy. Ganakkadopenschpingel.
She knows what you mean.
Anyway, her boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg, St. Olaf's only bald high school student, had to marry her.
Well, why would she marry a guy like that?
Because I was young! [catches herself] I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Rose, this is your story. Go- go on, go on.
Well anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-On Warts.
Who bought those?!
Hags, mostly. Don't you see, he was successful, and he wanted Gunilla back.
Well, what happened to her, Rose?
Skylab fell on her.
What is the POINT of this story?!!
Be thankful for your health!
S6 E4Snap Out of It
Stop being so vain. You can't stay forty two forever.
Yes you can. If you eat right, exercise, and live with women who look A LOT OLDER THAN YOU.
Tell me something Rose, is "Kill the Bitch" a traditional St. Olaf party game?
[before going in to a Meals-on-Wheels customer's aparment] This is Mrs. Taylor. You'll get along with her just fine. Two things. One, compliment her cat, and two, Jews control the planet.
Got it.
[steps in] Oh hi, Fluffy, looking good!
[Dorothy delivers a meal on wheels to a hippie shut-in]
JJimmy
Well, I'm hungry. And I'm on the list. And who do you think you are?
Sergeant Zbornak, food police. Now look, I don't want any trouble, now just hand over that turkey loaf.
JJimmy
No, you can't, I need this food, except for the carrot raisin salad. I never understood carrot raisin salad.
[to Jimmy] Wait a minute. You're not old. You're not ill. You're no slave to fashion.
...and I think I'm really making progress with Jimmy, although I think I could make more if Ma would stop yelling 'boo'.
You know, Sophia, this birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You think you could help me, too?
Sure. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it.
Sophia!
So what if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, you fossil.
My mistake. I thought since you looked like Yoda you were also wise.
[beginning a St. Olaf story] We had a gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.
Oh God!
On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse where Charlie and I got our marriage license and our permit to have kids. Oh my, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around it and look in.
and they say Hollywood is the Entertainment Capital of the World.
Well we didn't just look, sometimes we'd point too, or spit and time it.
whimpering. She buries her head in her palm.
Then there was always that wise guy who'd have a few drinks and unzip himself.
It's official. I hate her.
S6 E5Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy
Oh, Pussycat, just the person I'm looking for. I have a question for you, strictly hypothetical. Let's say a man wants to take you on a date.
Why is that hypothetical?
Check your calendar, Pussycat.
CMrs. Continni
Oh, wait a minute, you forgot to answer the questions on the back and I still need a picture.
Can you settle for a thousand words?
CMrs. Continni
No.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.