James Chang quotes from The Gentlemen

I’m Susie Glass.

How can I help you, Ms. Glass?

I used to be in business with your father.

Well, forgive my confusion, but my father wasn’t exactly known for his business acumen.

I have certain... interests I need to discuss with you.

What kind of interests?

Probably easier if I just show you. [driving Eddie to a farm] I liked your father. He was a proper gentleman. A tad eccentric, but your lot are. Must’ve come as a bit of a shock, inheriting everything. The house. The title.

Worse things have happened to me.

Did he mention the revenue he was making from the farm?

No, he didn’t. Couldn’t have been significant, otherwise I’d have known about it.

Depends what you consider to be “significant.” He was making £5 million in cash a year. Plus profit share.

Excuse me? Five million pounds? I’m guessing it wasn’t from yogurts and burgers, Ms. Glass?

Follow me. [leads him to barn, opens door and leads Eddie down stairs]

Now, what happens down there? [sees massive marijuana growing operation] Ah. What the fuck is going on?

The cannabis market in the UK is worth over six billion a year. Now, we’ve managed to corner a substantial share of that market, but the challenge is finding the space to grow it. That’s where your father came in. In return for a generous consideration, he let us carry out our activities with the necessary impunity. Turns out there ain’t that many 15,000-acre estates where you can do whatever you want without anyone knowing. What’s this one called, Jimmy?

Frisian duck. Very popular right now.

This is Jimmy. He’s been product supervisor here for... How long’s it been now, Jimmy?

[points] Three years now, boss. That’s how long I’ve been living under your gaff. I can’t believe we finally get to meet! [crosses arms on chest] Me and you, we’s like fam. Except you, you’s like a duke, innit?

Nice to finally meet you, Jimmy. [to Susie] Assuming my father was receiving about... 10% a year, which would seem fair, this place must be turning over 50 million a year.

You’re in the right ballpark.

And being that you said you have a substantial share of the market... One would assume “substantial” means half or more. That means this is a very small cog in a much larger machine. You must have dozens of places like this all over the country.

Your father never concerned himself with the workings of the wider operation.

Well, I’m very curious.

All you need to know is that we have an agreement that means, as the new landlord, you will receive a significant amount of money every year in return for letting us carry out our activities.

Well, the trouble is, I might have to put the house on the market.

We’d prefer to keep things as they are.

I’m sorry if that puts you in an awkward position, Ms. Glass, but it’s my house, and my hand might be forced.

I completely understand, Your Grace.

Ah, so sorry, can I get some of that special sauce to go with it, please?

The special sauce is on the table. You just help yourself.

Ah, okay. [sits at table]

Gabrielle

[places condiment bottle] Can’t have cheesy rings without special sauce.

Thanks.

Gabrielle

Some people say it’s just ketchup and mayo. They don’t know what they’re talking about.

That’s just a thousand islands dressing, innit?

Gabrielle

Exactly. They’re forgetting the secret ingredient. I thought it was lemon juice, but now I’m not so sure.

I was always working on the assumption that it was horseradish.

Gabrielle

Horseradish? Interesting. Don’t tell me you’re about to put that on your egg and bacon pancake stack.

Ah, I know it sounds so wrong. But I promise you, it tastes so right.

Gabrielle

I thought I was the only one.

What? You’re kidding?

Gabrielle

I just had a whole plateful now. I’m about to finish off my cheesy rings.

Ah, you see, I eat my cheesy rings first, ’cause, you know, you gotta eat them while they’re hot.

Gabrielle

Nah, I prefer them close to room temperature.

Hmm. You know what? I’mma put one aside, let it cool down. See if you’re right.

Thanks for taking me in, Geoff.

Geoff Seacombe

I’m not here to lecture ya. We’ve gotta shake the old snow globe once in a while, don’t we? But the important thing is, you’ve gotta learn from the experience. Do you understand what I’m saying?

I... I think so.

Geoff Seacombe

Good.

I realized I haven’t been taking things as seriously as I should. I need to make changes. Drastic ones. So I’ve decided I’m only gonna smoke weed in the evenings. Not first thing when I wake up in the morning. Not when I’m eating lunch. Or after lunch. Or when I’ve had something to eat–

We are still a mil and a half down on the weed though.

Ah, yeah. I realized that too. And I’ll endeavor to repay that debt. I mean, right now, I’m working on this new hybrid weed strain, and the THC on that bad boy... [mimics explosion]

You’d better get back to work, then.

Yes, boss.

[on boat out on lake with Jimmy] You know what it is, James? I’m angry. I’ll tell you what really champs my giblets. I should be an asset to them. They should want me around. I’m smart. I’m a smart guy. I’ve got grades. It’s... It blows my mind, man. I screw up one time... maybe a couple, two, three times, all of a sudden, I’m persona non gratis, not wanted, en voyage. It’s... it’s insane. It’s ridiculous, is what it is, James.

Freddy? Just chill out, man.

Maybe I don’t wanna chill out, James. Maybe... maybe I need to get out of here. What do you say? You and me.

I can’t, bruv. I’ve gotta meet someone. Or more like something. Something special.

You know what?

[Freddy lights a dynamite stick] Oh, whoa! What are you doing? Freddy!

I’m staying right here. [throws dynamite stick over shoulder] Oorah!

Plants are actually a lot more like humans than people tend to think. They breathe. They’re territorial. They communicate with each other.

Gabrielle

How come you know so much about plants?

It’s what I do, I guess. I’m like a botanist.

Gabrielle

Oh, no way. My granddad used to run a nursery. Flowers, not kids.

I like flowers.

Gabrielle

Hmm. I’d love to see your plants one day.

Oh. That’s a bit of a tricky one. Where I work is sort of like a… restricted access area sort of thing. I trust you. It’s just... recently we… we’ve been having a bit of trouble at work. Some of our plants went missing. Oddly enough, it was on the day that we met.

Gabrielle

What? You don’t think I had anything to do with that, do you?

Oh, no, course not.

Gabrielle

Yeah. I mean, what am I gonna steal a load of plants for?

Gabrielle

[being led through cannabis grow-op] It’s like a secret garden.

I know, right? That’s how I like to see it. It’s like an underground world filled with magical plants that bring nothing but righteousness and can help everyone feel so much better. And it’s all being outlawed by Babylon.

Gabrielle

How many plants you got down here?

Rather not get into those details, to be honest. It’s a bit... a bit sensitive information.

Gabrielle

You worried I’m gonna report you?

No, of course not. It’s just I like to take my professional responsibilities very seriously.

Gabrielle

Me too.

Oh, snap. What kind of work do you do then?

Gabrielle

I’m a consultant. People bring me in when they’ve got a problem, and I help them fix it. A jack of all trades but a master of none is oftentimes better than a master of one.

Wow. You’re so clever. D’you wanna smoke a joint or something? I’ve got loads of different flavors and strains.

Gabrielle

Uh, I don’t smoke. I don’t mind if you do though.

Maybe I’ll just have a cheeky little one. I’m sure there’s one in the ashtray. Just give me two secs.

Gabrielle

Okay.

Be right back.

Gabrielle

You reckon the world would be a better place if everyone smoked weed?

Um... Not necessarily. But it’d definitely make it a lot more calmer.

Gabrielle

You’re gonna need a lot more than this if you’re gonna change the world.

Oh, no. This spot, it’s just one of 12.

Gabrielle

Each one as big as this?

There’s ones even biggerǃ

Gabrielle

That’s a pretty substantial network.

Sure you don’t want a toke?

Gabrielle

Well, since I’m with the king of green, why not? [takes blunt and takes drag]

What’s the story between you two? Looking very cozy on that couch the other night. If you know what I mean.

It’s just a work thing. We’re associates, really.

You see, I can tell by that glint in your eye that you’re the outlaw, Susie. I’d say you have a bit of rebel blood flowing through those veins. And a working-class girl like you and a duke, his type were locking up the likes of me and you since William the Conqueror.

You’re not wrong. But we’re not here to talk about me, JP. We’re here to find out how you plan on pulling all this off.

Well, this is the crack. Myself and me family are back and forth to Europe all the time. Sometimes via Ireland, sometimes not. One month, it could be a horse fair in Spain. Next month, it could be a trip to a campsite in Belgium. But this month, it’s gonna be a pilgrimage to Lourdes. [enters stables]

[to Susie] Boss, if you would have told me in school that I’d be earning bare money shoving packs of weed up a Virgin Mary, I’d have said you’d gone mad, bruv.

[in cannabis grow-op] Welcome to the cauldron of creativity, brother. James, would you give us the floor?

Oh, yeah, of course. [fist bumps Freddy] Relax. You got this, fam. [leaves]

That’s cool. Thanks, man.

So what’s this little project you’ve got going with Jimmy?

[chuckles] Okay, well, first of all, it’s not just a little fucking... [sighs deeply] The point is, this time, I did something extraordinary. And your bosses are gonna wanna hear about it.

All right, Freddy. I have no doubt. I just wanna temper your expectations.

That’s fine, that’s fine. Temper away. Go ahead and temper those expectations. I’m about to exceed yours.

[Freddy places potted plant on table] What exactly is that?

See, what happened was, I meet this guy. Old guy, big beard, looked like Jesus. Starts telling me about this project he’s been working on. Growing sativa marijuana seeds in the same soil as coca plants. See, what happens is, over time, the seeds start to absorb the properties from the coke plants, and, eventually, voilà! Crack weed. Or weed crack. I can’t remember which way–

I have to stop you there.

No, let me finish, okay? Look, I know... I know this sounds crazy– And scientifically impossible. Look, I appre– This shit is gonna be a fucking game changer for the business. The bottom line is, I just… I just need you to arrange a sit-down for me with Susie, okay?

What?

And... possibly also with her dad.

No.

Pleaseǃ

Circumstances have changed, all right? The Glasses can’t be trusted. They’re exploiting us.

Fuck itǃ Let’s exploit them right backǃ

They are dangerous, all right? Susie had Jethro killed.

Who the fuck is Jethro? Who... Oh, [makes headphone gesture] the... the guy with the...

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, all right. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, obviously, I mean, that is pretty bad.

The point is, Freddy, they lied to us. Susie lied to us. They have no intention of ever leaving our land.

Maybe we don’t want them to leave. Listen, Eddie, I know… I know I can be a touch unreliable at times, but I really think I’m onto something here.

You know what I think, Freddy? I think that you are an addict.

What the fuck has that–

And this is one of many indulgences that I’m gonna have to bail you out of. This is not a game, Freddy. They will kill you. They will kill me. They will kill our entire fucking family if it helps them get what they want. I’m not gonna change my mind.

Tell me what happened.

So the two of them just went at it. And then the Uzbek guy was like, boom, boom. But Jack, he just kept fighting, punching, like, bam and shuffle, shuffle. Bam! But the Uzbek geezer, he was a ringer. And then Jack just dropped. And that just made us all sad.

Jimmy, what about Susie? What was she saying?

A lot of bad words. Like "F" and "C."

What about Henry Collins?

Yeah, I think he was the "C."

Has she been back to the farm yet?

Nah. I think she's at home, innit. Being sad.

Where's that?

What? Her home?

Yes, Jimmy. Where's her home?

Your Grace, that's, like, a secret. Not even I'm supposed to know.

But you do know, don't you, Jimmy?

S-Sort of.

Morning, Susan.

Captain. Been taking a look at your projections. I didn't realize mɑrіjսɑnɑ was the second-most valuable crop in the United States.

Mm. Other than soybeans. Americans do love a soybean.

Reckon there's a political will to push it through?

Decriminalization is a win-win. Not only do you reduce crime, relieving pressure on the police and freeing up space in the prisons for those naughty little criminals, you also bring in additional tax revenue worth billions a year. Consumers will be able to choose between expensive legal weed that they buy in a shop and inexpensive illegal weed they buy on the street.

You're confident decriminalization wouldn't have a negative impact on the pre-existing market that's provided both bread and butter to my family for the last generation?

The only difference is, instead of one line on the graph, there are now two big, fat ones.

The prospect of doing this without my father's permission leaves me with a sense of trepidation. He may look like Father Christmas, but if you end up on his naughty list, a lump of coal at the bottom of your stocking is gonna be the least of your worries.

The bill's gonna go through, whether he likes it or not. If we get in now, we can use our position to take advantage. We wait, and we get left behind.

Hm.

Can I count on your support?

[answers phone] You all right, Jimmy?

Sorry to interrupt you, boss. I think we've got a bit of a problem down at the farm. Only it's a bit delicate. Maybe even politically motivated.

What sort of problem, Jimmy?

They call it a go-slow. It's a strike aimed at reducing productivity by moving at half the speed.