Edward Horniman quotes from The Gentlemen

400 years ago, this estate spread out as far as the eye could see. In every direction. All the way down to the coast. It’s been diminished. Year after year. Generation after generation. First came the apologies. Then came the shame. Then came the contraction. It’s like a rot. I want it back, Geoff. I want it all back.

Welcome home, sir.

Did you miss me, Mr. Lawrence?

Terribly.

[meeting in foyer] Hello, Freddy.

[holds out arms for hug] Eddie. Edwina, Eduardo, you made it. Come to me. Well done, darling boy. Well done. Let’s hug it out. Bring it in. Hug it out. There we go. [grunts] Good to see you.

How is he?

[sighs] Shit, mate, to be honest. Yeah. [referring to their father] His goose is cooked man. Doc says tonight. Tomorrow morning maybe...

Hmm. What about you? How you doing?

To be honest, I’ve got absolutely no idea. I mean, I’m really just, you know... [exhales]

How’s Mum?

Yeah, she’s the one we need to keep an eye on. Pretty sure she’s been dipping her beak in Dad’s meds. She’s got eyes like fucking... hubcaps.

[pats Freddy on back] Right. Let’s keep it together. Okay.

[on death bed to Eddie] Of course, by that time, he’s three sheets to the wind, stark-bollock naked. He’d just forgotten he was in the Upper Chamber. The first Duke of Halstead was tough was tough as iron. Built this place himself. Every stone of it. Single-handed...

Dad...

[Eddie holds his hand] Pinched the stone from the old monastery.

It's me, Edward.

Why'd you turn back on us, my boy? DO you think it's brave to go swanning off playing tough-tough with your friends? It's not. The estate is not to be carved upǃ Is that clear?

Don't worry about that. Just get some rest.

And look after your brotherǃ He won't survive without youǃ You understand?

I understand, Dad.

The third duke, mean old bastard, killed 15 Frenchman before lunch. He was getting himself ready to fight a duel. He shot his own foot offǃ Haǃ Silly cuntǃ [coughs and chokes]

[links arms with Eddie and walks with him after father's funeral] This estate has been in the family for over 600 years, and Freddy's gonna... the lost by Christmas. We should do something about it, Edward.

Hmm. If Dad left it to you, you'd spend it all rewilding bears in Berkshire.

What's wrong with bears? I like bears. They leave no carbon footprint, and they were here before us.

Yes, and they'll fucking eat you. Anyway, it's irrelevant. The entire estate gets handed down to the firstborn son. Freddy's the heir and I'm the spare.

Maybe we should topple him together.

Hmm. Now there's an idea.

How may I help you, Your Grace?

I need to get a large amount of cash by the end of the week.

How much exactly?

Eight million pounds. [laughs]

Goodness. Jesus Christ.

Six million sterling.

Your inheritance has made you a very wealthy man, but that doesn’t mean to say that you’re rich. You’re asset rich, cash poor.

[inhales sharply] Tell me, how come there are no significant transactions in any of my father’s bank accounts in the last five years?

Your father’s personal expenditure was something we never discussed.

Right. What about bonds, stocks and shares?

There aren’t any. There...? There might have been matters we… didn’t address. But, of course, I couldn’t comment.

Well, that’s rather cryptic, Ahmed.

You could sell the Gainsborough. But to attain the ultimate value will take a number of months. There has been a... slightly unconventional approach from a lawyer based in London. His client has expressed an interest in purchasing Halstead Manor.

When someone dies, the vultures start circling. Rather cheeky, isn’t it? Hmm. What’s his name?

The potential purchaser wishes to remain anonymous at this stage. But his lawyer has stated that he’d be willing to pay well above the market value. That could be a significant sum. But there’s probate and capital gains to take into account.

Tell them I’d be willing to potentially entertain an offer if he’s aggressive and quick.

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but I would be in remiss of my duties not to point out that Halstead Manor’s been in your family for generations.

Since 1550.

I’m Susie Glass.

How can I help you, Ms. Glass?

I used to be in business with your father.

Well, forgive my confusion, but my father wasn’t exactly known for his business acumen.

I have certain... interests I need to discuss with you.

What kind of interests?

Probably easier if I just show you. [driving Eddie to a farm] I liked your father. He was a proper gentleman. A tad eccentric, but your lot are. Must’ve come as a bit of a shock, inheriting everything. The house. The title.

Worse things have happened to me.

Did he mention the revenue he was making from the farm?

No, he didn’t. Couldn’t have been significant, otherwise I’d have known about it.

Depends what you consider to be “significant.” He was making £5 million in cash a year. Plus profit share.

Excuse me? Five million pounds? I’m guessing it wasn’t from yogurts and burgers, Ms. Glass?

Follow me. [leads him to barn, opens door and leads Eddie down stairs]

Now, what happens down there? [sees massive marijuana growing operation] Ah. What the fuck is going on?

The cannabis market in the UK is worth over six billion a year. Now, we’ve managed to corner a substantial share of that market, but the challenge is finding the space to grow it. That’s where your father came in. In return for a generous consideration, he let us carry out our activities with the necessary impunity. Turns out there ain’t that many 15,000-acre estates where you can do whatever you want without anyone knowing. What’s this one called, Jimmy?

Frisian duck. Very popular right now.

This is Jimmy. He’s been product supervisor here for... How long’s it been now, Jimmy?

[points] Three years now, boss. That’s how long I’ve been living under your gaff. I can’t believe we finally get to meet! [crosses arms on chest] Me and you, we’s like fam. Except you, you’s like a duke, innit?

Nice to finally meet you, Jimmy. [to Susie] Assuming my father was receiving about... 10% a year, which would seem fair, this place must be turning over 50 million a year.

You’re in the right ballpark.

And being that you said you have a substantial share of the market... One would assume “substantial” means half or more. That means this is a very small cog in a much larger machine. You must have dozens of places like this all over the country.

Your father never concerned himself with the workings of the wider operation.

Well, I’m very curious.

All you need to know is that we have an agreement that means, as the new landlord, you will receive a significant amount of money every year in return for letting us carry out our activities.

Well, the trouble is, I might have to put the house on the market.

We’d prefer to keep things as they are.

I’m sorry if that puts you in an awkward position, Ms. Glass, but it’s my house, and my hand might be forced.

I completely understand, Your Grace.

I see you’ve been introduced to Ms. Glass. Which also makes me think you also know what’s been going on.

What’s the extent of your involvement?

I make it my business not to be my business. 15,000 acres is enough to keep me busy.

Especially when you take in every wounded animal you come across. It’s like a bloody zoo in here.

Yeah, Charlie got hit by a car. Sarah-Jane flew into a window. My little mate here, she’s got a broken leg.

Hmm. Is that a fox, Geoff?

Yeah.

Aren’t you employed to cull foxes?

Is there something specific you wanted to ask me, Your Grace?

Yes. My father was happy with the status quo. I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with it.

Well, that could be difficult. These are serious people, by all accounts.

So you think I should just keep the money and keep schtum?

Worked for your father, more or less. Now they got their roots in.

The trouble is, I’ve run into a spot of bother. And for various reasons, I need their help.

Help, they’ll give ya. But it’ll come at a price.

Hmm. What do you know about them?

They’re dangerous bastards. At the end of the day, they’re businessmen. As long as you’re gonna make ’em money, they’ll have a conversation with ya. You need to be careful. Although they appear to be house-trained, don’t be deceived by the facade.

[sitting in vehicle] Does the name Stanley Johnston ring a bell?

No, why?

He’s the chap I just sold the wine to. He is very interested in buying the estate. And the kind of money he was offering suggested he might know something about the operation.

What did you say his name was?

Stanley Johnston.

With a ‘T’.

What did you say to him?

I said it wasn’t for sale.

Well done. That’s the correct answer. [hands out sheet] Take a look at this.

What is it?

The lyrics to a song Freddy’s gotta sing when he hands the money over. And he’s gotta dance. Like a chicken.

Like a chicken?

Like a chicken.

Why does he have to dance like a chicken?

Because Tommy Dixon, understandably, needs an apology. [Pete gestures from residence door] Party time. [She and Eddie exits vehicle]

[walking to residence door and reads aloud] “I’m a posh twat who fucked up, ee-iee-io. I fucked up because I’m a knob, ee-iee-io. With a twat, twat here, and a twat, twat there.” How old is Tommy Dixon?

It’s a small price to pay.

[holds up bags] Want us to count it? Guy said it’s all there.

No, I’m good.

You sure? It’ll just take a little while.

No, come on, let’s go.

All right. I think he wants to say sorry.

Oh. Do you want an apology?

I don’t know. Do I?

Yes, you do. We need closure.

Blanket!

[drags out a bloodied Freddy] One Sticky Peteǃ

Freddy Horniman

I... I just wanted to say sorry from the bottom of my heartǃ Ah, that’s nice, innit, Eddie? I gave you back the money, and I’ve said I’m sorry, so are we cool?

[sighs] I don’t know. Are we cool, Edward?

Yeah. Yeah, we’re cool. [walking to vehicle] You said you were gonna talk to him.

Oh, we did. Don’t worry about him. We did him a favor. We discipline the dog, not the man.

What’s that supposed to mean?

There’s a dog in a man that the man can’t control. So we had to control it for him. Know what the fundamental challenge with the human condition is?

No. But filling in the blanks, is it too much dog and not enough man?

Too much untrained dog. And we are in the dog training business.

[answers] Uh, hello, Freddy’s phone.

Is Freddy there? I need a word.

He’s at dinner, unfortunately. Can I take a message?

My name’s John Dixon. Who am I speaking to, please?

Uh, you’re speaking to Edward, his brother.

Oh, right. Well, that’s a coincidence ’cause I’m ringing about my brother, Tommy Dixon. Maybe you’ve heard of him?

Yes, he was here this morning, actually.

Oh, right. Well, that’s good to know. You see, he hasn’t come home, so I’m trying to ascertain his whereabouts.

Well, he left here this morning at about 11:00 a.m.

You were there, were ya?

I was, yes.

That would make you the last person to have seen him.

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Dixon. Uh, is there anything we can do to help?

Would it be all right if I drop by tomorrow, say, twelve o’clock, just so we can talk things through?

If you think that would help, of course.

I do, yeah.

All right, take care of yourself until then. [hangs up]

[to associate] Errol, I smell trouble.

[The Gospel pulls up with subordinates] Freddy, why are there two cars? They’ve brought an entire football team.

Yeah, they don’t travel light.

[gestures] Don’t be intimidated by the look of my lads. They’re good lads. Nice lads. They’re God-fearing lads.

Good afternoon, Mr. Dixon.

This your gaff, is it?

Yes.

Very, um, Versace. Very impressive. But your leccy bill must be shocking.

Sorry, what’s a... what’s a leccy bill?

I believe you know my brother, Freddy.

Oh yeah, me and Freddy know each other. [flashback of Freddy being tortured] You should repent, son. ‘Cause Jesus loves you. We are well acquainted.

Good. [to staffer] Mr. Lawrence. Please. [to John] And, uh, bring the whole choir.

[seated in living room on couches] We’re sorry to hear that your brother’s been missing. Like I said on the phone, after Freddy concluded his business yesterday morning, they left and we haven’t heard from them since.

Was the business matter resolved to Tommy’s satisfaction?

Yes. Freddy gave Tommy the money. Tommy waited while his associate, uh, J-Jethro, was it?

It was Jethro, yeah.

Jethro counted the money to make sure it was all there, and then they, uh, they left.

You see, my concern is that neither of them have been heard from since they left this house. And then we got this cryptic text from Jethro. Errol, show ’em the cryptic text.

“Tackle Tommy Woo Woo.” Is that a religious thing?

I think not.

No, sure. Could he have sat on his phone perhaps?

Maybe. But I think he was trying to send us a message. The question is... what?

Oh.

Eddie, any... any thoughts on that one?

No idea, I’m afraid. There was one thing, however. Most probably nothing, but, uh, there was a small altercation.

What do you mean by “altercation”?

He means when two–

Errol, I know what altercation meansǃ

While Jethro was counting the money, your brother became... frustrated, and words were exchanged.

Errol, that sound typical to you?

I’ve never heard a syllable of discontent between them two.

So what was the nature of the disagreement?

Tommy was frustrated at how long the process was taking. Jethro didn’t wanna be rushed. Tommy isn’t the most patient of people, to be fair. [the Gospel chuckles] Perhaps it was just that. Like I said… could’ve been nothing.

Nothing. My hope is that Tommy has simply strayed from the path. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. [chuckles] God loves nothing more than a sinner who has returned to the fold. And on that note, does anyone here feel the need to repent?

Jack Glass

[Eddie approaches training in boxing gym] Oi! Want a fight? [laughs] I’m fucking with you, mateǃ Joking. Unless you want one? You army boys love a ruck, don’t ya?

Actually, I’m looking for your sister.

Jack Glass

Business or pleasure?

Strictly business.

Jack Glass

Better be. [laughs] Just fucking with yaǃ Watch yourself. She’s got the right hump. You might be better off in hereǃ

The state of him. He can barely keep his eyes open. [sighs] So, Eddie, you want to place a further burden upon my shoulders.

Well, I’m sorry if it’s an inconvenience for you, but when we discussed me collecting a vehicle for you, I wasn’t expecting to encounter severed human body parts.

What human body parts?

Finger.

Single or plural?

Single.

Thumb or index?

Little.

Hmm.

It may be the smallest finger on the human hand, but the fact that it’s been hacked off suggests a significant escalation in terms of the people we’re dealing with.

Oh, Eddie. You’re not getting a case of the collywobbles?

No. I’m merely making you aware of the situation. Running it up the chain of command, as it were.

As it were. Now, I’m not suggesting you’ve been lied to, but it’s safe to say the information you’ve been given was incomplete.

But now you have a lead on your weed, I was wondering if there was a scenario where I don’t have to steal a car for you. We have a name.

That’s more than likely a fake name. And the only description we have is from a witness who’s dosed up to the gills on psilocybin. But more importantly, my dad’s asked. He’s got his reasons. He will reciprocate. So, yes, I still need you to steal the car.

Can I ask you a question, please?

Sure.

Why the fuck are we doing any of this? We could do what dad did. Five million a year for absolutely nothing. It’s a pretty good payday.

It’s not about the money. It’s about removing ourselves from a criminal organization. It’s about taking back control.

Control. So just so I’ve got this clear in my mind. In order to stop ourselves being associated with criminals, we are going to become... criminals.

[with ski mask on] We’re not criminals, Freddy. [leaves vehicle]

[Eddie and Susie pull into warehouse with Freddy tied to chair with Mercy holding a machete] You’d better have my rice. He says he’s your brother. Is this true, or is this more bullshit like the stupid voice he made?

He’s my brother. Now you have your product, you can let him go.

[scoffs] You stole from meǃ There have to be consequences.

They didn’t know what they were stealing.

[points machete] And you are?

I’m Susie Glass.

Compliments to the chef. Certain lanes for certain horses. Certain slips for certain dogs. You know how this works. You can’t just return what you stole. We have people, organizations, competition. They need to know, cause and effect. I mean, someone’s got to pay.

We understand. That’s why we brought a peace offering. [opens van back door to reveal Toni Blair] As you can tell, we’ve been misled. Now you put him in the chair instead of my brother.

I believe in, uh, biblical punishment. Hmm? [pulls off Freddy's hood]

Eddie. For the love of fuck, get– [Mercy strikes him on head]

Agh, Jesus Christ. Eye for an eye. If someone tries to steal from you, it’s enough to take off a finger.

You don’t need to take a finger. You don’t need to take anything else because, technically, I didn’t try to steal anything. Isn’t that right?

You’re right, Freddy.

If someone actually steals from you... Hmm? [tuts] I mean, the message needs to be loud and clear. Yeah?

Freddy, we’re done here. Come on.

Stay the fuck there!

All right, all right.

I-It’s not enough for justice to be done. Justice needs to be seen to be done. As a warning for those who might suffer the temptations in the future.

Freddy Horniman

If that’s directed at me, I promise you I’m not gonna be tempted in future. I promise you that.

Okay, you keep your eyes open, and you’ll learn a valuable lesson. Oh, hello. Let’s hear what he has to say, yeah? [Toni Blair's hood is pulled off] Yes?

Fuck you. You cocksucking bitch! [laughs and Mercy repeatedly attacks him with machete] Thank you for your attention.