“An Unsympathetic Gentleman” quotes from The Gentlemen

[to tourists] Dorset Hall was bought by the fourth Lord Bassington in 1802 for the princely sum of £3,000. The eighth Lord Bassington still resides here. It’s only with his kind permission that we’re able to visit today. So... follow me. The house is famed for its extensive collection of antiquities, which led Lord Byron to quip that it made the British Museum look like a knickknack shop. Highlights include the priceless collection of ivory chess pieces that date back to the Byzantine era, an ancient Egyptian sarcophagus, and– [thudding is heard] And the, uh, sacred headdress of the Aboriginal tribe known as the Waka Waka. [thudding and gunshots is heard with Smythe appearing on upper floor firing off an MP40 submachine gun]

[naked while chasing tourists out Dorset Hall while firing off MP40 submachine gun out the door] Clear off! I’ll have no lizards in my house! You hear me?ǃ No fucking lizards...ǃ [suffers a heart attack outside]

[on boat out on lake with Jimmy] You know what it is, James? I’m angry. I’ll tell you what really champs my giblets. I should be an asset to them. They should want me around. I’m smart. I’m a smart guy. I’ve got grades. It’s... It blows my mind, man. I screw up one time... maybe a couple, two, three times, all of a sudden, I’m persona non gratis, not wanted, en voyage. It’s... it’s insane. It’s ridiculous, is what it is, James.

Freddy? Just chill out, man.

Maybe I don’t wanna chill out, James. Maybe... maybe I need to get out of here. What do you say? You and me.

I can’t, bruv. I’ve gotta meet someone. Or more like something. Something special.

You know what?

[Freddy lights a dynamite stick] Oh, whoa! What are you doing? Freddy!

I’m staying right here. [throws dynamite stick over shoulder] Oorah!

Sabrina Horniman

Not the stables, darlingǃ They’re of significant historical importanceǃ

Mother, Anne Boleyn didn’t change her horses there on her way to visit Henry VIII. By the time they were built, she’d been a headless corpse for the last 300 years.

Sabrina Horniman

Well, they may have been updated.

It doesn’t matter. I’m not gonna let them expand their operation on the grounds.

Sabrina Horniman

Would you like me to have a word with Susie Glass? You know I can be quite persuasive when I need to be.

No, Mother. I don’t want you getting involved with these people. I’ve seen the effect it’s had on Freddy.

Sabrina Horniman

Yes, and the sooner you get rid of them, the better.

I just need to figure out a way of making them more money with a little less fuss.

Sabrina Horniman

[walks up to Eddie and does up his collar] Now, come on. Nothing like a good funeral to put things in perspective.

[at Smythe's funeral] What’s with the window?

Sabrina Horniman

Oh, it was in his will. Apparently, he wanted to be buried standing up, sticking out of the ground, so he could have a view of the house.

Well, that’s unpleasant.

Sabrina Horniman

Oh, that’s the son there, Max.

Hmm.

Sabrina Horniman

He was one of Freddy’s acting chums from Durham. If you think you’ve seen him before, he did an advert for shampoo that was everywhere. The house, the debts, the financial burden. You two have a lot in common in that respect.

Sabrina Horniman

Come on, Geoff. What have you got up your sleeve?

Geoff Seacombe

What if we could find an alternative venue for their activities?

Sabrina Horniman

I’m sure you’ve been acquainted with Mr. Rokes from Green River Farm next door.

Geoff Seacombe

The sheep farmer? What are you saying?

Sabrina Horniman

Well, sheep need a lot of land to graze. And lamb’s not turning a profit these days.

Geoff Seacombe

He’s broke?

Sabrina Horniman

Mr. Rokes is being investigated for fraud by the Ministry of Agriculture.

Geoff Seacombe

So he’s not just broke. He’s as bent as a barbed wire fence.

Plants are actually a lot more like humans than people tend to think. They breathe. They’re territorial. They communicate with each other.

Gabrielle

How come you know so much about plants?

It’s what I do, I guess. I’m like a botanist.

Gabrielle

Oh, no way. My granddad used to run a nursery. Flowers, not kids.

I like flowers.

Gabrielle

Hmm. I’d love to see your plants one day.

Oh. That’s a bit of a tricky one. Where I work is sort of like a… restricted access area sort of thing. I trust you. It’s just... recently we… we’ve been having a bit of trouble at work. Some of our plants went missing. Oddly enough, it was on the day that we met.

Gabrielle

What? You don’t think I had anything to do with that, do you?

Oh, no, course not.

Gabrielle

Yeah. I mean, what am I gonna steal a load of plants for?

Traditionally, the selection process for a prospective new landlord takes place over a couple of months. We like to give their bums a good old sniff. We don’t just rock up at funerals waving our check books around.

Look, it was a business opportunity that was presented to me. And now I’m presenting it to you. This gives you an alternate venue, an increased capacity, and replaces the existing operation on my estate by the end of the year.

I’m willing to consider expanding the operation to a 12th location, but when you start talking about a bit of blackmail, then it’s all starting to sound deeply problematic.

It’s a loose end that I intend to tie up. Very simply, very easily.

I’m willing to take a face-to-face meeting, but I’m not making any promises, and I don’t want any shenanigans.

No shenanigans.

[at Chinese restaurant] I like to think of myself as a fairly patient man, Frank. But when you start ordering chicken bao buns–

Let me translate. Twelve is vegetable spring rolls. Twenty is confit of pork. Fifty-three is crispy noodle chips, which I’ve ordered twice ’cause I’m quite partial to. And 69 you’ll find isn’t on the menu. For the simple reason that 69 isn’t a dish.

What is it, then?

It’s not a “what.” It’s a “who.” And here he is. [Sandy enters dining area and gets Frank into an headlock]

All right, all rightǃ

It’s all there, every pennyǃ [Sandy throws Frank to floor] Whoa!

Frank, why don’t you explain to the nice man this isn’t his money?

The money in that bag is owed to me. And what’s owed to me belongs to you. Sorry.

[Sandy grabs bag and Eddie grabs Sandy's wrist] Fucker... [calls phone] Hello, Susie. Just checking in to see how you’re doing. Well, it’s not going exactly to plan. [scenes of Eddie fighting Sandy]

So you gave him half a mil, now you’ve got nothing to show for it? Sounds a bit sloppy, if you don’t mind me saying. What’s the name of the guy that lent him the money?

I don’t know. He’s a large Chinese gentleman. She wants to talk to you. [hands Sandy phone]

Can I help you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. All right. When you put it like that, it does have a bearing on the situation. With the greatest respect, Susie, that money’s a longstanding debt that needs to be repaid.

For fuck’s sake.

That’s very decent of you.If you can guarantee my money, I’ll give your man the address. Tell your father I’ll send him some buns. [hands Eddie back phone] You should’ve mentioned Susie Glass. She said she’ll meet you there.

Hello, Susan. [hands over takeout bag] Compliments of the chef.

Enjoying your little sojourn into the murky world of criminality?

Uh... It’s certainly edifying. Shall we?

Let’s. [knocks on Frank's door and Frank's young daughter Alice appears]

You’re not the taxi.

No, we were... We’re looking for your dad. Is he around?

He’s busy packing.

That’s all right, darling. This won’t take long.

[enters Frank's study room] Hello, Francis. You going somewhere?

Um... How did you find me?

Oh, that would be down to your helpful Chinese friend. Now, weren’t you supposed to give us something before you go?

If you can find it amongst all these bags. [to Alice] Your dad’s a bit of a messy pup, isn’t he?

[chuckles] Yeah, Daddy’s a bit of a mess, isn’t he? That’s what Mummy’s always saying. [chuckles] But you’d be surprised what nutrition can be found in other people’s stools. See that one there? That’s a former cabinet minister. Collects illegally smuggled birds’ eggs. This one is a certain children’s TV presenter. Got himself a taste for, uh... [to Alice] You like the breakfast show, don’t you, darling?

Daddy used to be one of the top journalists in the country. Then the oligarchs took over.

Yes, no freedom of the press anymore. You have to answer to the powers that be. And if you don’t follow their narrative, they bury you. But not me.

My daddy’s got integrity.

Oh yeah.

Hmm.

Big plastic bags full of it.

Geoff Seacombe

[at sheep auction] Yeah, there he is. Standing up, front row, the guy to the left.

Sabrina Horniman

What do you think’s my best approach? I mean... I can hardly walk up to the man and ask him if he’d like to house a cannabis farm under one of his barns.

Geoff Seacombe

I know his estate manager. I could always introduce you. But, in my opinion, I think it’s better if you go up and meet him yourself. I mean, he’ll know who you are. I’m sure he’d be susceptible to your powers of... persuasion, ma’am.

Sabrina Horniman

You really think so, Geoff?

Geoff Seacombe

Well, we know he needs the money. And you are very good with people, if you don’t mind me saying so.

Sabrina Horniman

Right, then. Wish me luck.

Geoff Seacombe

Do you need a hand?

I’m fine, Geoff.

Geoff Seacombe

You know you shouldn’t smoke fish with pine, don’t you?

Huh?

Geoff Seacombe

You’re planning on smoking that beautiful carp, but the resin, it poisons the flesh.

Tsk! I can’t do anything right, can I? I mean, Eddie’s off gallivanting around the country pretending to be a gangster. And I’m stuck here, alone, with this... dead fishǃ

Geoff Seacombe

Freddy. It’s a lucky man who’s happy with his place in life.

Gabrielle

[being led through cannabis grow-op] It’s like a secret garden.

I know, right? That’s how I like to see it. It’s like an underground world filled with magical plants that bring nothing but righteousness and can help everyone feel so much better. And it’s all being outlawed by Babylon.

Gabrielle

How many plants you got down here?

Rather not get into those details, to be honest. It’s a bit... a bit sensitive information.

Gabrielle

You worried I’m gonna report you?

No, of course not. It’s just I like to take my professional responsibilities very seriously.

Gabrielle

Me too.

Oh, snap. What kind of work do you do then?

Gabrielle

I’m a consultant. People bring me in when they’ve got a problem, and I help them fix it. A jack of all trades but a master of none is oftentimes better than a master of one.

Wow. You’re so clever. D’you wanna smoke a joint or something? I’ve got loads of different flavors and strains.

Gabrielle

Uh, I don’t smoke. I don’t mind if you do though.

Maybe I’ll just have a cheeky little one. I’m sure there’s one in the ashtray. Just give me two secs.

Gabrielle

Okay.

Be right back.

Gabrielle

You reckon the world would be a better place if everyone smoked weed?

Um... Not necessarily. But it’d definitely make it a lot more calmer.

Gabrielle

You’re gonna need a lot more than this if you’re gonna change the world.

Oh, no. This spot, it’s just one of 12.

Gabrielle

Each one as big as this?

There’s ones even biggerǃ

Gabrielle

That’s a pretty substantial network.

Sure you don’t want a toke?

Gabrielle

Well, since I’m with the king of green, why not? [takes blunt and takes drag]

Sabrina Horniman

My goodness, Edward. You simply reek of formaldehyde. Where on earth have you been? And why are you drinking whiskey first thing in the morning?

The less said about that, the better. But, suffice to say, it’s been, uh… [clears throat] ...a rather long night.

Sabrina Horniman

Oh. Well, whilst you’ve been gadding about doing God knows what, I have been finding solutions to our current predicament. Right. I’ve found a new home for your marijuana plantation.

What?

Sabrina Horniman

It’s Mr. Rokes, darling. From next door. He’s sitting on 2,000 acres that he can’t afford to keep, and he is longing to talk to someone about a long-term lease.

[chuckles] Well, well. You would not believe the things I’ve done in the last 48 hours, Mother. And you come along and... fix it all with a glass of sherry.

[at a pub] I’ve got a lot of time for your mum. Takes good care of herself. Good sense of humor. A little bit eccentric, but who isn’t?

Just a little. So are you gonna talk to my neighbor, then?

I’ll take the meeting. See if it’s appropriate. At least someone did their due diligence.

Despite the, uh, few minor niggles we might’ve come across in the last couple of days, you actually came out on top.

I don’t appreciate being shot at, Edward. In fact, and this may come as a shock to you, given my chosen career path, I actually make a point of avoiding being shot at, at all times. Having said that, I will admit you proved yourself useful in the end.

Jack Glass

[sits at table] Oi, oi, love birds. Don’t mind me.

Hello, mate.

Jack Glass

Fire in the hole. I’ve gotta get this straight, ’cause Blanket was making no sense. According to him, you had a spin on master chef over there and blew up a load of Nazis. With a fucking grenade.

Nazi. Singular.

Jack Glass

Now we have a rare art collection and two farms to set up. I take it all back. Suze, he’s a proper G.

You’re a fucking idiot, Jack.

Jack Glass

[raises glass] To Eddie, the grand duke of getting shit done.

Hmm, no, no, no. I’m not cheersing to that.

All right. Why don’t we cheers to looking in the envelope?

To looking in the envelope.

Jack Glass

Whatever the fuck that means.