Rallo Tubbs quotes from The Cleveland Show

Hee-hee, hah-hah!

Donna

Come on, Rallo. You're up. [Rallo's hair is big] Rallo, you've grown a foot and a half. Young man, it is time I give you another haircut.

Rallo

No offense, Mama. But I'm ready to get a real haircut from someone who qualified to cut hair.

Donna

Oh, so suddenly my master's in cosmetology means nothing.

Rallo

Yeah, suddenly.

Donna

Well, I guess I can't help you with that. Little smart ass.

Donna

Roberta, what's wrong?

What's wrong? Where I am innocently exploit Cleveland's celebirity connection, and the whole time he's just trying to pit me out!

Rallo

[on the intercom] First good idea you had since you showed up in this peace.

What the hell was that?

Donna

It's Rallo. I got him an intercom so he doesn't feel left out.

Rallo

[on the intercom] So how much we gettin' for the girl?

Shut up, Rallo. [turns off the intercom]

Rallo

Hey, that's not my connection to the outside world. I exist! Rallo!

Donna

Cleveland, I think you owe Roberta an apology.

Okay, I'm sorry. Look, maybe I pushed things a little too fast. So let's just slow it down with a nice dinner for you, me, Barry and Larry. B. Shadwell and I already took the liberty of making reservations.

Donna

You're going to that dinner alone. My daughter's not for sale like some Chinese baby.

This is a dream come true.

I'm so excited to pick up Maline.

Well, here she is.

[shows them the bag] No MSG!

Ese no bueno.

[screams] A homeless blanket touched me!

Rallo

Yeah. Toddlers and Tiaras. Five-year-old anorexics forced to get spray tans.

Hey! I was watching whatever that was.

[annoyed] I hope that's a child murderer.

Close enough.

Rallo

I heard what you said downstairs. Heartbreaking stuff, man. It got me thinking about how much you and I have in common.

Really?

Rallo

Mm-hmm. I used to be just like you. Lost. No direction. I was a real troublemaker. Then one day, I pushed things too far. Drew on the wall with a crayon after Momma told me not to.

Oh, no.

Rallo

That was the day my luck ran out. Got put in a time out—10 to 15—mandatory minimum. That's hard time for a kid, time I'll never get back, so I prayed for forgiveness, and Jesus entered my heart and changed my life. It was divine intervention.

You drew on the wall the next day.

Rallo

In the name of the Lord. I'm talking about faith. I believe that the man who created the entire universe knows my name and cares what happens to me. Do you know what that is?

Narcissism?

[after being hit on the head by a tree] And that's the way it is Friday, May 19, 1978...

Donna

Oh, no. He thinks he's Walter Cronkite again!

Rallo

Man, that's some C-BS!

Rallo

But we can't go home now.

You're right. Your mom and Junior will tease the dickens out of us. [looks off camera] Can we say that? Oh, okay. They'll tease the dickens out of us. [bumps into a table] Ow! Right in the dickens!

Rallo

And on this faithful day, by amalgamating the power of electricity, Rallo Tubbs will transform himself into [takes a fork out] Electro-Boy!

Kids, dinner!

Rallo

Coming. [drops the fork, picks up scissors; screams and starts cutting]

Come on, our table's back here. We already had our soup and sent back our first two courses.

Rallo

Ha! Wait, we?

Hi, Rallo. I'm so glad you could join us.

Rallo

Excuse me? What's Wrinkle-Me-Elma doing here? [Murray picks him up and puts him in a booster seat] You said it was just gonna be us.

[pinches and moves Hazel's cheek] You tell that face no.

Rallo

Well, I don't have an old people fetish.

Donna, ya gotta see what I did for the superbowl party! Put some deodorant on and come in here. [spraying is heard] Both arms.

Donna

Cleveland, what on earth is that?

VRP Scarbucks. I'm not sitting down here with you.

Donna

Oh my god! Is that the rapture?

No, rehearsal for the blue angel fly-over. They protect nothing.

Donna

You know, Cleveland. If you didn't spend all our money on your superbowl parties, maybe you can buy me a McMansion. Like that new one across the street. Mmm. [a mansion is across the street from their house] Killers.

Vulgar. It's vulgar, Donna. Do you want to be vulgar? Look, somebody's trying to break into it! [a burglar crawls into the window] Donna, call the police.

Rallo

No, man. You should do it. You sound white on the phone. They actually might come.

You sounded white on the phone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That window. [the policeman pulls out a gun and walks over. Cleveland whispers] Hey, can I hold the gun?

Sure.

How do I look?

Bad ass.

Freeze, dirt bag! [Chonie angrily walks up] Chonie?

Rallo

Roberta...Roberta...Roberta...

Rallo, leave us alone! Go play a video game or somethin'!

Rallo

Cool! If you need me, I'll be warming up some foil in the microwave for no reason.

Rallo

[off-screen] Wa'n' me.

Rallo

Hey, guys. I got a magic trick for you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Get out of here, Rallo! How do you know we weren't doing something prizy.

Rallo

'Cause I don't hear "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang Now think of a number then write it down, and only use this pen and press really hard and then rip it off and don't let me see it. [Cleveland writes down a number, rip the paper off and tries not to let Rallo see it. Rallo then writes a number] Okay, what's your number? 10?

Yeah. Poor Lester. You trick, Rallo. Run along to bed.

Rallo

Hold on, now. You haven't seen the incredible floating cigarette. [he has a cigarette hang from a string and tied to his finger]

Donna

Rallo, where did you get that cigarette?

Rallo

Tobacco Company. Reppler's handing them out at the playground.

[to Donna] Smart. Now go back to bed.

Rallo

One more, one more. [hands out cards] Pick a card, any card.

Jack of clubs. Now go away.

Rallo

Aw, man. [leaves and closes the door]

Donna

What are you so hard on that boy?

STEP-boy.

Rallo

With the Commodores, those cats are out of sight. Ya ding.

Does everyone in this family stuck in the '70s? Can any of you name a single current rapper?

What's a rapper?

Donna

Oh, Cleveland. You are stuck in the '70s. They're the guys who wear the gold chains and go "Whippity-bop, Flippity-bop."

[pretending he has a microphone] Ohh, Donna. That is fresh. Let's have some more of that.

Donna

Whooly-hop, Whooly-hoo. And a woop-a-doo-lo-doo.

Scratch, scratch, sratch. [uses Roberts plate as a record]

Donna

Uh-huh.

Don't give me no job.

Donna

Uh-huh.

Too bad.

Donna

Uh-huh.

Her bad.

Donna

I'm bad.

Well. If we're going on a '70s cruise, I'm gonna go get unwaxed.

Donna, you don't think I'm the whitest black man in America. Do you?

Donna

No, honey. What does that even mean?

Rallo

May I take this? It means you were dancing like a little white girl so you could see a little white boy dance and sing for little white boys, white girls and a rainbow of pedophiles.

I was trying to win those tickets for Junior.

Keep me out of your freak show. [whispers] I really do want to go.

Look at you, you still say things like "Party over here!" and "Too legit to quit!"

Yeah, boyee!

Gross.

Rallo

You're joke.

Donna

Stop teasing Cleveland.

Rallo

Evening suckers. Anybody want to smell my flower?

I do!

Donna

No! No more Rallo'ing, Rallo. Because you do not want to get Donna'ed.

[miserably] Been a while since I got Donna'ed.

Rallo

So, does this mean you might wanna go to State?

State?! That Podunk school? Where I'm goin' is gonna cost WAY more than that.