The Casagrandes quotes

Ronnie Anne

Abuela? You guys ready?

We're just finishing up another batch of masa for the tamales.

Arturo

[takes a sample] Riquisimo, you guys are doing a great job. [Starts taking another sample, Rosa smacks his hand]

[being subtly splattered with masa] Except somebody has trouble keeping the masa in the bowl.

[flings a handful at him] Actually, my aim is quite good.

Mom! Maria masa'd me!

[getting too old for this] It's like they're kids again.

[opens the windows and takes a photo] I love reminiscing! [starts to cry]

[separates her adult siblings] This batch of masa is done and so are you two.

Ronnie Anne

Abuela, we were supposed to be leaving by now.

I can't go anywhere, there's just too many tamales to make. [surprised] Aye, I never thought I'd say that.

I'll stay and help! I said it first! Jinx! You owe me a soda! [start slap fighting]

Enough! I'll need both of you to help.

Arturo

Merry Christmas, people.

Ronnie Anne

This is the best Christmas ever.

I got it! [opens the door, revealing the Louds]

Hola, Mrs. Casagrande. We came to pick up Lori at college, but Vanzilla broke down. Would it be all right if we hung out with you, this Christmas? [he and his family all make big grins on their faces]

We're going to need more masa!

[Nose Gose] Dibs not!

Arturo

[accidentally the last] Dibs not! Chihuahua.

Sid

Ronnie Anne! [Comes through the shelf] My BFF radar just told me that something amazing was happening to you!

Bobby

That's impressive. She just won two VIP tickets to Dairyland.

Sid

[Not knowing about Lincoln] Wow! We're going to Dairyland!!! [Hugging Ronnie Anne] Eeeeeeee!!!

Niños, I need help with the chores while I battle the Flores' toilet. Ronalda, check the menudo. Sergio, Carl, wash the dishes. CJ, mi vida, fold the clothes in the dryer.

Ronnie Anne

But Abuela, the season premiere of "Popular Pranks!" is about to start.

You can watch your shows later. Chores first. [The kids groan in disappointment] And clean up this mess, too.

Yeah, get to it, kids.

Sid

Anything I can do to help?

Ronnie Anne

Not unless you can teach Breakfast Bot how to make menudo.

Sid

I can probably make that happen.

I'm just an actor, okay? None of this is real.

[gasp in shock] Not… real?

Bobby

Not cool, Falcón! He's just kidding, Carl. Carl? [catches him as he faints; to El Falcón, crossly] You call yourself a hero?!

Mi pollito, don't throw that away!

[crumples up the poster and throws it in the bag, filled with his El Falcón merchandise] What's the point? El Falcón's not real. [jumps off of his bed and picks the model piece figure] I've been looking up to a fake this whole time!

Not the 10,000-piece El Falcón model! That took us six months to build!

Six months down the drain! [dumps the model in the bag as it breaks apart] My childhood may as well be over! [walks out of his and CJ's room, dragging the bag]

Aye! This breaks my heart.

Bobby

This is all my fault! If only there was a way to make him believe in El Falcón again. Wait! What if I dress up as El Falcón and convince Carl that he's real?

Ronnie Anne

Doesn't El Falcón have like, powers and super strength?

Bobby

No problem, I'm plenty strong. [flexes his muscles, which then deflate] But to make Carl really believe, I'm gonna need all of your help.

You're playing that zoo pants game again?

It's Fashion Safari, Dad.

Whatever it's called. Every time you play, you get so distracted.

That's so not true.

Carlota, are these the practice tests for your finals on Friday? You haven't started any of them.

That's not true, I wrote my name on this one. [holds up one of them]

It just says, Car.

Oh! A spotted purse!

[annoyed enough] That's it! I'm not letting this game get in the way of your grades! I'm getting one of my students to tutor you.

[standing on the couch, still not listening] Yes!

Great, then it's a date.

[hears that] Wait, what? A date?

Can you keep it down?! I'm trying to relax. Oh, and I borrowed your back scratcher. [holds up Carlota's toothbrush, mistaking it for a back scratcher]

Sergio! That's my toothbrush! [groans] You're so annoying! [gets an idea] Wait a minute, that's it! I'll be the most annoying date ever. Sergio, teach me your ways.

Not enough time, I'll come with. Let me just take out these butt warmers. [turns around, wearing Carlota's headphones on his butt]

Those are my headphones! Oh, yeah, this is gonna work.

Mi amor, we're sitting on a gold mine. We can sell your red tacos in the mercado and make a fortune.

[enters the apartment, naked with bath bubbles covering his body] Hey, Abuelo. I heard tacos and money. I'm in.

[off-screen] Carl, get back in the bathtub!

We don't need a fortune, Hector.

Come on, please?

[sighs] If it's that important to you, we can try, mi amor.

Ronnie Anne

[getting a text on her phone] Whoa, Sameer just texted me that Casey just texted him… that Nikki said your tacos are legit 100!

[not understanding] Aye, they want a hundred tacos?

Ronnie Anne

No, that means really good.

Ah! This is taking forever.

Yeah, customers buying tacos, like, shouldn't have to rake with the produce people.

[whispering to Bobby] She's right.

Bobby

Okay, people, two lines. If you want tacos, move to the right. For mercado items, move to your left.

[stuck in the middle] Ah, no. What if I want both? [looks around and sits down, splitting his pants]

Abuelo? What are you doing?

[wearing an apron, has his hair in a bun, vacuuming] Apparently it's my job to clean the house now.

You've turned into Abuela! [laughs] A bald Abuela! [Hector angrily takes off his chancla and tries to throw it at him, but bounces off the floor and hits him] And you don't have Abuela's aim.

Tonight's forecast… [farts and Lalo gets off him] Works every time.

Alright you two, you're up.

[Squawks] You got it! [He and Sancho take the stroller in Irving’s direction] A lovely day for a stroll. Aw, coochie coochie coo, little baby. [Said baby is a watermelon with a face drawn on; casually pushes the stroller away, pretends to panic] Oh, no! Our baby!

Do not fear! I'll save your baby! [Chases the stroller into the skatepark, where he slips on an unattended board, falls into the pit, and lands with a faceplant on the other side. Carl doesn't see a stroller come from the other direction and does a rail grind, falls into the pit and takes off in the direction Carl was running to, Carl chases after it] Stop! Stop! [Offscreen a kite catches the stroller and carries it the other way] Hey, get back here, kite! That stroller is mine!

[Getting impatient] Jeez, sweetums, where is our baby?

Holy Toledo, that kite saved that baby!