The Casagrandes quotes

What a shift. My vacation could not come at a better time. What happened? You look like you all just ran a marathon.

More like danced a marathon.

I just miss everything, don't I? Ronnie Anne your feet are swollen, you should be elevating them.

Ronnie Anne

Mom, no, I'm fine.

You are not fine. [looks at everyone] In fact, you all look pretty beat up.

I hurt Tía.

I hurt more.

GLUE IT BACK ON! GLUE IT BACK ON! [shows his new haircut; he's bald with hair around his ears much to Frida's horror]

Huh, you look like someone familiar, and guapo.

[hugs his madre] Mom! Carlota made me look like Abuelo! [angrily shakes his fist at Carlota] I'll never forgive you for this!

I'm sorry, I do my own hair every day and I look fabulous. So I just figured… Why would this be any different?

Well guess what… it IS different!

Say what?!

Now that's a twist ending.

I don't understand. CJ cut the bride's hair?

[sighs with guilt] He cut everyone's hair, including yours.

What?

I practiced and practiced, but I couldn't get it right. So… I roped CJ into helping me. He's an absolute hair wizard, even in the dark! Anyway, I'm so sorry for lying to you.

I wish you hadn't, I would have given you more time. You don't have to be good at everything right away, Mi'jita.

Yeah, you're right. I really messed up. I obviously don't deserve this certificate. [gives her back the certificate]

Well, not yet, you don't, but I think I have an idea.

Time to hit the hay. [notices an incubated nest on the roof] Bed on the roof? Don't mind if I do. [dives into the nest] So warm. [shakes his feet and falls asleep, not noticing two eggs in there and start hatching; wakes up the next morning, groggily by little chirps] Where's the snooze button? [hits the two baby egrets on the heads and they bite his wing] OW! What in the world?! [realizes] Sorry. Didn't mean to nest crash. Gotta go. [chuckles as he starts to walk away and the two egret chicks suddenly wrap themselves around his legs] Oh, no, you don't. [shakes them off but they return and start copying his moves] Hey, what's the big idea?

Mama!

Mama!

[aghast in horror] Oh, no, you got the wrong guy!

Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

[backing away to the wall] Nope. Not your mama! Sergio out! [flies through the apartment’s window and closes it behind him] Phew. That was weird.

Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

[squawks in panicked shock seeing they beat him] Leave me alone! [tries to fly away as the baby egrets bounce after him and cling to his leg] ¡Híjole! Get these things off of me! [bumps into the apartment door, flies into the kitchen and bursts out of the windows, as Rosa enters with a bag of groceries] Stop! Back, tiny beasts!

[jump onto Sergio's head] Mama. Mama.

[awed] How darling! Hola, pajaritos.

You like 'em? Take 'em. [pulls the egrets off his leg]

Sergio, those adorable little bebés think you're their mama.

Mama.

Good for them. [starts to fly away]

[grabs Sergio by the tail] Oh, no, you don't. Do you even know where their mama is? They can't survive on their own. Porbrecitos.

I am not their mama! Sergio out! [starts to fly away again, but Rosa grabs him again by the tail with her muscular arm] Hey!

[threatningly] Sergio Casagrande, you will take care of these sweet pajaritos until they can take care of themselves.

I don't take care of anyone but myself. That's how I like it. I'm free as a bird. Ooh, breakfast crackers. [dives in the grocery bag]

[pulls Sergio out of the bag] If you don't take care of them, I don't take care of you. [drops him in the bag]

No snacks? That's just cruel. Fine, let's just get this over with. [One baby egret starts drooling; disgusted] Ew, this one's leaking.

Okay, chicks. Welcome to Sergio's School of Street Smarts.

Mama?

Now pay attention. The sooner you can take care of yourselves, the sooner I get my freedom back. Lesson one, flying.

Ooh. [chirping]

[picks them both up] Just flap your wings. It's easy. You got this, time to take off the training wheels. [lets them go] Whoops.

Lesson two, bird bath. 'Cause you two stink. Get in, lather up. [kicks them into the fountain, adds bubble bath, and they play cheerfully] Okay, pío píos, let's hurry it up. Chop chop. [the egret chicks look at each other for a second and spit water at him] Stop it! Who's washing who here?! [the fountain suddenly starts to rumble as some pigeons fly away; knowing what's happening] Uh-oh. Come on, time to go. Vamanos! [The baby egrets chirp cheerfully as they enjoy the wavy water and get blasted upwards and land in a mud puddle, getting covered in mud] Eh, clean enough. [takes off with them and leaves]

Give me back my toppings! [slips on and falls on the mud puddle] Whoa! [sobbing] MY TOPPINGS!!!

[opens a second trash can that's full of dirty diapers; disgusted] OH! [quickly closes it] Fuchi! Health code violation!

It's good to see you finally being responsible, Sergio.

You bet I am.

Ronnie Anne

[enters with Sid, both catching their breath] There they are! We's been looking all over for those birds!

You mean my birds. I named them, Sergio Jr. and Sergio Jr-Jr.

Sid

Actually, they're African black egret chicks. And their names are Yoon and Kwan.

Ronnie Anne

We left them in the incubator nest last night. But when we came back this morning, they were gone.

Sid

My mom put me in charge of them, 'cause their mama wasn't feeling well. Thank you SO much for taking care of them!

Oh. [starting to tear up] They have a mom that isn't me? [sniffles] Thank goodness.

Sid

You'll be happy to know that she's all better and waiting for them at the zoo.

Oh. [sniffling] Great.

Ronnie Anne

[surprised] Sergio, are you crying?

[wiping his eyes] Tears of joy. I'm finally getting rid of these kids.

A parent never wants to let go. [pulls Carlos out of nowhere, petting his head and kissing him, to his confusion]

[replugs the router] What's the big deal? It's just Spoon Yan!

Sid

It's Yoon Kwan!

Ronnie Anne

And it is a big deal!

Sorry, tickets now sold out.

No!

Sid

[furiously at Sergio, along with Ronnie Anne and Breakfast Bot] He ruined our chance to see 12 is Midnight!

[nervously] What's that, Rosa? Coming! [skedaddles and Breakfast Bot flings a burnt toast at him, hitting him off-screen]

Sup, shredders. [sees Ronnie Anne and Sid bummed out] What's wrong?

Sid

We couldn't score 12 is Midnight tickets. Life as we know it is over! [stuffs her face into her mashed potatoes and pours the gravy over her head]

I might be able to help you guys.

Ronnie Anne

You have two extra tickets?

No, but my dad's food truck is selling Cuban sandwiches at the concert. He could use some extra help. If you don't mind working in the truck, you can see the show.

Anyone in there?

[getting up, along with Casey and Breakfast Bot, all groaning] Cubano? [stuffs a sandwich in Yoon Kwan's mouth]

[eats the sandwich] That's the best sandwich I've ever had!

[takes a mini treasure chest out of the hole] I found something!

[snatches the chest out of CJ's hand] I'll take that!

GET HER!

[takes a piece of foil] This isn't gold, it's just chocolate wrappers.

And the wrappers are coupons. [reading] "Congratulations you found the golden treasure. Here's 30% off for your dining pleasure. Sincerely, Pancho Villa's Tacos."

[enraged] Abuelo, you just let us out on a wild goose chase for coupons?!

Oh yeah, Pancho Villa's Tacos. Now I remember, Rosa and I had our first date there. Ha. I must have saved that message in a bottle as a souvenir.

Stanley

Next stop, disappointment. Chugga chugga boo-hoo.

How are you going to make it up to us, Hector? The least you could do is buy us all some tacos.

"Operation Sitter-be-gone" was a success, and it's a beautiful day for flying!

[noticing the direction they're going] Uh, Mom? The planes are that way.

Oh, you're not here for the planes.

[shocked] What?!

The only reason you're here, is because no one else will watch you. So while we enjoy our flight, you three can sit on that bench and think about what you've done.

Aw, I hate thinking about what I've done. Can we put the bench on the airplane?