The Bill Engvall Show · Season 1
Starting Quarterback? Why didn't he call me at the office and tell me?
Oh, you know Trent. He's not one to get excited about... well, anything. Even I had to hear about it from Tiffy.
Who's Tiffy?
Oh, some pixie-sounding cheerleader who called me "Ma'am." I am twenty years away from being called "Ma'am"!
(shrugs) Yes, Ma'am. (Susan tries to strangle him)
Oh my God! Are we this family now- all about the quarterback?!
Lauren, can't you just be happy for your brother?
(grins) No, no, we can talk about something else-like how Lauren wants to get her belly button pierced.
Why would you wanna do that? The skin membrane is meant to protect us.
(chuckles) Yeah- you are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Why? How is a navel piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here! (points to his face)
How 'bout if I pierce my tongue? Then, no one will know I have it if I don't open my mouth.
Oh, I'm for that!
Lauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth, then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out!
You know, that is a great point, honey! I see these kids at the mall, they look like they ran into a nail gun! I mean, when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
Mom-
Don't look at me- I am trying to figure out what your father was doing at the mall.
All right, all right, all right! You want to argue about this? Then let's argue naked.
(turns around, stares at him incredulously)...What?
Bob says it cuts down on the arguing time.
Bob is a pervert.
I know that! But I think it's worth a shot. (raises an eyebrow at her)
(pause) Fine- okay, sure. Anything to move it along. (She heads upstairs with Bill following. Cut to both of them in the bedroom, obscured but naked)
(as Bill grins at her) So... you're going.
(still grinning) No I'm not.
Yes you are. Blue shirt, blazer, khakis. Chop-chop.
Nope! I'm standing firm. (Susan glances down)
Yeah... not bad for forty-five. Blue shirt. (there is a knock at the door; Susan hastily stands behind Bill, who holds a pillow in front of himself as Lauren comes in)
Hey, Mo-Auggggh! (hastily turns around and slams the door behind her)
...Daddy and I were just... arguing!
(through the door) We haven't even had dinner yet!
You don't think you should do something to smooth things over with Mr. Pratt?
No! Guys don't hold grudges. We say our piece, and move on.
(sarcastically) Guys... keepin' the world mellow.
(jumps as Priscilla slithers across the kitchen floor) SNAKE, SNAKE!! (upstairs, Lauren and Bryan jump) BRYAN, GET DOWN HERE! (Bryan and Lauren rush downstairs) Where is your snake?
In it's terrarium. I caught it just like you said to. Right, Lauren?
Sure, why not?
... 'Cause I thought I saw something.
Maybe you're getting a migraine. Those can be proceeded by hallucinations. [Bill and Susan give each other incredulous looks] Good night, Dad. (Bill pats him on the head as he goes upstairs)
Did Trent work on his paper at all?
He claims he finished it.
(to Bill) You planning to read it over before he hands it in?
If he wants me to. (Susan gives him a look) And, if he doesn't want me to. (starts heading for the stairs)
He needs an "A" on it.
I know.
Make sure it makes sense.
Okay.
Don't let him manipulate you.
(sarcastically) All ri-i-ight! (goes upstairs, Lauren joins her mother in eating leftover pastries)
Why did you guys...choose to have other children after me?
(smiles) 'Cause we were young, and... stupid.
(staring at Priscilla) Hey, Bryan? Those python eggs you're selling...
Yeah?
Where do you keep 'em?
Where do you think?
The refrigerator? I dunno- that's why I'm asking.
Well, Priscilla hasn't opened her ovipositor and squeezed them out yet.
I dunno, bro. Your snake doesn't look any different than it ever looked.
Hmmm...
Hey! Hey, maybe we can hold her up and squeeze her like a tube of toothpaste- (demonstrates with a hockey stick)
No!
Or-or we could get the vacuum cleaner-
I'm gonna get Jeremy to come by for a second opinion!
Basketball pump-
Trent! (holds up his hand, gestures) ...sleep.(Trent walks away)
We... You know, it's not easy, being the dad of a teenage girl these days.(Lauren ignores him) Look, I know you're mad at me-
Yeah! Right again, Dad. (Bill sighs, then holds up her old stuffed rabbit)
(talking in the rabbit's voice) "Hello, Hello!" (Lauren glances up, then rolls her eyes)
Dad-
"Don't be mad- be glad!" (Lauren fights back a smile)
Come on.
You remember when I used to do that, and you'd laugh and laugh? One time you fell down and cut your knee, and you had to have stitches? "Puffy Bunny cheered you right up!"
(curtly) I was four, Dad. (Bill nods and comes closer)
...That was thirteen short years ago. (sits in a chair opposite her) Look, honey- maybe I overreacted with Casey, and for that I am sorry- but I was just trying to protect you.
I'm not upset that you were trying to protect me- that's what you're supposed to do. But, you just made a judgement based on someone's looks.
I- I know. But, I also know that cute can cover a multitude of flaws.
... I'm going to meet boys, Dad. And, before you scare them off, how 'bout you give me the benefit of the doubt- that maybe I have some sense, some good judgement? Because you taught me that. Because you're a good dad. (Bill looks away bashfully)
...Wow. You really make it impossible to argue with that! (holds up Puffy Bunny to himself) "Hear that? You are a good dad!" (smiles at Lauren)
(smiles briefly) If you don't mind, I'd like to sit out here and be mad at you a little longer.
(nods) Okay. (gets up, kisses her forehead) I love you.
I love you too. (Bill starts to go inside) Can you leave Puffy Bunny?
Yeah, sure. (gives her Puffy Bunny, pauses, then takes his coat off and puts it around her shoulders) It's startin' to get a little cool out here.
So, how excited am I gonna be to see the garage?
"Excited" may not be the right word.
(grins) Yeah, it might be exactly the wrong word. An anthonym, if you will. (Bill looks bewildered)
(disgusted) It's antonym.
Oh, right! I was thinking, you know, at the beginning of baseball games- the national anthonym?
Guys- guys! I'll do the talking. (to Bill) We didn't clean the garage, and we're not going to.
(looks quickly at Susan) Excuse me?
This better be a joke.
No! We discussed it, and we decided it's not fair.
Yeah! You're not paying us any money, so what's in it for us?
"What's in it for"- how about a roof over your head?! Food on the table?! (Susan nods) Warm beds?!
We get that stuff anyway. If you want the garage cleaned, you're gonna have to sweeten the deal.
I think you're forgetting who's in charge, here!
That is right! And, you know what, after dinner you three will clean that garage!
Fine- if you pay us. (Bill looks at Susan in disbelief)
This is not a negotiation!
Well, then we're not cleaning it!
We're tired of you guys oppressing us! Until you pay us, we're on strike!
(stunned)... On strike? On strike?! (Trent nods)
Yeah, like the Pullman car workers of 1894. They-
Zip it, Encyclopedia Brown! (Bryan shuts up) You kids think this house is a democracy?! No, uh-uh! I'm in charge!
(gestures to her self) Hey, hey-
(gestures to her) We are in charge!
Other kids' parents don't make them do all their work.
Really? Well, do other kids' parents do this? Gimme your cell phones. (stands up and grabs Lauren and Trent's phones, Lauren and Trent both protest) Hey, you got four bars!
Bill! Focus.
But we're on the same plan- (Susan gesture for him to forget it, Bryan holds out a calculator) Your calculator?
They have to give something up, I will too.
Fine! (takes it)
I already feel naked.
(stares at him) What is goin' on?
I realized that the pantry was still accessible, and no food means no food. (goes to the closet, pauses) Well, not no food- I left some pimento loaf. (turns around) By the way, stop buying that!
(comes over to inspect the bins, removes a light bulb) What are these for?
Light is a privilege too, Susan! If they wanna find that pimento loaf, they'll have to use their sense of smell. Which shouldn't be hard- how old is that stuff?!
Don't you think you're taking this a little bit too far?
Honey, our hold on power in this house is sketchy, at best. If we back down now, that can only lead to us being overthrown, beaten and locked in the basement closet- and you just know what they'll feed us!
(scoffs in exhasperation) I get it- you don't like the pimento loaf! (pause) All right, I'll go along with you on this one. (smiles) Actually, I'm kind of happy with you being the bad guy, for once.
(wags his finger at her) It's about teachin' them a little respect- and I don't care if they don't like me. (turns away, pauses and turns back with a wounded expression) You think they don't like me?
Bryan showed me his racing car- looks fantastic!
Yeah! I thought it turned out pretty well.
You know what it reminds me of? You know that coffee table in the living room we used to have?
(to himself) Here it comes...
You remember, the one you tried to level by cutting the legs shorter and shorter- until we eventually had to throw it away?
Well, it was hard to focus when I had a crazy woman screaming "It's been in my family for over a hundred years!" (gets into bed)
... I'm just curious how such a well-crafted car, came from a man who turned my grandmother's antique coffee table into a serving tray.
... The unconditional support of his loving wife? (Susan shakes her head at him) All right, Paul made it.
And why does Bryan think you did?
Look, he ran in, saw the car, and before I could say a word he jumped to his own conclusions!
So you lied to him.
No, I didn't lie! I just... didn't correct him on his mistaken assumption of the actual truth.
(stares at him) What, are you running for office?!
Okay, fine, I lied! But you have, too.
I have not.
Oh, no? How about when you told Lauren you were on the cheer leading team in high school?
I was!
(sarcastically) Really?
Yes!
Because I believe that doing somersaults in a bird costume falls more into the "mascot" category!
(offended) I was the Lady Falcon- and those were handsprings, mister, which are very hard to do with wings!(Bill gives her a look) Okay, so I lied too! But that doesn't make what you did right.
I know, but you should've seen his face! I was the greatest Dad ever- he hugged me. (Susan looks sympathetic)
Hmm... okay, I get it. (Bill turns out his lamp and lays down to sleep, Susan pokes him in the shoulder) But, just for the record- there were a hundred other girls who would have killed to be the Lady Falcon!
(smirking) Aww, honey, now you're just lying to yourself.
This cereal could kill me!
Well, it's whole-grain, so it's good for your heart. You can tell, 'cause the cartoon camel is wearing a jogging suit.
It contains HXT, a preservative that can cause serious allergic reactions.
What is this all about?
I'm doing a school report on hidden dangers of the home.
Is your breath one of them? (Bill comes downstairs)
Good morning! (grabs the cereal)
Don't let the camel fool you- you're gambling with your life. (Bill gives Susan a puzzled look)
School report- it's the best one yet.
Ah. Hey, is Trent up yet? We're playing basketball this morning.
Haven't seen him.
Well, he better have his game on, 'cause I feel good! (flexes) My bum shoulder's nice and loose, my back doesn't hurt, my knee's not even clicking!
(grins) You must be feeling good- I notice you left your girdle on the bed.
Hey- that's a back brace.
You got it from "cheapgirdles.com"
And right on the box, it says "Back Brace!" (Susan laughs)
Is there some kind of rule that breakfast in this house has to be a freak show? (A.J.enters)
Ah- not 'till now.
What was that?
Uh, it sounded too loud to be fireworks in my bedroom closet, right? (Bill stares at him) I mean, of the many things it could be.
Where did you get fireworks?!
Whoa, where did you get that idea?! (Bill rolls his eyes, Susan and A.J. rush in)
Honey- honey, we have a problem.
Yeah, my camper backfired and it scared your dog- he ran under the neighbor's house.
Oh, God, which neighbor?
If that dog stays down there for long, I'm gonna charge him rent!
Well, if I know Raffles, he's already put down a deposit.
(trying to spy on Trent's Facebook page) Oh, shoot- he's got a password.
Good, 'cause this is a huge invasion of his privacy and I don't want anything to do with it. (turns away)
I'm in.
Wha- already?
Yeah. It's Trent- his password is 1234.
(shakes his head) That kid's head is just a bucket of hair!
Morning. (he sleepily tries to kiss Susan, but she moves and he kisses the pillow) Is it just me, or is your face a little puffy today? What's the matter?
(sharply) Who's Penelope?
What? Penelope- I don't know anybody by that name. Why?
I had a dream last night that you're having an affair with a woman named Penelope!
(sarcastically as he gets up) Oh! Yeah, that Penelope. Yeah, we've been fooling around in other people's sleep for years. You should see us during naps, we're like bunnies!
Stop it, Bill, this is really bothering me!
You're kidding me, right? This thing that happened in a dream?
No, no, no- it wasn't a dream, it was a premonition!
Oh, you know what this reminds me of? A certain horse-race where I was persuaded to bet a hundred dollars on a horse named "Lazy Susan!"
That was a hunch! It wasn't a premonition- there's a difference.
Between first and last place? I'll say! (goes to his closet)
You don't understand! I have only woken up twice in my life with this feeling, and both times my premonition was true!
"And what were they?" He asked, knowing he'll regret it.
Remember Diane Hamilton?
Yeah, your friend with the buck teeth.
She's a brilliant composer.
And in need of an equally brilliant dentist.
The night before her wedding, I had a premonition that her fiancee would leave her at the alter.
Honey, that's not a premonition, that's just common sense! Nobody wants a wife who can build a dam with no tools! (he walks away, Susan follows him looking put-out)
When I was twelve, I dreamt my uncle Max was gonna die- and the next day, boom! He's gone.
And lemme guess! He's ninety-two and on life support.
Mm-Mmm! Forty-five, had a heart attack in a department store. He was testing a mattress- we all thought he just really liked it!
Hey Trent! How was your driving lesson?
(sarcastically) Ask Dad. (Bill staggers into the room clutching his hair)
Sweet Mother of God!
What happened?
Jeff Gordon here about got us creamed by a bus!
That's 'cause you were giving me about ten different directions at once! "Speed up, slow down, go, stop, left, right!"
Yes, and at no point did I say "Close your eyes and floor it!"
I wanna speak to the manager. (Josh holds out a clipboard)
(deadpan) All food complaints require a form- be sure to describe your illness in full, location of cramps, et cetera.
No, no, no, no- I'm not here to complain.
(surprised) Oh! (puts down the clipboard) Welcome to Hot Dog Planet, where our food is out of this world!
... I'm Lauren's dad.
Oh- Blondie.
Look, uh, she says you treated her pretty badly at work yesterday.
(sarcastically) Does this look like a day care center to you? Do you see a jungle gym? Mats for nap-time? No. You know why? It's a business. And you know what this business needs?
A local undercover news investigation? (Josh glares at him)
... We need employees that can give us an edge in this hot dog- eat- hot dog world. And frankly- no pun intended- Lauren isn't cutting the mustard! (laughs maniacally, Bill stares at him) Sorry- we work hard here, but we have a good time.
Well, apparently she didn't have a good time! She says you called her stupid!
Oh, I didn't call her stupid.
Well, I'm glad to hear that-
I called her a moron.
(angry) Hey, nobody calls my daughter a moron!
Look, if Lauren has a problem with how I run things, she's welcome to quit.
Well, maybe if you can't treat her better, she should quit!
Maybe she should!
Fine, then I quit! Argh- I mean, Lauren quits!(starts to leave) Oh, and one more thing. Just because you work in a weenie factory doesn't mean you have to act like a-
(deadpan) Heard it before!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Bill Engvall Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
