A character in The Bill Engvall Show
Played by Nancy Travis
The Bill Engvall Show · 20 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in The Bill Engvall Show: in 14 of its 20 quotes
Most scenes with: Bill Pearson (14), Lauren Pearson (5), Trent Pearson (5)
Starting Quarterback? Why didn't he call me at the office and tell me?
Susan PearsonOh, you know Trent. He's not one to get excited about... well, anything. Even I had to hear about it from Tiffy.
Who's Tiffy?
SusanOh, some pixie-sounding cheerleader who called me "Ma'am." I am twenty years away from being called "Ma'am"!
(shrugs) Yes, Ma'am. (Susan tries to strangle him)
Oh my God! Are we this family now- all about the quarterback?!
SusanLauren, can't you just be happy for your brother?
(grins) No, no, we can talk about something else-like how Lauren wants to get her belly button pierced.
Why would you wanna do that? The skin membrane is meant to protect us.
(chuckles) Yeah- you are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Why? How is a navel piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here! (points to his face)
How 'bout if I pierce my tongue? Then, no one will know I have it if I don't open my mouth.
Oh, I'm for that!
SusanLauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth, then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out!
You know, that is a great point, honey! I see these kids at the mall, they look like they ran into a nail gun! I mean, when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
Mom-
SusanDon't look at me- I am trying to figure out what your father was doing at the mall.
All right, all right, all right! You want to argue about this? Then let's argue naked.
Susan(turns around, stares at him incredulously)...What?
Bob says it cuts down on the arguing time.
SusanBob is a pervert.
I know that! But I think it's worth a shot. (raises an eyebrow at her)
Susan(pause) Fine- okay, sure. Anything to move it along. (She heads upstairs with Bill following. Cut to both of them in the bedroom, obscured but naked)
Susan(as Bill grins at her) So... you're going.
(still grinning) No I'm not.
SusanYes you are. Blue shirt, blazer, khakis. Chop-chop.
Nope! I'm standing firm. (Susan glances down)
SusanYeah... not bad for forty-five. Blue shirt. (there is a knock at the door; Susan hastily stands behind Bill, who holds a pillow in front of himself as Lauren comes in)
Hey, Mo-Auggggh! (hastily turns around and slams the door behind her)
Susan...Daddy and I were just... arguing!
(through the door) We haven't even had dinner yet!
SusanYou don't think you should do something to smooth things over with Mr. Pratt?
No! Guys don't hold grudges. We say our piece, and move on.
Susan(sarcastically) Guys... keepin' the world mellow.
(jumps as Priscilla slithers across the kitchen floor) SNAKE, SNAKE!! (upstairs, Lauren and Bryan jump) BRYAN, GET DOWN HERE! (Bryan and Lauren rush downstairs) Where is your snake?
In it's terrarium. I caught it just like you said to. Right, Lauren?
Sure, why not?
... 'Cause I thought I saw something.
Maybe you're getting a migraine. Those can be proceeded by hallucinations. [Bill and Susan give each other incredulous looks] Good night, Dad. (Bill pats him on the head as he goes upstairs)
SusanDid Trent work on his paper at all?
He claims he finished it.
Susan(to Bill) You planning to read it over before he hands it in?
If he wants me to. (Susan gives him a look) And, if he doesn't want me to. (starts heading for the stairs)
SusanHe needs an "A" on it.
I know.
SusanMake sure it makes sense.
Okay.
SusanDon't let him manipulate you.
(sarcastically) All ri-i-ight! (goes upstairs, Lauren joins her mother in eating leftover pastries)
Why did you guys...choose to have other children after me?
Susan(smiles) 'Cause we were young, and... stupid.
So, how excited am I gonna be to see the garage?
"Excited" may not be the right word.
(grins) Yeah, it might be exactly the wrong word. An anthonym, if you will. (Bill looks bewildered)
(disgusted) It's antonym.
Oh, right! I was thinking, you know, at the beginning of baseball games- the national anthonym?
Guys- guys! I'll do the talking. (to Bill) We didn't clean the garage, and we're not going to.
(looks quickly at Susan) Excuse me?
SusanThis better be a joke.
No! We discussed it, and we decided it's not fair.
Yeah! You're not paying us any money, so what's in it for us?
"What's in it for"- how about a roof over your head?! Food on the table?! (Susan nods) Warm beds?!
We get that stuff anyway. If you want the garage cleaned, you're gonna have to sweeten the deal.
SusanI think you're forgetting who's in charge, here!
That is right! And, you know what, after dinner you three will clean that garage!
Fine- if you pay us. (Bill looks at Susan in disbelief)
SusanThis is not a negotiation!
Well, then we're not cleaning it!
We're tired of you guys oppressing us! Until you pay us, we're on strike!
(stunned)... On strike? On strike?! (Trent nods)
Yeah, like the Pullman car workers of 1894. They-
Zip it, Encyclopedia Brown! (Bryan shuts up) You kids think this house is a democracy?! No, uh-uh! I'm in charge!
Susan(gestures to her self) Hey, hey-
(gestures to her) We are in charge!
Other kids' parents don't make them do all their work.
Really? Well, do other kids' parents do this? Gimme your cell phones. (stands up and grabs Lauren and Trent's phones, Lauren and Trent both protest) Hey, you got four bars!
SusanBill! Focus.
But we're on the same plan- (Susan gesture for him to forget it, Bryan holds out a calculator) Your calculator?
They have to give something up, I will too.
Fine! (takes it)
I already feel naked.
Susan(stares at him) What is goin' on?
I realized that the pantry was still accessible, and no food means no food. (goes to the closet, pauses) Well, not no food- I left some pimento loaf. (turns around) By the way, stop buying that!
Susan(comes over to inspect the bins, removes a light bulb) What are these for?
Light is a privilege too, Susan! If they wanna find that pimento loaf, they'll have to use their sense of smell. Which shouldn't be hard- how old is that stuff?!
SusanDon't you think you're taking this a little bit too far?
Honey, our hold on power in this house is sketchy, at best. If we back down now, that can only lead to us being overthrown, beaten and locked in the basement closet- and you just know what they'll feed us!
Susan(scoffs in exhasperation) I get it- you don't like the pimento loaf! (pause) All right, I'll go along with you on this one. (smiles) Actually, I'm kind of happy with you being the bad guy, for once.
(wags his finger at her) It's about teachin' them a little respect- and I don't care if they don't like me. (turns away, pauses and turns back with a wounded expression) You think they don't like me?
SusanBryan showed me his racing car- looks fantastic!
Yeah! I thought it turned out pretty well.
SusanYou know what it reminds me of? You know that coffee table in the living room we used to have?
(to himself) Here it comes...
SusanYou remember, the one you tried to level by cutting the legs shorter and shorter- until we eventually had to throw it away?
Well, it was hard to focus when I had a crazy woman screaming "It's been in my family for over a hundred years!" (gets into bed)
Susan... I'm just curious how such a well-crafted car, came from a man who turned my grandmother's antique coffee table into a serving tray.
... The unconditional support of his loving wife? (Susan shakes her head at him) All right, Paul made it.
SusanAnd why does Bryan think you did?
Look, he ran in, saw the car, and before I could say a word he jumped to his own conclusions!
SusanSo you lied to him.
No, I didn't lie! I just... didn't correct him on his mistaken assumption of the actual truth.
Susan(stares at him) What, are you running for office?!
Okay, fine, I lied! But you have, too.
SusanI have not.
Oh, no? How about when you told Lauren you were on the cheer leading team in high school?
SusanI was!
(sarcastically) Really?
SusanYes!
Because I believe that doing somersaults in a bird costume falls more into the "mascot" category!
Susan(offended) I was the Lady Falcon- and those were handsprings, mister, which are very hard to do with wings!(Bill gives her a look) Okay, so I lied too! But that doesn't make what you did right.
I know, but you should've seen his face! I was the greatest Dad ever- he hugged me. (Susan looks sympathetic)
SusanHmm... okay, I get it. (Bill turns out his lamp and lays down to sleep, Susan pokes him in the shoulder) But, just for the record- there were a hundred other girls who would have killed to be the Lady Falcon!
(smirking) Aww, honey, now you're just lying to yourself.
This cereal could kill me!
SusanWell, it's whole-grain, so it's good for your heart. You can tell, 'cause the cartoon camel is wearing a jogging suit.
It contains HXT, a preservative that can cause serious allergic reactions.
SusanWhat is this all about?
I'm doing a school report on hidden dangers of the home.
Is your breath one of them? (Bill comes downstairs)
Good morning! (grabs the cereal)
Don't let the camel fool you- you're gambling with your life. (Bill gives Susan a puzzled look)
SusanSchool report- it's the best one yet.
Ah. Hey, is Trent up yet? We're playing basketball this morning.
SusanHaven't seen him.
Well, he better have his game on, 'cause I feel good! (flexes) My bum shoulder's nice and loose, my back doesn't hurt, my knee's not even clicking!
Susan(grins) You must be feeling good- I notice you left your girdle on the bed.
Hey- that's a back brace.
SusanYou got it from "cheapgirdles.com"
And right on the box, it says "Back Brace!" (Susan laughs)
Is there some kind of rule that breakfast in this house has to be a freak show? (A.J.enters)
Ah- not 'till now.
What was that?
Uh, it sounded too loud to be fireworks in my bedroom closet, right? (Bill stares at him) I mean, of the many things it could be.
Where did you get fireworks?!
Whoa, where did you get that idea?! (Bill rolls his eyes, Susan and A.J. rush in)
SusanHoney- honey, we have a problem.
Yeah, my camper backfired and it scared your dog- he ran under the neighbor's house.
Oh, God, which neighbor?
If that dog stays down there for long, I'm gonna charge him rent!
Well, if I know Raffles, he's already put down a deposit.
Susan(trying to spy on Trent's Facebook page) Oh, shoot- he's got a password.
Good, 'cause this is a huge invasion of his privacy and I don't want anything to do with it. (turns away)
SusanI'm in.
Wha- already?
SusanYeah. It's Trent- his password is 1234.
(shakes his head) That kid's head is just a bucket of hair!
Morning. (he sleepily tries to kiss Susan, but she moves and he kisses the pillow) Is it just me, or is your face a little puffy today? What's the matter?
Susan(sharply) Who's Penelope?
What? Penelope- I don't know anybody by that name. Why?
SusanI had a dream last night that you're having an affair with a woman named Penelope!
(sarcastically as he gets up) Oh! Yeah, that Penelope. Yeah, we've been fooling around in other people's sleep for years. You should see us during naps, we're like bunnies!
SusanStop it, Bill, this is really bothering me!
You're kidding me, right? This thing that happened in a dream?
SusanNo, no, no- it wasn't a dream, it was a premonition!
Oh, you know what this reminds me of? A certain horse-race where I was persuaded to bet a hundred dollars on a horse named "Lazy Susan!"
SusanThat was a hunch! It wasn't a premonition- there's a difference.
Between first and last place? I'll say! (goes to his closet)
SusanYou don't understand! I have only woken up twice in my life with this feeling, and both times my premonition was true!
"And what were they?" He asked, knowing he'll regret it.
SusanRemember Diane Hamilton?
Yeah, your friend with the buck teeth.
SusanShe's a brilliant composer.
And in need of an equally brilliant dentist.
SusanThe night before her wedding, I had a premonition that her fiancee would leave her at the alter.
Honey, that's not a premonition, that's just common sense! Nobody wants a wife who can build a dam with no tools! (he walks away, Susan follows him looking put-out)
SusanWhen I was twelve, I dreamt my uncle Max was gonna die- and the next day, boom! He's gone.
And lemme guess! He's ninety-two and on life support.
SusanMm-Mmm! Forty-five, had a heart attack in a department store. He was testing a mattress- we all thought he just really liked it!
SusanHey Trent! How was your driving lesson?
(sarcastically) Ask Dad. (Bill staggers into the room clutching his hair)
Sweet Mother of God!
SusanWhat happened?
Jeff Gordon here about got us creamed by a bus!
That's 'cause you were giving me about ten different directions at once! "Speed up, slow down, go, stop, left, right!"
Yes, and at no point did I say "Close your eyes and floor it!"
SusanTammy told us that her husband Scott got butt implants!
(deadpan) No way.
Susan(nods, laughs) Have you seen his butt lately? You could bounce a quarter off that thing! (goes to open the cupboard)
... Hey, wait a minute- I thought it was game night! You sit around and talk about your husbands? (pause) Did you ever say anything about me?
Susan(pause) Um... not really.
Um... Liar! What'd you say about me?
Susan... I would tell you if I could, but the group has a Cone of Silence. What is shared in the Cone stays in the Cone (starts to exit)
(sarcastically) And I'm guessing Scott's new butt didn't fit in the Cone, did it?
SusanHis butt is no secret- it's like he's smuggling melons back there. (starts to leave)
Whoa, whoa, whoa! So that's it? You're just not gonna tell me?
SusanHoney, it's just a bunch of friends talking! No big deal. (leaves)
Is it about my butt? 'Cause real men have curves, Susan!
(comes inside) You will never guess what I have in my pocket!
Well, let's see- the last time we played this game, it was a pudding cup and some sorta lizard!
(pulls out a $20) Twenty bucks- which means I now have $2,000 in my car fund, and you guys said when I did, you'd match it!
SusanThat's great, Trent!
Yeah! (quietly, to Susan) You said he'd never be able to save that much! (Susan motions him to shut up)
So, can I have the money? I wanna get the car by this weekend.
SusanWhy the big rush?
Oh, I've got this date with Julie Galand, and I need a place to... (he sees his parents staring at him)Uh... No reason. (Bill and Susan look at each other skeptically)
Trent, I'm not just giving you money to go buy a car!
Why?
Because buying a car is a big decision- and before we make it, we need to do the proper research. We gotta go online, do some comparison shopping.
(reaching into his other pocket) Yeah, ok- well, you get on that, I'm gonna go release this lizard into the wild. (heads for the stairs)
SusanBe sure "the wild" isn't your sister's sock drawer. (Trent turns around and heads outside)
You know, we give that boy $4,000, and he could come home with a car- or a handful of magic beans.
Susan(laughs, pats his hand) It's just Trent.
This whole "It's just Trent" thing is fine when he's mounting an engine on his skateboard, but buying a car is a big decision! I just wanna make sure he does it right. (goes to look out the front door)
SusanYou know, Bill, I don't think you give him enough credit.
Really? Look out here. (Susan comes to the door) Somehow, he just got his hair caught in the mailbox.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Bill Engvall Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
