Oh my God! Are we this family now- all about the quarterback?!
Lauren, can't you just be happy for your brother?
(grins) No, no, we can talk about something else-like how Lauren wants to get her belly button pierced.
Bryan PearsonWhy would you wanna do that? The skin membrane is meant to protect us.
(chuckles) Yeah- you are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Why? How is a navel piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here! (points to his face)
How 'bout if I pierce my tongue? Then, no one will know I have it if I don't open my mouth.
Lauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth, then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out!
You know, that is a great point, honey! I see these kids at the mall, they look like they ran into a nail gun! I mean, when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
Don't look at me- I am trying to figure out what your father was doing at the mall.
You don't think you should do something to smooth things over with Mr. Pratt?
No! Guys don't hold grudges. We say our piece, and move on.
(sarcastically) Guys... keepin' the world mellow.
(jumps as Priscilla slithers across the kitchen floor) SNAKE, SNAKE!! (upstairs, Lauren and Bryan jump) BRYAN, GET DOWN HERE! (Bryan and Lauren rush downstairs) Where is your snake?
Bryan
In it's terrarium. I caught it just like you said to. Right, Lauren?
... 'Cause I thought I saw something.
Bryan
Maybe you're getting a migraine. Those can be proceeded by hallucinations. [Bill and Susan give each other incredulous looks] Good night, Dad. (Bill pats him on the head as he goes upstairs)
Did Trent work on his paper at all?
He claims he finished it.
(to Bill) You planning to read it over before he hands it in?
If he wants me to. (Susan gives him a look) And, if he doesn't want me to. (starts heading for the stairs)
Make sure it makes sense.
Don't let him manipulate you.
(sarcastically) All ri-i-ight! (goes upstairs, Lauren joins her mother in eating leftover pastries)
Why did you guys...choose to have other children after me?
(smiles) 'Cause we were young, and... stupid.
(staring at Priscilla) Hey, Bryan? Those python eggs you're selling...
Bryan
Yeah?
Bryan
Where do you think?
The refrigerator? I dunno- that's why I'm asking.
Bryan
Well, Priscilla hasn't opened her ovipositor and squeezed them out yet.
I dunno, bro. Your snake doesn't look any different than it ever looked.
Bryan
Hmmm...
Hey! Hey, maybe we can hold her up and squeeze her like a tube of toothpaste- (demonstrates with a hockey stick)
Bryan
No!
Or-or we could get the vacuum cleaner-
Bryan
I'm gonna get Jeremy to come by for a second opinion!
Bryan
Trent! (holds up his hand, gestures) ...sleep.(Trent walks away)
So, how excited am I gonna be to see the garage?
"Excited" may not be the right word.
(grins) Yeah, it might be exactly the wrong word. An anthonym, if you will. (Bill looks bewildered)
Bryan
(disgusted) It's antonym.
Oh, right! I was thinking, you know, at the beginning of baseball games- the national anthonym?
Guys- guys! I'll do the talking. (to Bill) We didn't clean the garage, and we're not going to.
(looks quickly at Susan) Excuse me?
No! We discussed it, and we decided it's not fair.
Yeah! You're not paying us any money, so what's in it for us?
"What's in it for"- how about a roof over your head?! Food on the table?! (Susan nods) Warm beds?!
We get that stuff anyway. If you want the garage cleaned, you're gonna have to sweeten the deal.
I think you're forgetting who's in charge, here!
That is right! And, you know what, after dinner you three will clean that garage!
Fine- if you pay us. (Bill looks at Susan in disbelief)
This is not a negotiation!
Well, then we're not cleaning it!
Bryan
We're tired of you guys oppressing us! Until you pay us, we're on strike!
(stunned)... On strike? On strike?! (Trent nods)
Bryan
Yeah, like the Pullman car workers of 1894. They-
Zip it, Encyclopedia Brown! (Bryan shuts up) You kids think this house is a democracy?! No, uh-uh! I'm in charge!
(gestures to her self) Hey, hey-
(gestures to her) We are in charge!
Other kids' parents don't make them do all their work.
Really? Well, do other kids' parents do this? Gimme your cell phones. (stands up and grabs Lauren and Trent's phones, Lauren and Trent both protest) Hey, you got four bars!
But we're on the same plan- (Susan gesture for him to forget it, Bryan holds out a calculator) Your calculator?
Bryan
They have to give something up, I will too.
Bryan
I already feel naked.
Bryan
This cereal could kill me!
Well, it's whole-grain, so it's good for your heart. You can tell, 'cause the cartoon camel is wearing a jogging suit.
Bryan
It contains HXT, a preservative that can cause serious allergic reactions.
Bryan
I'm doing a school report on hidden dangers of the home.
Is your breath one of them? (Bill comes downstairs)
Good morning! (grabs the cereal)
Bryan
Don't let the camel fool you- you're gambling with your life. (Bill gives Susan a puzzled look)
School report- it's the best one yet.
Ah. Hey, is Trent up yet? We're playing basketball this morning.
Well, he better have his game on, 'cause I feel good! (flexes) My bum shoulder's nice and loose, my back doesn't hurt, my knee's not even clicking!
(grins) You must be feeling good- I notice you left your girdle on the bed.
Hey- that's a back brace.
You got it from "cheapgirdles.com"
And right on the box, it says "Back Brace!" (Susan laughs)
Is there some kind of rule that breakfast in this house has to be a freak show? (A.J.enters)
Bryan
(sadly) Goodbye Yale- goodbye Berkeley- Goodbye Cornell-
Ugh, Bryan, would you stop?!
Yeah, who are these people you keep saying goodbye to?
Bryan
They're schools, doofus! Schools I probably can't even get into anymore!
Because you got a "B" on a science test?
Bryan
My first "B!" It's gonna stand out on the college applications!
College what, now? (starts eating a bag of Cheetos)
Bryan
(looks scornfully at his older siblings) I wouldn't expect you to know. You're just both run-of-the-mill academic hacks. (Lauren glares at him) Simply average.
(cheerfully) Whoa- average! (walks across to the couch)
For your information, I am not an academic hack. I do well in school.
Bryan
(smirks) Please! You haven't seen an "A" since preschool!
Um, hello? There were two "A's" on my report card last semester.
Bryan
Yeah, the ones in "Lauren" and "Pearson!" (Lauren looks furious, Bryan giggles and looks at his papers) Assuming you spelled "Pearson" right! (Lauren glares at him, then slowly starts to smile)
... Well, I hope you're enjoying this, because that "B" is just the beginning.
Bryan
The beginning of what?
No one's told you? (Bryan shakes his head) All Pearson men start out smart, but around age 12, their brains start to go soft. (glances in Trent's direction) It happened with Trent, and now here you are with your very first "B"- right on schedule!
Bryan
You expect me to believe some lame theory of brain degeneration?
No- because it's science... which you just got a "B" in. (Bryan looks worried)
(having fitted Cheetos between his toes) Check it out!(Bryan and Lauren stare at him, he wiggles his foot in their direction) "Chee-Toes?" (Bryan looks horrified, Lauren pretends to look worried)
... Let's just hope you don't get it that bad.
Bryan
(holding a fish) Trent, check it out- I'm gonna do my own prank on Lauren!
Bryan
Check it out- I'm gonna put this in Lauren's closet- waay in the back, where she'll never find it.
(sarcastically) Wow, that sounds hilarious.
Bryan
No- it's so that she won't know where the smell's coming from. And, by the time she does find it, it'll be all old and stinky and rotten.
Actually, that's pretty good- but, there's a big difference between coming up with it and pulling it off.
Bryan
Oh, I can pull it off!
Bryan, the best prank call you ever made was "Sorry, wrong number!"
Bryan
I so got that guy!
Oh, yeah- Dad was pretty pissed.
Bryan
Whatever. I'm doing this! (enters Lauren's room and starts for her open closet, followed by Trent) Ok! So- here I go! (starts to enter the closet, then pauses)
Bryan
(turns around) What if the smell wrecks her clothes- will Mom and Dad get mad at me?
You can't worry about what might happen- would I have put bleach in Lauren's shampoo if I had known Mom was gonna borrow it? (pause) I'd like to think so, but I can't be sure!
Bryan
(turns towards the closet, pauses, then turns around, defeated) ...I can't. (hands the fish to Trent) You're right- you're the only one who has the guts to do this.
Thank you. (walks into the closet) Now, step aside and let the Master work-
(laughs and high-fives Bryan) Well played, my friend.
Bryan
Thank you!
(rattling the door handle) Hey, what's going on?!
Bryan
(laughing) We got you, that's what's going on!
Guys, this is not cool- you know I freak out in small spaces! Now let me out!
Oh, we'll let you out- just as soon as it stops being funny! (Bryan giggles)
How long have I been in here?! I've lost all concept of time! (pause) Is it tomorrow? Am I missing school?
(chuckles) I could listen to this all day.
Bryan
I think we've earned it. (sits down on the chair)
Is it the future? Are there robots? Who's the President now?
PPaul
What are you doing?
Bryan
Practicing self-defense.
PPaul
Oh, good- I thought you were having a reaction to medication!
Bryan
Hey, Uncle Paul?
Bryan
If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell Dad?
PPaul
Yeah, but I have to warn you- if he gives me the slightest bit of pressure, I will crack like an egg!
Bryan
I need some advice. I'm having a problem with a bully at school.
PPaul
Ooh, Bryan- well, there's only one way to handle a bully. You have to stand up and be a man- and when he's not looking, kick him in the beans.
Bryan
(winces)... I can't do that. (pause) This bully's a girl.
PPaul
(raises eyebrows) Ohhh boy. (sits down) I've been there. My ex-wife used to bully me all the time!
Bryan
How'd you get her to stop?
PPaul
(deadpan) I gave her half my money. (Bryan stares at him incredulously) Well, you know what, actually more, because I'm paying her child support.
Bryan
(confused) You don't have any children.
PPaul
She had a very good lawyer.
Bryan
I don't think money's gonna stop this girl. She's big, she's mean, and for some reason she loves to clobber me.
PPaul
Hmm. Any chance you can outrun her?
Bryan
... Depends on my allergies. (Paul nods hopefully) If there's a high pollen count, I'm dead meat.
PPaul
...Ok. Well, I'll tell you what you do. Next time you see her, just drop to the ground, roll yourself up into a tight ball, and do not release until she is gone.
Bryan
(skeptically) You want me to lie down and take a beating? How's that a plan?
PPaul
Come on, give me a break- you're an asthmatic bull's-eye!
The Bill Engvall Show · 20 quotes
