Oh my God! Are we this family now- all about the quarterback?!
Lauren, can't you just be happy for your brother?
Trent Pearson(grins) No, no, we can talk about something else-like how Lauren wants to get her belly button pierced.
Why would you wanna do that? The skin membrane is meant to protect us.
(chuckles) Yeah- you are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Why? How is a navel piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here! (points to his face)
How 'bout if I pierce my tongue? Then, no one will know I have it if I don't open my mouth.
Trent
Oh, I'm for that!
Lauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth, then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out!
You know, that is a great point, honey! I see these kids at the mall, they look like they ran into a nail gun! I mean, when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
Don't look at me- I am trying to figure out what your father was doing at the mall.
Trent
(staring at Priscilla) Hey, Bryan? Those python eggs you're selling...
Trent
Where do you keep 'em?
Trent
The refrigerator? I dunno- that's why I'm asking.
Well, Priscilla hasn't opened her ovipositor and squeezed them out yet.
Trent
I dunno, bro. Your snake doesn't look any different than it ever looked.
Trent
Hey! Hey, maybe we can hold her up and squeeze her like a tube of toothpaste- (demonstrates with a hockey stick)
Trent
Or-or we could get the vacuum cleaner-
I'm gonna get Jeremy to come by for a second opinion!
Trent
Basketball pump-
Trent! (holds up his hand, gestures) ...sleep.(Trent walks away)
So, how excited am I gonna be to see the garage?
"Excited" may not be the right word.
Trent
(grins) Yeah, it might be exactly the wrong word. An anthonym, if you will. (Bill looks bewildered)
(disgusted) It's antonym.
Trent
Oh, right! I was thinking, you know, at the beginning of baseball games- the national anthonym?
Guys- guys! I'll do the talking. (to Bill) We didn't clean the garage, and we're not going to.
(looks quickly at Susan) Excuse me?
No! We discussed it, and we decided it's not fair.
Trent
Yeah! You're not paying us any money, so what's in it for us?
"What's in it for"- how about a roof over your head?! Food on the table?! (Susan nods) Warm beds?!
We get that stuff anyway. If you want the garage cleaned, you're gonna have to sweeten the deal.
I think you're forgetting who's in charge, here!
That is right! And, you know what, after dinner you three will clean that garage!
Fine- if you pay us. (Bill looks at Susan in disbelief)
This is not a negotiation!
Trent
Well, then we're not cleaning it!
We're tired of you guys oppressing us! Until you pay us, we're on strike!
(stunned)... On strike? On strike?! (Trent nods)
Yeah, like the Pullman car workers of 1894. They-
Zip it, Encyclopedia Brown! (Bryan shuts up) You kids think this house is a democracy?! No, uh-uh! I'm in charge!
(gestures to her self) Hey, hey-
(gestures to her) We are in charge!
Trent
Other kids' parents don't make them do all their work.
Really? Well, do other kids' parents do this? Gimme your cell phones. (stands up and grabs Lauren and Trent's phones, Lauren and Trent both protest) Hey, you got four bars!
But we're on the same plan- (Susan gesture for him to forget it, Bryan holds out a calculator) Your calculator?
They have to give something up, I will too.
Trent
Uh, it sounded too loud to be fireworks in my bedroom closet, right? (Bill stares at him) I mean, of the many things it could be.
Where did you get fireworks?!
Trent
Whoa, where did you get that idea?! (Bill rolls his eyes, Susan and A.J. rush in)
Honey- honey, we have a problem.
JA.J
Yeah, my camper backfired and it scared your dog- he ran under the neighbor's house.
FMr. Faulkner
If that dog stays down there for long, I'm gonna charge him rent!
Well, if I know Raffles, he's already put down a deposit.
Hey Trent! How was your driving lesson?
Trent
(sarcastically) Ask Dad. (Bill staggers into the room clutching his hair)
Jeff Gordon here about got us creamed by a bus!
Trent
That's 'cause you were giving me about ten different directions at once! "Speed up, slow down, go, stop, left, right!"
Yes, and at no point did I say "Close your eyes and floor it!"
(sadly) Goodbye Yale- goodbye Berkeley- Goodbye Cornell-
Ugh, Bryan, would you stop?!
Trent
Yeah, who are these people you keep saying goodbye to?
They're schools, doofus! Schools I probably can't even get into anymore!
Because you got a "B" on a science test?
My first "B!" It's gonna stand out on the college applications!
Trent
College what, now? (starts eating a bag of Cheetos)
(looks scornfully at his older siblings) I wouldn't expect you to know. You're just both run-of-the-mill academic hacks. (Lauren glares at him) Simply average.
Trent
(cheerfully) Whoa- average! (walks across to the couch)
For your information, I am not an academic hack. I do well in school.
(smirks) Please! You haven't seen an "A" since preschool!
Um, hello? There were two "A's" on my report card last semester.
Yeah, the ones in "Lauren" and "Pearson!" (Lauren looks furious, Bryan giggles and looks at his papers) Assuming you spelled "Pearson" right! (Lauren glares at him, then slowly starts to smile)
... Well, I hope you're enjoying this, because that "B" is just the beginning.
No one's told you? (Bryan shakes his head) All Pearson men start out smart, but around age 12, their brains start to go soft. (glances in Trent's direction) It happened with Trent, and now here you are with your very first "B"- right on schedule!
You expect me to believe some lame theory of brain degeneration?
No- because it's science... which you just got a "B" in. (Bryan looks worried)
Trent
(having fitted Cheetos between his toes) Check it out!(Bryan and Lauren stare at him, he wiggles his foot in their direction) "Chee-Toes?" (Bryan looks horrified, Lauren pretends to look worried)
... Let's just hope you don't get it that bad.
(holding a fish) Trent, check it out- I'm gonna do my own prank on Lauren!
Trent
Bryan, please.
Check it out- I'm gonna put this in Lauren's closet- waay in the back, where she'll never find it.
Trent
(sarcastically) Wow, that sounds hilarious.
No- it's so that she won't know where the smell's coming from. And, by the time she does find it, it'll be all old and stinky and rotten.
Trent
Actually, that's pretty good- but, there's a big difference between coming up with it and pulling it off.
Trent
Bryan, the best prank call you ever made was "Sorry, wrong number!"
Trent
Oh, yeah- Dad was pretty pissed.
Whatever. I'm doing this! (enters Lauren's room and starts for her open closet, followed by Trent) Ok! So- here I go! (starts to enter the closet, then pauses)
Trent
Uh- you're not moving!
(turns around) What if the smell wrecks her clothes- will Mom and Dad get mad at me?
Trent
You can't worry about what might happen- would I have put bleach in Lauren's shampoo if I had known Mom was gonna borrow it? (pause) I'd like to think so, but I can't be sure!
(turns towards the closet, pauses, then turns around, defeated) ...I can't. (hands the fish to Trent) You're right- you're the only one who has the guts to do this.
Trent
Thank you. (walks into the closet) Now, step aside and let the Master work-
Trent
(inside the closet) Hey!
(laughs and high-fives Bryan) Well played, my friend.
Trent
(rattling the door handle) Hey, what's going on?!
(laughing) We got you, that's what's going on!
Trent
Guys, this is not cool- you know I freak out in small spaces! Now let me out!
Oh, we'll let you out- just as soon as it stops being funny! (Bryan giggles)
Trent
How long have I been in here?! I've lost all concept of time! (pause) Is it tomorrow? Am I missing school?
(chuckles) I could listen to this all day.
I think we've earned it. (sits down on the chair)
Trent
Is it the future? Are there robots? Who's the President now?
Trent
I knew it!
Trent
(comes inside) You will never guess what I have in my pocket!
Well, let's see- the last time we played this game, it was a pudding cup and some sorta lizard!
Trent
(pulls out a $20) Twenty bucks- which means I now have $2,000 in my car fund, and you guys said when I did, you'd match it!
Yeah! (quietly, to Susan) You said he'd never be able to save that much! (Susan motions him to shut up)
Trent
So, can I have the money? I wanna get the car by this weekend.
Trent
Oh, I've got this date with Julie Galand, and I need a place to... (he sees his parents staring at him)Uh... No reason. (Bill and Susan look at each other skeptically)
Trent, I'm not just giving you money to go buy a car!
Trent
Why?
Because buying a car is a big decision- and before we make it, we need to do the proper research. We gotta go online, do some comparison shopping.
Trent
(reaching into his other pocket) Yeah, ok- well, you get on that, I'm gonna go release this lizard into the wild. (heads for the stairs)
Be sure "the wild" isn't your sister's sock drawer. (Trent turns around and heads outside)
You know, we give that boy $4,000, and he could come home with a car- or a handful of magic beans.
(laughs, pats his hand) It's just Trent.
This whole "It's just Trent" thing is fine when he's mounting an engine on his skateboard, but buying a car is a big decision! I just wanna make sure he does it right. (goes to look out the front door)
You know, Bill, I don't think you give him enough credit.
Really? Look out here. (Susan comes to the door) Somehow, he just got his hair caught in the mailbox.
The Bill Engvall Show · 20 quotes
