Lauren PearsonOh my God! Are we this family now- all about the quarterback?!
Lauren, can't you just be happy for your brother?
(grins) No, no, we can talk about something else-like how Lauren wants to get her belly button pierced.
Why would you wanna do that? The skin membrane is meant to protect us.
(chuckles) Yeah- you are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.
Lauren
Why? How is a navel piercing any different than an ear piercing?
Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here! (points to his face)
Lauren
How 'bout if I pierce my tongue? Then, no one will know I have it if I don't open my mouth.
Lauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth, then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out!
You know, that is a great point, honey! I see these kids at the mall, they look like they ran into a nail gun! I mean, when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
Lauren
Mom-
Don't look at me- I am trying to figure out what your father was doing at the mall.
All right, all right, all right! You want to argue about this? Then let's argue naked.
(turns around, stares at him incredulously)...What?
Bob says it cuts down on the arguing time.
I know that! But I think it's worth a shot. (raises an eyebrow at her)
(pause) Fine- okay, sure. Anything to move it along. (She heads upstairs with Bill following. Cut to both of them in the bedroom, obscured but naked)
(as Bill grins at her) So... you're going.
(still grinning) No I'm not.
Yes you are. Blue shirt, blazer, khakis. Chop-chop.
Nope! I'm standing firm. (Susan glances down)
Yeah... not bad for forty-five. Blue shirt. (there is a knock at the door; Susan hastily stands behind Bill, who holds a pillow in front of himself as Lauren comes in)
Lauren
Hey, Mo-Auggggh! (hastily turns around and slams the door behind her)
...Daddy and I were just... arguing!
Lauren
(through the door) We haven't even had dinner yet!
You don't think you should do something to smooth things over with Mr. Pratt?
No! Guys don't hold grudges. We say our piece, and move on.
(sarcastically) Guys... keepin' the world mellow.
(jumps as Priscilla slithers across the kitchen floor) SNAKE, SNAKE!! (upstairs, Lauren and Bryan jump) BRYAN, GET DOWN HERE! (Bryan and Lauren rush downstairs) Where is your snake?
In it's terrarium. I caught it just like you said to. Right, Lauren?
Lauren
Sure, why not?
... 'Cause I thought I saw something.
Maybe you're getting a migraine. Those can be proceeded by hallucinations. [Bill and Susan give each other incredulous looks] Good night, Dad. (Bill pats him on the head as he goes upstairs)
Did Trent work on his paper at all?
Lauren
He claims he finished it.
(to Bill) You planning to read it over before he hands it in?
If he wants me to. (Susan gives him a look) And, if he doesn't want me to. (starts heading for the stairs)
Make sure it makes sense.
Don't let him manipulate you.
(sarcastically) All ri-i-ight! (goes upstairs, Lauren joins her mother in eating leftover pastries)
Lauren
Why did you guys...choose to have other children after me?
(smiles) 'Cause we were young, and... stupid.
We... You know, it's not easy, being the dad of a teenage girl these days.(Lauren ignores him) Look, I know you're mad at me-
Lauren
Yeah! Right again, Dad. (Bill sighs, then holds up her old stuffed rabbit)
(talking in the rabbit's voice) "Hello, Hello!" (Lauren glances up, then rolls her eyes)
Lauren
Dad-
"Don't be mad- be glad!" (Lauren fights back a smile)
Lauren
Come on.
You remember when I used to do that, and you'd laugh and laugh? One time you fell down and cut your knee, and you had to have stitches? "Puffy Bunny cheered you right up!"
Lauren
(curtly) I was four, Dad. (Bill nods and comes closer)
...That was thirteen short years ago. (sits in a chair opposite her) Look, honey- maybe I overreacted with Casey, and for that I am sorry- but I was just trying to protect you.
Lauren
I'm not upset that you were trying to protect me- that's what you're supposed to do. But, you just made a judgement based on someone's looks.
I- I know. But, I also know that cute can cover a multitude of flaws.
Lauren
... I'm going to meet boys, Dad. And, before you scare them off, how 'bout you give me the benefit of the doubt- that maybe I have some sense, some good judgement? Because you taught me that. Because you're a good dad. (Bill looks away bashfully)
...Wow. You really make it impossible to argue with that! (holds up Puffy Bunny to himself) "Hear that? You are a good dad!" (smiles at Lauren)
Lauren
(smiles briefly) If you don't mind, I'd like to sit out here and be mad at you a little longer.
(nods) Okay. (gets up, kisses her forehead) I love you.
Lauren
I love you too. (Bill starts to go inside) Can you leave Puffy Bunny?
Yeah, sure. (gives her Puffy Bunny, pauses, then takes his coat off and puts it around her shoulders) It's startin' to get a little cool out here.
So, how excited am I gonna be to see the garage?
Lauren
"Excited" may not be the right word.
(grins) Yeah, it might be exactly the wrong word. An anthonym, if you will. (Bill looks bewildered)
(disgusted) It's antonym.
Oh, right! I was thinking, you know, at the beginning of baseball games- the national anthonym?
Lauren
Guys- guys! I'll do the talking. (to Bill) We didn't clean the garage, and we're not going to.
(looks quickly at Susan) Excuse me?
Lauren
No! We discussed it, and we decided it's not fair.
Yeah! You're not paying us any money, so what's in it for us?
"What's in it for"- how about a roof over your head?! Food on the table?! (Susan nods) Warm beds?!
Lauren
We get that stuff anyway. If you want the garage cleaned, you're gonna have to sweeten the deal.
I think you're forgetting who's in charge, here!
That is right! And, you know what, after dinner you three will clean that garage!
Lauren
Fine- if you pay us. (Bill looks at Susan in disbelief)
This is not a negotiation!
Well, then we're not cleaning it!
We're tired of you guys oppressing us! Until you pay us, we're on strike!
(stunned)... On strike? On strike?! (Trent nods)
Yeah, like the Pullman car workers of 1894. They-
Zip it, Encyclopedia Brown! (Bryan shuts up) You kids think this house is a democracy?! No, uh-uh! I'm in charge!
(gestures to her self) Hey, hey-
(gestures to her) We are in charge!
Other kids' parents don't make them do all their work.
Really? Well, do other kids' parents do this? Gimme your cell phones. (stands up and grabs Lauren and Trent's phones, Lauren and Trent both protest) Hey, you got four bars!
But we're on the same plan- (Susan gesture for him to forget it, Bryan holds out a calculator) Your calculator?
They have to give something up, I will too.
This cereal could kill me!
Well, it's whole-grain, so it's good for your heart. You can tell, 'cause the cartoon camel is wearing a jogging suit.
It contains HXT, a preservative that can cause serious allergic reactions.
I'm doing a school report on hidden dangers of the home.
Lauren
Is your breath one of them? (Bill comes downstairs)
Good morning! (grabs the cereal)
Don't let the camel fool you- you're gambling with your life. (Bill gives Susan a puzzled look)
School report- it's the best one yet.
Ah. Hey, is Trent up yet? We're playing basketball this morning.
Well, he better have his game on, 'cause I feel good! (flexes) My bum shoulder's nice and loose, my back doesn't hurt, my knee's not even clicking!
(grins) You must be feeling good- I notice you left your girdle on the bed.
Hey- that's a back brace.
You got it from "cheapgirdles.com"
And right on the box, it says "Back Brace!" (Susan laughs)
Lauren
Is there some kind of rule that breakfast in this house has to be a freak show? (A.J.enters)
(sadly) Goodbye Yale- goodbye Berkeley- Goodbye Cornell-
Lauren
Ugh, Bryan, would you stop?!
Yeah, who are these people you keep saying goodbye to?
They're schools, doofus! Schools I probably can't even get into anymore!
Lauren
Because you got a "B" on a science test?
My first "B!" It's gonna stand out on the college applications!
College what, now? (starts eating a bag of Cheetos)
(looks scornfully at his older siblings) I wouldn't expect you to know. You're just both run-of-the-mill academic hacks. (Lauren glares at him) Simply average.
Lauren
(angrily) Whoa- average?
(cheerfully) Whoa- average! (walks across to the couch)
Lauren
For your information, I am not an academic hack. I do well in school.
(smirks) Please! You haven't seen an "A" since preschool!
Lauren
Um, hello? There were two "A's" on my report card last semester.
Yeah, the ones in "Lauren" and "Pearson!" (Lauren looks furious, Bryan giggles and looks at his papers) Assuming you spelled "Pearson" right! (Lauren glares at him, then slowly starts to smile)
Lauren
... Well, I hope you're enjoying this, because that "B" is just the beginning.
Lauren
No one's told you? (Bryan shakes his head) All Pearson men start out smart, but around age 12, their brains start to go soft. (glances in Trent's direction) It happened with Trent, and now here you are with your very first "B"- right on schedule!
You expect me to believe some lame theory of brain degeneration?
Lauren
No- because it's science... which you just got a "B" in. (Bryan looks worried)
(having fitted Cheetos between his toes) Check it out!(Bryan and Lauren stare at him, he wiggles his foot in their direction) "Chee-Toes?" (Bryan looks horrified, Lauren pretends to look worried)
Lauren
... Let's just hope you don't get it that bad.
(holding a fish) Trent, check it out- I'm gonna do my own prank on Lauren!
Check it out- I'm gonna put this in Lauren's closet- waay in the back, where she'll never find it.
(sarcastically) Wow, that sounds hilarious.
No- it's so that she won't know where the smell's coming from. And, by the time she does find it, it'll be all old and stinky and rotten.
Actually, that's pretty good- but, there's a big difference between coming up with it and pulling it off.
Bryan, the best prank call you ever made was "Sorry, wrong number!"
Oh, yeah- Dad was pretty pissed.
Whatever. I'm doing this! (enters Lauren's room and starts for her open closet, followed by Trent) Ok! So- here I go! (starts to enter the closet, then pauses)
(turns around) What if the smell wrecks her clothes- will Mom and Dad get mad at me?
You can't worry about what might happen- would I have put bleach in Lauren's shampoo if I had known Mom was gonna borrow it? (pause) I'd like to think so, but I can't be sure!
(turns towards the closet, pauses, then turns around, defeated) ...I can't. (hands the fish to Trent) You're right- you're the only one who has the guts to do this.
Thank you. (walks into the closet) Now, step aside and let the Master work-
Lauren
(laughs and high-fives Bryan) Well played, my friend.
(rattling the door handle) Hey, what's going on?!
(laughing) We got you, that's what's going on!
Guys, this is not cool- you know I freak out in small spaces! Now let me out!
Lauren
Oh, we'll let you out- just as soon as it stops being funny! (Bryan giggles)
How long have I been in here?! I've lost all concept of time! (pause) Is it tomorrow? Am I missing school?
Lauren
(chuckles) I could listen to this all day.
I think we've earned it. (sits down on the chair)
Is it the future? Are there robots? Who's the President now?
Lauren
Ryan Seacrest.
The Bill Engvall Show · 20 quotes
