Amy Farrah Fowler quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

[in pain] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Amy

What happened?

Sheldon

I tried to let go of anger, and threw a rock into my foot.

Leonard

Then, he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.

Penny

What?! [notices the tissue in Leonard's nostril] And what happened to you?!

Leonard

Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose! It's fine!

Amy

Sheldon, you're being a little selfish. Why don't you let Leonard keep a few things?

Sheldon

It's not my fault I'm bad at sharing; I skipped kindergarten.

Amy

What is this?

Sheldon

A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I'd be ripped.

Amy

I love it. Thank you.

Sheldon

And it's not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

Amy

What's wrong?

Sheldon

I'm not sure. Earlier tonight things began organically and now it's feeling forced... like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

Penny

So did you wind up sending that machine back?

Sheldon

I did. You know, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

Bernadette

[enters the apartment] I finally got Halley to sleep.

You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.

Amy

It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.

Penny

Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

Leonard

We can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

Sheldon

Yeah, all right. Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?

Bernadette

Let's see... You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.

Sheldon

[turns to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies, she's good.

Amy

[Enters apartment with her harp] I like harp lessons, but I'm thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. [Puts down her keys and closes the door] What are you working on?

Sheldon

I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen interpretation.

Amy

Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses?

Sheldon

It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two-sevenths of the rainbow.

Amy

Sheldon, this is really interesting.

Sheldon

Yeah and this one won't stain my teeth purple.

Amy

Incredible! Sheldon, I didn't expect that you could work on both projects, but I was wrong.

Sheldon

You know, I felt the same way about the spork? Solids and liquids handled by one utensil, that'll never work. Spoiler? Works.

Leonard

Gotta admit, we didn't think you'd be able to do two things at once.

Sheldon

You know, I felt the same way about the platypus. Bird and mammal in the same creature, no way! Spoiler? Way.

Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?

Sheldon

Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.

Really?

Amy

Relax. We're the same blood type, he knew he could harvest an organ.

Amy

I'm sorry I called you a quitter.

Sheldon

It's okay. I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

Amy

[over Skype] I gave you one job! Keep an eye on him. How hard is that?

Penny

We thought you meant not letting him run out into traffic.

Bernadette

Which he only did once.

Amy

Why didn't you tell me?

Bernadette

We didn't want you to worry.

Amy

Should I worry?

Penny

No. Come on, it's Sheldon. Nothing is gonna happen.

Amy

That's what you said to me when I started dating him. And then five years later, bingo-bango, something happened.

Bernadette

Yeah, but you're gonna be back in three months.

Amy

You don't get it. I've been smacking that ketchup bottle for a long time. All she's got to do is tip it over and point it at her fries.

Penny

Well, what do you want us to do?

Amy

I don't know. Might be the New Jersey talking, but this Nowitzki broad needs to disappear.

Bernadette

That's ridiculous. As far as we know, all that happened is two scientists had lunch.

Amy

Yeah, but one of those scientists is a tall, blonde Olympic swimmer.

Penny

Come on, looks don't matter to Sheldon. [pause] Because he only has eyes for you!

Amy

Nice try.

Penny

Thanks, I was scrambling.

Sheldon

Will you marry me? [his phone rings] One moment, please.

Amy

[incredulous] Really? You're gonna answer that right now?

Sheldon

It's Leonard. I don't want to be rude.

Leonard

Hey, where you been? We've been calling you for hours.

Sheldon

Oh, I'm sorry. My phone was on "airplane" mode.

Leonard

Why?

Sheldon

Because I was on an airplane. [gives Amy a "duh" look]

Penny

Hey, where are you?

Sheldon

I came to Princeton to see Amy. It's a funny story, actually. I was having lunch with Dr. Nowitzki, and she kissed me.

Penny

Excuse me?

Leonard

What?

Sheldon

And in that moment, I realized that Amy was the only woman I ever wanted to kiss for the rest of my life. So I came to New Jersey to ask her to marry me.

Sheldon

Mother, I have some good news to share.

Amy

[giddily] We're engaged!

Mary

I am so happy for you two, but I'm not surprised. I've been praying for this.

Sheldon

Well, God had nothing to do with it. It happened because I was kissing another woman, and it made me realize I wanted to be with Amy.

Mary

More than one woman was interested in you? I might have prayed a little too hard.

Sheldon

I want to let you know right now that we are not getting married in a church.

Mary

That's all right, Sheldon. Anywhere Jesus is is a church.

Sheldon

Well, he won't be at our wedding.

Mary

He's in my heart, so if I'm there, he'll be there.

Sheldon

Okay, well, then he's your plus-one. You don't get to bring anyone else.

Mary

That's fine. Love you.

Sheldon

Love you, too. Bye.

Mary

[they hang up] Lord, thank you. Even though you can do anything, that was mighty impressive.

Howard

It's a date. Just pick one.

Sheldon

It's not just a date, it's a textbook optimization problem. There is a perfect date, just like there's a perfect room temperature and a perfect dessert.

Penny

There's no perfect dessert.

Sheldon

Yellow cake in the shape of a dinosaur with chocolate frosting, scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, not touching. You'll see. You'll have it at our wedding.

Amy

You wanna bet?

Sheldon

That's me?

Amy

It's you.

Sheldon

So you spied on me in my sleep?

Amy

Sheldon, I'm sorry. You've been doing this every night. I couldn't help but wonder if it meant something.

Sheldon

Well, it doesn't.

Amy

Are you sure? I mean, the prefrontal cortex regulates impulse control. So it's plausible that when we're asleep, aspects of our personality that we repress might come out.

Sheldon

Don't try to put science lipstick on your New Age pig! And for the record, you make noises when you sleep, and I've never accused you of repressing your inner chainsaw! [storms out of the apartment]

Leonard

If you want me to object at your wedding, just give me one of these. [taps the side of his nose]

Oh, come on. You can't really be disappointed [about having a baby boy].

Howard

Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself. Now I have to teach someone?

Sheldon

As the saying goes, "Those who can't do, teach."

Amy

Don't you want a little version of Howard?

Bernadette

I already have a little version of Howard.

Howard

Heck, now I'm having a son. I'll have to teach him how to play sports, and watch sports, and-and-and-and-and...

[to Leonard] He just ran out of "Man Things", he's in trouble.