Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you: What size shoe do you wear?

Leonard

Why?

Sheldon

I'm trying to take more of an interest in other people's lives.

Leonard

That's nice. I wear a size eight-and-a-half.

Sheldon

[chuckles] That's small. [turn the corner] So tell me do you have any plans for the weekend?

Leonard

Are you gonna laugh at the answer?

Sheldon

Only if the answer is "shopping for baby shoes".

Leonard

So, you're gonna throw me under the bus?

Penny

I'm gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal.

Sheldon

Guys, it sounds like you're getting angry again.

Leonard

That's because we are.

Sheldon

YES! I don't need an emotion machine! I AM ONE!

Penny

So did you wind up sending that machine back?

Sheldon

I did. You know, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

Bernadette

[enters the apartment] I finally got Halley to sleep.

You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.

Amy

It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.

Penny

Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

Leonard

We can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

Sheldon

Yeah, all right. Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?

Bernadette

Let's see... You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.

Sheldon

[turns to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies, she's good.

Howard

How'd you even get that up the stairs?

Sheldon

I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn't.

How bad is it?

Sheldon

Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?

Are you serious?

Sheldon

I'm not wearing this visor to play women's golf.

Sheldon

I spoke with Leonard's mother, and she made me feel better.

Leonard

I don't know who you talked to, but that wasn't my mother.

Sheldon

Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.

Howard

Unless it was singing "Be Our Guest," I doubt it.

Amy

[Enters apartment with her harp] I like harp lessons, but I'm thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. [Puts down her keys and closes the door] What are you working on?

Sheldon

I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen interpretation.

Amy

Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses?

Sheldon

It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two-sevenths of the rainbow.

Amy

Sheldon, this is really interesting.

Sheldon

Yeah and this one won't stain my teeth purple.

Amy

Incredible! Sheldon, I didn't expect that you could work on both projects, but I was wrong.

Sheldon

You know, I felt the same way about the spork? Solids and liquids handled by one utensil, that'll never work. Spoiler? Works.

Leonard

Gotta admit, we didn't think you'd be able to do two things at once.

Sheldon

You know, I felt the same way about the platypus. Bird and mammal in the same creature, no way! Spoiler? Way.

Penny

Are you getting sick?

Sheldon

Of course not! I'm too busy to be sick.

Penny

Well, you're pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn't be pushing yourself so hard.

Sheldon

I'm fine!

Penny

Alright, well, we'll just pretend that you didn't catch a cold watching Frozen.

Sheldon

That didn't happen.

Penny

You also got a nose bleed watching Up.

Sheldon

Do your laundry!

Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?

Sheldon

Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.

Really?

Amy

Relax. We're the same blood type, he knew he could harvest an organ.

Amy

I'm sorry I called you a quitter.

Sheldon

It's okay. I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

Sheldon

Wait, so you're just gonna take all the work we've done for the last year and toss us aside?

That one I can tell you. Yes.

Howard

Well, this is all very upsetting.

I'm sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people's feelings.

Sheldon

Wait, if that's sarcasm, please save it for our enemies!

Sheldon

[looks around the empty room] The Air Force did it again! They're erasing our lives!

Leonard

[looks at the door] Third floor. Wrong apartment.

Howard

Although, if anyone would clean out your apartment and disappear, it'd be Penny.

Leonard

She might disappear, but she's definitely not cleaning anything.

Penny

Okay let's try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.

Sheldon

I already do.

Penny

Well, then you get it.

Sheldon

[realizing] Oh! Because there's only one of me, I'm more valuable.

Penny

Right!

Sheldon

Although, Amy's already taken me out of my package and played with me.

Penny

.... Let's forget the toy thing, okay?