Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Leonard

You know, if you're not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.

Sheldon

Bruce Wayne doesn't wear a clip-on.

Leonard

Bruce Wayne doesn't make his roommate tie it for him.

Sheldon

His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.

Amy

Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say, but before I do, I just... I want you to know that you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates...

Sheldon

I love you, too.

Amy

You said it.

Sheldon

There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.

Amy

This is an easy one. You love this guy.

Sheldon

Me!

Amy

C'mon, he's an under-appreciated genius...

Sheldon

Still think it's me.

Amy

It's not you. Now think! There's a car named after him.

Sheldon

Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, 'cause it's me.

Amy

How about this? He's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon

Oh, Tesla.

Leonard

Buddy, I get that you're worried about me and I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die.

Sheldon

You don't know that.

Leonard

Well... I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike.

Sheldon

You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

Sheldon

I'd like to take a moment to personally thank Doctor Amy Farah-Fowler, who you may know or not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner related internet entertainment show.

Amy

[to the camera] Take that glass ceiling.

Bernadette

[Was singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" when Sheldon turns off the radio] Why did you turn it off?

Sheldon

Because in the last ten minutes, Santa Claus came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I have a drunk uncle who did all those things and no one sings songs about him.

Bernadette

Well, maybe it would help if you thought of him as a superhero whose superpower is bringing joy to children.

Sheldon

My uncle did that too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

Leonard

Bad news. There's no signal.

Sheldon

Well, there were plenty of things to do before cell phones. I'll look them up. [Pulls out phone before realizing] Son of a biscuit!

Leonard

Just let it go.

Sheldon

What kind of store doesn't have wifi? I'm calling their corporate offices - Son of a biscuit!

Sheldon

I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a test, it gets rewarded with a food pellet.

Amy

It also gets its brain plucked out with a tweezer.

Sheldon

And its last meal is a food pellet? You're a monster

Leonard

[shouting above the noise, but he'd be shouting regardless] What is going on!?

Sheldon

Oh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I'm using Darth Vader, The Joker and Godzilla's roar to keep me in that sweet spot. I tried including Taylor Swift into the mix, but it turns out I love her!

Leonard

A-at least listen to it through headphones, I'm trying to sleep. Goodnight!

Sheldon

Boy... [stops the audio to put his headphones in] Taylor was right. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.

Sheldon

I've never thought I'd ever get the chance to give you this. Good job. [Puts a sticker on Leonard's shirt]

Leonard

You're giving me a sticker?

Sheldon

Not just a sticker. It has a kitten that says "Me-wow!"

Leonard

I'm not a kindergartner.

Sheldon

All right, I'll take it back.

Leonard

Hey, I earned this, back off!

I hate how mean everyone is on the internet.

Howard

The anonimity makes people feel they can say things they'd never say to someone's face.

Sheldon

That's funny. I never have any trouble saying what I think to someone's face.

Leonard

I can't believe they did that.

Penny

I know, it's so insulting. At one point, they had me figure out how to get a banana out of a puzzle box!

Leonard

Wait... Sheldon gave me a banana in a puzzle box. He was testing me too!

Penny

Unbelievable.

Leonard

And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.

Penny

Really? You couldn't get it out?

Amy

Wow, the store looks great -

Leonard

So you were testing us both? What is the matter with you?

Penny

What's the matter with them is they think they're so smart, they don't care if they hurt other people's feelings!

Amy

That isn't true!

Sheldon

[concurrently] That sounds like us. [Amy looks at him in irritation] I still don't understand why you're upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.

Amy

Well, except Barnabus, but he was on Adderall.

Howard

...I'm sorry, but it's making me crazy.

Bernadette

Can you please just let it go?

Sheldon

Ooh, I can help you with that. Imagine you're holding an ordinary pen - while your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.

Howard

Hold that thought. [goes off to answer it in the next room] Hello?

Amy

[To Leonard and Penny] How can I make this up to you?

Penny

[angrily putting both fists together] The answer is in this puzzle box, let's see if you can open it!

Bernadette

You could have at least warned him about the furniture.

That's what I said when we moved it!

Bernadette

You helped him!?

[sarcastically] No. Stuart picked up those three pillows all on his own.

Leonard

Hey, you okay?

Howard

[in a dazed voice] No...

Leonard

What's wrong?

Howard

...My mom died.

Bernadette

What!?

Howard

That was my aunt. Ma took a nap and... She never woke up.

Bernadette

[beginning to cry] Oh my God, Howie...

Leonard

I'm so sorry.

What can we do?

Howard

I don't know...

Sheldon

May I say something?

Leonard

[sadly] Not right now, Sheldon.

Sheldon

But I think it would be comforting.

Leonard

Buddy -

Howard

It's okay... [looks up at him] What?

Sheldon

When I lost my own father, I didn't have any friends to help me through it. You do.

Penny

[breaking down] I really thought he was gonna say "let it go."

Penny

Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Sheldon

Hmm. Living or dead?

Penny

Just says "anyone in the world." Guess that means living.

Sheldon

Oh, that's just as well. As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals, and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know! The person I'd most like to have dinner with is myself.

Penny

You sure that's your choice? 'Cause I've had that dinner.

Sheldon

Well, I haven't. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don't see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?

Penny

Robert Downey Jr.

Sheldon

You... Oh! I didn't think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert

Leonard

Why a turtle?

Sheldon

After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.

Amy

For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.

Sheldon

And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.