Frantic quotes from The Awesomes

Frantic

It's like they're cool-looking versions of us.

Concierge

Not cool: evil! They're evil versions of us. And I'll add, evil version of me looks kind of whorish.

Impresario

That's a pretty great coat, though.

Concierge

Figures evil me would have style. I bet she has boyfriends instead of cats, too.

Muscleman

So which Earth is this? Earth 2?

Concierge

No, it's opposites. Which means this is Earth 4. Earth 2 is where everybody is really fat.

Frantic

What's Earth 3?

Concierge

Earth 3 is run by apes.

Gadget Gal

I thought Earth 3 was Nazis.

Concierge

It was, then the apes went to war with the Nazis and took over.

Impresario

Way to go, apes!

Muscleman

I would have really liked to see the Nazi-ape war.

Muscleman

Ah, that was fun.

Prock

Fun?

Muscleman

Well, technically, it was awful. But I'm going to say it was fun because we're on opposite Earth. I think it's important to try and fit in.

Impresario

Ooh, I like that. I mean, I hate that.

Concierge

You guys are geniuses. i.e,. idiots.

Prock

Everyone, stop talking.

Tim

Don't you mean, "nobody start being quiet"?

Prock

Arrgh.

Frantic

The correct expression is, "Yay!"

Frantic

Holy crap! He looks just like Tom Boy, your arch-enemy who's a lesbian and totally in love with you except on this Earth, he's a crazy hot dude.

Gadget Gal

Mama gives Earth 4 a perfect 10.

Handy Man

Say there, sister. Would you be insulted if a fella would...?

Gadget Gal

Make passionate love to me over by the sanitary sewer overflow juncture? I'd be honored.

Tim

I wish I hadn't heard any of that.

Frantic

My cousin used to make patterns in the cornfield with a tractor. He said he was sending signals to alien lifeforms.

Muscleman

That's crazy.

Frantic

What's crazy is how he died.

Muscleman

Aliens?

Frantic

No, the horse he was having sex with fell on him.

Prock

But I'm not crazy.

Impresario

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, baby.

Frantic

Nope, it's also a stripper my daddy used to let sleep over. Ohh, Mary Ann Denial. You are likely dead.

But ask yourselves, which one amongst you hasn't given us a secret we can tell? Which one among you is safe to reveal their true selves?

Concierge

My accent hides it, but I'm a stone-cold bitch.

Impresario

I don't love my mamma. Enough.

Frantic

I'm severely mentally ill.

Perfect Man

I worry that I might be too perfect.

I collect glass elephants. And murder hobos.

I only became a general because I watched General Hospital.

Concierge

If you can describe the alien, I can cross-check the database and find their home planet.

Prock

Hmm, how best to describe it?

Gadget Gal

I would say it had a... healthy face, with a buxom overtone.

Frantic

To use the parlance of cows, I would say there was an udder quality.

Tim

It looked like the magazines under my dad's bed.

Impresario

Ah, just say it. It had tits for eyes.

Concierge

Gleeborian.

Tim

That's a funny name.

Concierge

It's a Syrenthian word.

Tim

What does it mean?

Concierge

"Tits for eyes."

Impresario

In the future, Muscleman, don't ask about the escape plan in front of those you are endeavoring to escape from!

Muscleman

Knew it as soon as I said it.

Frantic

If it makes you feel any better, we didn't have a plan.

Muscleman

That does make me feel a little better.

Frantic

Yeah! Think outside the box! Think outside the box! Everybody!

Think outside the box! Think outside the box!

Prock

Guys! What did I say about group chants?

We don't have to do it every time Frantic starts one.

Prock

Thank you.

Frantic

I'm Frantic, pretty much the fastest man alive and currently the most popular member of the Awesomes. And this lovely lady is Gadget Gal.

Gadget Gal

I'm here because he told me there would be pudding.

Frantic

You will get this pudding when this is over! Now smile and be TV-friendly for once.

Frantic

One of tonight's most anticipated moments is a musical tribute to the heroes of the 1980s. I'm joined now by two of that decade's most effective heroes, Shoulderpad Jones and the Stockbroker. I bet you two can't wait to reconnect with all the other heroes from your era.

I just like to reconnect with some cocaine.

Prock

These boxes are going to the White House. So are we.

Impresario

Oh, I am not traveling in a box.

Prock

It's the only way.

Impresario

Well, put me down as fussy about that.

Frantic

And put me down as excited. When I was young, my parents often made me sleep in a box. One time, they even buried it.

Prock

You can't just put on a suit and start saving people.

Concierge

So you're upset he stopped those criminals?

Prock

"Alleged" criminals. That's the problem with these vigilantes. They jump to conclusions when we don't even have all the facts.

Tim

They were pointing a gun at her.

Impresario

And one of them said, "Don't mess with me. I'm a criminal."

Prock

Until we have all the facts, we just don't know.

Frantic

Yeah, maybe she's the one who was attacking them.

Prock

Exactly.

Frantic

Or maybe it didn't even happen, and we're not even watching the news, and it's just tiny people putting on a play inside our TV.

Prock

Well, no, it's not that. It's never that.

Muscleman

(talking about Catalina Island) Why tie yourself down?

Prock

Because I have a girlfriend.

Frantic

Yes, but what happens in C.I. stays in C.I. Oh, wait. No, that was before they got sued by Las Vegas. No, I'm sorry, Prock. If you want to cheat on your girlfriend, what happens in C.I. is fair game to mention in all other locations.

Prock

No one calls it C.I.

Frantic

I do.