The Apprentice quotes

(the first-ever task briefing)

Sir Alan Sugar: Okay folks, in this factory over 3 million newspapers are going to be printed in a short period of time. By about 5 o'clock tomorrow night, they're all going to be sold. What these people have learned over the years is get it sold quickly and don't have any inventory left over. Now I can see you're all smartly dressed up suited and booted, maybe because you think you've heard the word "the financial times" and you've had something in your mind grander than what I've got in mind for you. Well, it's not very grand, it's not a city job, I'm gonna take you back to the grass roots where I started. You're going out in the streets tomorrow and you're gonna be selling something. A similar commodity to these newspapers: Flowers. They're also worthless the day afterwards. I'm gonna give each team £500, and you're gonna buy £500 worth of flowers, and then you're gonna get out in the street and start selling them. Nick is gonna be following the girls' team; Margaret, the boys team and the team that sells the most and has the most money at the end of the day is gonna win. And in the team that loses, one of you is gonna get fired.

Margaret Mountford: What's demeaning about stocking an area of a shop and selling?

Adele Lock: I haven't got a problem with that, I do that all the time, I'm a retailer. I have got personal emotional problems that's happening in my life, I'm sorry, this isn't for me. I'm going to leave today, so Sir Alan I'd like to make your job a lot easier, and Tim I'd like to make your job a lot easier. I'm going to leave it at that.

Sir Alan Sugar: You know, it's an easy way out, Adele...

Adele Lock: No, it's not an easy way out, Sir Alan.

Sir Alan Sugar: It is. Look, Adele, I've been around a long time. You're a shrewd lady. Thank you for your little speech just now, but I wanna tell you this. Despite what Tim might have come up with today, you was going to go. You read it right, and the reason you was gonna go was because you took no notice of what I said outside the shop. I told you to be respectful to people, you have a problem being respectful to people, and I hope that you can contain that problem in the rest of your business life. I wish you well, I'm sorry about the problems you may have with your family and your emotions and all that stuff. It's a shame that it's gone this way. [to the rest of the team] You lot are dead lucky, that's all I can say to you.

Adele Lock: *Outside the boardroom* Cheeky bastard.

Matthew Palmer: (laughs) That's irrelevant. We couldn't have kept on that streak while some of our team were being-

Paul Torrisi: Give a woman a position of power and they go fucking doolally. All of a sudden they think they're Adolf flamin' Hitler.

Saira Khan: (normal vocie) Well they are. They've got (posh voice) Sebastian who talks very terribly posh and they've got, oh James, who knows everybody in London. (Normal voice)Oh, yea- he must have gone through the list and gone (higher posh voice) Oh. Victoria Daid had them round for tea the other day and the person who had gone the Goldman's Sachs and my mother's related to him. (slowly going back to normal) And oh-ladi plum. (back to normal voice) And they've got Miriam who plays the piano and Miss Artistic...

Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you didn't.

Raj Dhonota: Tell him a friggin' joke man! What's the matter with you?

Paul Torrisi: Okay. An aardvark walked into a pub, and the barman said, "Why the long face?"

Raj Dhonota: I dunno.

Paul Torrisi: Well... that's the joke. An aardvark has a long face.

Raj Dhonota: Oh.

Sir Alan Sugar: Yeah? Well, I'm Jewish and I couldn't care less.