The Nerd(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the "SwordQuest" contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of Jack Tramiel, who had bought Atari after the infamous video game crash of 1983) Somebody's gotta find out. The real SwordQuest is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword must be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!
The Nerd
(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy) Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! [playing one of the game programmers] Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. [he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table] Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! [he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer] Next game.
The Nerd
[playing the 29th game] Uh, "Slashers"? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of Double Dragon. Saying that is being extremely generous.
The Nerd
And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!
The Nerd
Number 36, "Storm over the Desert." Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. [a giant Saddam Hussein runs across the screen] What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?
The Nerd
[after playing 51 of the 52 games] I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one good game, as opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. [drinks Rolling Rock] Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. [begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]
The Nerd
[replaying Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! [watches the numbers] Oh, I'm going too fast! [watches the screen] [the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window] Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?
The Nerd
[voiceover] And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when you hit him, it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
The Nerd
[voiceover] Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why wouldn't I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to hold down the button, and only that way can you beat him.
[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, "Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End."]
The Nerd
[voiceover] I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. [a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]
The Nerd
But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
The Nerd
[voiceover] The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. "No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different." Do they think we're idiots?
The Nerd
Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. "It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!" Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
The Nerd
Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no Guitar Hero or Rock Band. Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look anything like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear Earth Angel or Johnny B. Goode? [notices music from the game] Okay, wait a minute. It is Johnny B. Goode on crack. [4 seconds later] If they can make the DuckTales theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
The Nerd
Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's Back to the Future NES. No special ending, nothing. [The music from the game continues playing] Fuck that music.
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
