The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

The Nerd

It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word "random" and "appear"? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!

The Nerd

But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?! You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

The Nerd

It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some Winter Games. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with "Happy Holidays", then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

The Nerd

[horrible 8-bit background music] How do you like that music? Listen. [commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event] Exquisite. [sarcastically] Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

The Nerd

[playing the Figure Skating event] I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ever in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about Winter Games is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's Winter Games? You ever play Winter Games? Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing Winter Games! [footage of The Wizard is shown] You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing Winter Games. Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

The Nerd

THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!! [reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)] "Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble." [proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against] Like that? [places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt] BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!

The Nerd

I'd say this is the hardest trilogy on the NES. Even harder than Castlevania. I'm gonna focus on the first Ninja Gaiden. It's been over 20 years, and I still can't beat this son of a bitch.

The Nerd

This is impossible! How am I supposed to beat this?!

The Nerd

Nunchaku-fuck!

The Nerd

You know, the whole fucking trilogy's impossible. The first game sends you back, the second has the stage hazards, and the third one has game overs. So, it's like pick your poison! Well, I got my poison right here.

The Nerd

(commenting on Atari's promotion of the "SwordQuest" series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari) Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your SwordQuest T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your SwordQuest video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

The Nerd

(playing the "Earthworld" installment) Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

The Nerd

Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. (Picks up the book and opens up the page) Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- [Reveals a hidden word] Wow. (He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues) There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

The Nerd

(playing the "Fireworld" installment) What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.