The NerdWell, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... some relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! [throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]
The Nerd
[voiceover] When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. [Marty cannot unlock a door] I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.
The Nerd
[voiceover] Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. [The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them] "Purple for Putrid Gameplay", "blue for Bad Musical Abominations", "Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic", "Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material", "Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'", and "Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism". Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. [sarcastically] Hooray, LJN.
The Nerd
[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis] Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
The Nerd
You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. [Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears] Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
The Nerd
Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, [yells] FUCK! [Doc Brown gets knocked off horse] [exclaims] You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
The Nerd
[voiceover] It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
The Nerd
From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
The Nerd
[moans] Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]
The Nerd
[voiceover] Fuck-fuck-fuck-UNGH-UNGH-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-ungh-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUCK!!! FUCK! [gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.] Daaamn!! [he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]
The Nerd
[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES] A good Back to the Future game? Somebody made a good Back to the Future game...and it was only in Japan? [suddenly gets angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?! We get THESE shitty games, but not THAT one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn Back to the Future game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed "Fuck it!"-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!", they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. [sarcastically] Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.
The Nerd
Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: "Guess what?" Because you know it's never a good thing. [sighs] But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.
[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]
The Nerd
In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: DO NOT PLAY this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. [The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.] I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... [shakes his head in disgust] ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said anything, it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a fuck on it. But my own fuck would have been offended to lay on this loathsome piece of filth. Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ever laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are insufficient in describing the total insult to humanity that this "game" has provided. Everything that I've ever said, and anything that anybody else has ever said, is not enough. It must be shown. [He drinks more Rolling Rock]
The Nerd
When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a horrible concoction!
The Nerd
I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
The Nerd
And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
The Nerd
No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the unconscious.
The Nerd
Or, you could just say, "THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS."
The Nerd
I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of Star Wars games.The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. [plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600] This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.
The Nerd
[Playing the Japanese Famicom Star Wars, the Nerd fights Darth Vader inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.] Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to Luke, "I am your father, and I am also, a fucking scorpion!" No! It's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?! That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is no version of Star Wars, in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]...a fucking scorpion.
The Nerd
OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets Han Solo. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? [a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar] It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says "Over my dead body.", BOOM! All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see that in the next Special Edition.
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
