The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!

The Nerd

(after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit! Actually, there was some purpose, theoretically, it was meant to reduce cost. The Deck Enhancer contains most of the necessary chips that could make a regular NES game work. So, the Aladdin games could be smaller and cheaper. The mentality was that you'd invest a Deck Enhancer, and then build up your collection for a low price. Well, no thank you, I think I'll just stick to my regular, unlicensed, third-party, crappy Camerica games. Oh, but of course there was that one exclusive game: Dizzy the Adventurer. Does that one make it worth it? (Dizzy jumps in and falls into the water as he dies in the game while the word says "Splash") No. It doesn't.

The Nerd

(given the PS1 Pepsiman game) Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like Cool Spot. (Cool Spot is turned into Pepsiman) Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play Chester Cheetah! (Chester Cheetah is turned into Pepsiman) Aw! Well how 'bout uh... Big Bumpin? (Big Bumpin' is turned into Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... Kool-Aid Man? (Kool-Aid Man is turned into Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play Pepsiman! (Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly) Okay, Jeez! I'll play Pepsiman!

The Nerd

Time to do a super game. (shows the cartridge of the Nintendo 64 game) Super Mario 64. (A heat vision zaps the cartridge away as the camera reveals the antennae-gold Superman 64 cartridge.) No! That's right, it's back. (shows footage from his Superman 64 review) I already played this game, I already showed you how bad it is, but it gets worse. Much worse. First, a little background. I've complained already they should've used the Superman Theme, you know, by John Williams. But I didn't know at the time, this was based on Superman: The Animated Series. It was the second in what's often called the Timmverse, or DC Animated Universe, which consisted of the highly acclaimed Batman: The Animated Series, The New Batman Adventures, Batman Beyond, Static Shock, The Zeta Project, which absolutely no one remembers, then finally, Justice League and Justice League Unlimited, with a few features sprinkled here and there. Superman: The Animated Series helped bring a lot of the mythology from the comics to a whole new audience. Characters who were often excluded from previous TV or film incarnations finally got more attention, and have since gained popularity and shown up in other shows and movies. It was regarded as a great series, so it's surprising it led to one of the worst games ever made. Alright, enough of the history lesson. Let's get on with this shit. So, here's an interesting detail I missed before: The story of the game is that Lex Luthor has hidden Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen and Emil Hamilton in his virtual world. That's right, this entire video game takes place inside... a video game. You'd think a genius like Lex Luthor would use his ability to create anything in a virtual world, and come up with some crazy obstacles or enemies for Superman to face. So what did he decide on? You know. Rings. (Superman flies over to the last bit of rings and then screen cuts to black.) Yeah. Not messing around this time.

The Nerd

Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! [a shot of Superman's face from Justice League, which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache] Second-ugliest.

The Nerd

You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So you have to backtrack or restart.

The Nerd

If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying "Shadow Guy"!

The Nerd

[after the final boss battle] You want to know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead, we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! [the antennae-gold Superman 64 cartridge growls, the Nerd looks at it and the cartridge zaps lasers from Superman's eyes and the Nerd dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and the Superman 64 cartridge zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.] NO-O-O-O-O!! Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! [takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and cries out in agony.]

The Nerd

Oh, hey, you're back, again. You wanna play some more shitty games? You know what? I just woke up. I just woke up! Can I just have my healthy, balanced breakfast?! [he pours out the cereal and a CD falls out] What the hell? [picks up a CD from the cereal] Chex Quest? A game? Inside a cereal box? I swear, if a Chex Man comes out and starts turning all my games into Chex, I'm gonna lose it! I just got rid of all that Pepsi left over from that silver son of a bitch! But man, this takes me back.

The Nerd

I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.

The Nerd

Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.

The Nerd

Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

The Nerd

And if you're not convinced, if a family-friendly first-person shooter isn't really your thing, if you need some carnage and mayhem, if you don't wanna send the Flemoids back to their dimension, you wanna send them to fucking hell?! Well, I got the game for you. Motherfucking BRUTAL CHEX QUEST!!!!! That's right! With GZDoom, you get access to a bunch of awesome mods, one of them being the Brutal Doom mod, which also works on Chex Quest. Play through the entirety of all three Chex Quest games, but get rid of those pussy Zorchers! Lay waste to the Flemoids! Make sure they can never come back to Cereal dimension, because they're fucking dead! [shouts] FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! This basically takes all the family-friendliness out of the game, and makes Chex Man the fucking Chex Hitman! Chex "The Hitman" Hart! So after you get your fill of the original Chex Quest, pop in Brutal Chex Quest, and murder the shit outta some Flemoids! I don't know what a Flemoid is, but I fucking killed their ass! And when you play a game as brutal as Brutal Chex Quest, what you need is a brutal cereal to go with it!

The Nerd

BRUTAL CHEX! It's Chex... on steroids! ILLEEEGAL steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God and Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD POURING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH! (50 free hours of America Online included.)

The Nerd

This game sucks my ass with the Shop-Vac! It rivals torture devices like the rack, the pendulum, and the iron fuckin' maiden! And if I ever have to play this shit again, I'll cut my fuckin' hands off! I'd rather be waterboarded with week old diarrhea! I'd rather deliberately give myself splinters on my scrotum and then tear them out with my teeth! I'd rather snort a line of piss-caked cat litter than ever let this game soil my Super Nintendo again! Fuck every single thing about this game, and fuck everyone who made it! Fuck everyone who played it too, like myself! Dennis the Menace?! More like DEN-ASS THE MEN-ASS!