The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! [growls] Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the Ninja Turtles.

The Nerd

C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! [grunts] Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not FUCKIN' AROUND HERE! [growls] I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!

The Nerd

Ooh, the mask is off now. Now it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... [grunts] ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!

The Nerd

[shocked and happy] I did it! I did it, I won! I beat Predator! Oh, man. Ooh, boy. [exhales and reads text] "Congratulations. You have survived." [deep sigh] Barely! [throws the NES controller.]

The Nerd

It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying "Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!" and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

The Nerd

Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you could go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

The Nerd

Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually use their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! [he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts] What I don't understand is why everything is always "bowl". What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING, it doesn't make any sense!

The Nerd

Alright. Back to football video games. Madden, Madden, Madden. Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003-- Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?! He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs! [screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]

The Nerd

[sighs in relief] Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this Madden shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom BOMB, one compound word, it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' FOOTBALL! [growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600] And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. [chuckles] In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! [scores a touchdown] TOUCHDOWN! [he screams hysterically and tackles the camera]

The Nerd

What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? [Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.] That's how.

The Nerd

So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! [the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls] This game treats you like an idiot. Like, "Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill & Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!"

The Nerd

Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! [searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls] Wasn't there. [jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]

The Nerd

The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. [fake laugh] For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, "Let's party." That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. "Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future." And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. [a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins] My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? [stage restarts] Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

The Nerd

I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there any quality control here, you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean anything?! Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys "Я" Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! All the LJN ones, I can tell you that, but there are good games here, there are! Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Contra, Castlevania, Mega Man, but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES! It doesn't just have some "flaws," there's no good and bad. This game is all bad. Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's putrid! In fact, I even looked up the word "putrid" in the dictionary. There's no definition. It's just a picture of Bill and Ted on NES! Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT! It's... it's ass, it's garbage... And that's it, good night.

The Nerd

Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump, and mere descriptions can't even describe the inane lack of common sense that even a child would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and disgusting enough to even come close to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.

The Nerd

[yells] THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! [angrily] I know; They weren't thinking.

The Nerd

Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

The Nerd

Tiger games were so outdated they were never in-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like "Are video games art?" or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go [mimics playing a game with the sound effects]. Yeah, well [mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! [he drinks Rolling Rock] But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. [he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]

The Nerd

You know, there's been many games based on the Angry Video Game Nerd. Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. [referring to LJN.] Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. [The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.] Hmm. [shrugs his shoulders.] Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: The Angry Video Game by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

The Nerd

The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! Fuck! Dah! These beers are like the rock in Friday the 13th, and I already told you how bad that is. [his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen] Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. This game is all my fault. [groans in disgust]