The NerdIt takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist AVGN vs. Dr. Wily by ABOhiccups?
[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]
The Nerd
It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. [a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.] Yeah, that's me!
The Nerd
So basically, it's Mega Man 2, but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in Mega Man 2, one of the best games ever made, and I'm in it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.
The Nerd
And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, it's...Fred Fuchs. [spelled "Fred Fucks" in-game.] It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! [growls] FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH! [screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts] Got 'im! [in-game Nerd's text says, "Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!"]
The Nerd
Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! FUCK THIS GAME!
[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: *FILE DELETED*.]
The Nerd
Take that, game.
The Nerd
[reviews Home Improvement] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim "The Toolman" Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
The Nerd
I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says "REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS"! Very funny.
The Nerd
[playing Pit Fighter on SNES] As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it has to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played! Worse than Super Noah's Ark 3D, worse than Shaq-Fu, worse than Wizard of Oz, worse than Lester the Unlikely! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode Double Dragon was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is way more fun than Pit Fighter.
The Nerd
[after he plays Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet for the PlayStation] Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE! [sighs] All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage, on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played enough Spider-Man games. They're all terrible! But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
The Nerd
Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
The Nerd
And what do I hear? ["The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath plays] It's The Mob Rules, by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the same song, just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! [16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's "The Mob Rules" solo playing] I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
The Nerd
That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...LJN! The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]
["White Storm Dam" plays]
The Nerd
[in shock and happiness] My God. Oh, my God. THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH! OH, MY GOD! THEY MADE A GAME... THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT! OH, MY GOD! THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!
The Nerd
There was a game that was said to be even worse than Big Rigs. It was also a driving game and it's called Desert Bus. It was so unspeakable that it was cancelled before it was even released. It was one of six games included in Penn & Teller's Smoke and Mirrors for the Sega CD. That's right, Penn & Teller were behind this. And if you haven't heard of them, well, how do I sum it up? Basically, they're two of the greatest entertainers of our time. They mix magic and comedy, they perform it live, they defy physics, they're funny as hell, they attack bullshit, and they've been doing it for nearly 40 years.
The Nerd
[while he explains about Penn & Teller's Smoke and Mirrors] Of course the game was never released, but prior to its cancellation, it appeared on the Sega Visions magazine, and even made the front cover. The true reason it was cancelled was because the company, Absolute, went out of business. But like anything, the game found its way onto the Internet and has been circulated, people have played it, and it's become sort of a cult hit.
The Nerd
This is the game. You drive, drive, and drive. There's nothing out there, except for road and sand. Occasionally, there's a rock, or a sign. But that's it. There's no passengers to interact with, no music on the radio, nothing to keep you occupied, the road never turns, there's no other vehicles, and there's absolutely nothing. You can open the door with the B button. Basically, it makes a sound effect. That's a little something you can do to entertain yourself. [presses the B button as the bus opens the door] The bus can't go any faster than 45 miles per hour. I don't know why. Maybe Dennis Hopper has a bomb on it or something, so, there's no hope of speeding up this test of human attention span. So, how long is this trip? It's 360 miles to Las Vegas; at 45 miles per hour, that would mean eight hours. [his jaw drops open] THIS IS A FUCKING EIGHT-HOUR GAME! Whoever needs to take a road trip when you can simulate the whole experience in real-time on your Sega CD! [chuckles sarcastically] Aw, what were they thinking?!
The Nerd
Well, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna need several bathroom breaks. Let's pause it. [he tries to pause the game, but it honks the bus horn] What? The start button blows the horn. [he presses the Start button again and honks the bus horn again] There is no pause. You just have to keep driving! I wonder how many people have pissed their pants while playing this?! You can't even stop to get something to eat! The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says "No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?"
[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]
The Nerd
I'm drivin'. (hangs an air freshener on the camera)
The Nerd
But I'll never have the patience to get that far. I'll never even get a single point. Just gotta hold your thumb on this button for so long. [gets an idea] Wait. [exclaims and uses a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode] How do you like that trick, Penn & Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]
The Nerd
What, what? The fuck?! [grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to] It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. [The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and sighs deeply.] They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. [groans] They thought of everything. Goddamn you, Penn and Teller! [the bus runs out of gas] You have to sit here and drive the bus, just like in real life, and real life fucking sucks. [the tow truck noises are heard] Now I'm getting towed. Oh, boy. The towing is in real-time also! So, if you've driven 7 hours, does it take 7 hours for the game to start over? This is the most sadistic thing ever! There's no fun factor whatsoever. This makes Big Rigs look like a fucking party. Big Rigs isn't even a game, it has no challenge whatsoever, but here, the challenge comes from trying to stay awake from boredom!
The Nerd
For the past 10 years, I've been on a mission to warn the world of shitty games. And in all those years, this one takes the cake. I think I've finally hit the bottom of the barrel! [swats away at the car air freshener tree] The fact that a game like this could come into existence and that people have played it and suffered through it and even adapted it into an Atari 2600 game, means that I failed. [throws down the Sega Genesis controller] I've done everything I can. It's time to retire. [a black and white montage is shown of various clips from previous Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, while a piano version of the Angry Video Game Nerd Theme plays. The Nerd goes to his NES collection and pulls out "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest", but puts it back and pulls out a game, which says "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction", beside it. The Nerd shrugs.] One more. For old time's sake.
The Nerd
E.T. on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... IT STILL FUCKIN' SUCKS!
The Nerd
[after he completes the game] Phew! So, is it really the worst game of all time? Umm... I don't think so. It's frustrating, i-it's challenging, and it's a brainteaser... but, that's what makes it so addicting. And considering it was made in such a short period of time, it's more sophisticated than anything of its era. Raiders of the Lost Ark was just as strange and cryptic and that game was met with glowing praise. Both of these games came with instruction manuals. Now I can understand kids just wanting to pick up a game and enjoy it without having to read anything but, if you could understand Raiders, you could understand E.T. So what was it that gave this game such a reputation? I can't answer that. It's just something that happened... it's something we needed. Is there something mystical about the game? (The Nerd nods) There is. It's... a floor plan to Area 51 as well as an access key and every cartridge contained a piece of the alien ship, sure, but, forget about all of that! The mystical thing about all these old craptastic games is that, they somehow... hold a place in our hearts... and bring us back to that special time when we were kids, and that's the power of the classics... and... the not-so classics that we love to hate.
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
