The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

The NES got a different Star Wars game. [sees JVC logo] Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

The Nerd

Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. Ninja Gaiden II. Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. [he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II] Legend of Zelda! [presses the button and he beats said game] Beat it. Mega Man! [presses the button and he beats said game] Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! [stands up and walks to his NES library] All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! [he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of The Imperial March plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game] All right, back to Star Wars.

The Nerd

Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of Star Wars-related games so this could've gone on and on. With Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed, (That was a good one.) Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game, (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) Governor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie-- [a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.] OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

The Nerd

What's the difference? All these game suck. [walks toward another collection of games] All these games suck, too! I'm surrounded by filth! Might as well just cover my walls in shit! I'm living in shit! Fucking video games. We wasted so many hours of human life with this vile crap! We failed in our existence when we were cursed with the technology to invent such horrible mind-rotting catastrophes! We were better in the fucking medieval times! I wish we were just sitting on a river bank playing with fucking rocks!

The Nerd

This game sucks, and this game sucks, and this game sucks, and this game sucks... [picks up Atari 5200] This fucking thing barely even works. [takes out more devices, like the Virtual Boy, VictorMaxx Stuntmaster, the ColecoVision Expansion Module #2, the U-Force, the Atari 5200 Trak-Ball controller, and Coleco Telstar Arcade] And this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing... [the camera zooms in to some other games like the mini arcade games, as well as the ColecoVision] ...and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing... [crosses his arms] I don't like them. [walks to a shelf of games] Well, what are we gonna play this time?

The Nerd

Gyromite? That was one of the NES launch titles. Yeah, like Duck Hunt, ExciteBike, and Super Mario Bros.! All the initial classics! Let's try it out.

The Nerd

Oh, no, no, no, no-- [Professor Hector dies] [growls angrily] Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! [Professor Hector dies again] [exclaims] Ah! Fucking Smick's a dick!

The Nerd

You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

The Nerd

[he excitedly holds the box of NES games] If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: Nintendo World Championships. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! [starts opening up box with excitedly] Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! [anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled "NWC1990"; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text "Reproduction Cartridge", and the Nerd's joy slowly fades] This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. [he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves] Well, at least I can still say, "I own Nintendo World Championships". [he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf] It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.

The Nerd

I'm back. And so is Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Expendables 2 I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: Total Recall. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just FUCKIN' PISSED ME OFF, AND RUINED MY WHOLE GOD DAMN WEEKEND!!!

The Nerd

I've already talked about the Terminator games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

The Nerd

[playing "Last Action Hero" on NES] It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with Total Recall! Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the E.T. game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, [stutters] I can't talk about that game.

The Nerd

[after playing "Conan" on NES] Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? [he drinks Rolling Rock] And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the Conan the Barbarian movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

The Nerd

All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: Predator. How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think "Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!" This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. [puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink] Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

The Nerd

This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than "Start", you will self-destruct. This can be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the "A" or "B" button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say "Oops!". Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick "Continue". If you pick "Start", your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor on "Start" by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the "Select" button, which is right next to the "Start" button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. That is some sadistic bullshit.

The Nerd

This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

The Nerd

[gets killed] Fuck! All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. [he accidentally selects "Start" instead of "Continue", and is shocked] Oops. I hit Start? I hit Start... I gotta go all the way back to the beginning. [The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!! [chokes himself with the controller] FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! [drinks Rolling Rock] That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker right now!