Keswick quotes from T.U.F.F. Puppy

I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we'll never run out of potato salad.

Chief

There's no news bad enough to offset that!

And the bad news is I can't stop the effects of the grow-faster blaster, which means big trouble for Agent Puppy.

Dudley

Oh, no! I'm gonna turn into a potato! My seventh greatest fear has been realized!

Chief

But we're still good with the potato salad, right?

Dudley

[with his eyes closed tightly] I can't bear to look! Am I potato?!

Dudley

[relieved after letting out a massive fart by blowing up and destroying the headquarters building] Ah, that's better! I mean, gross, Kitty!

Chief

Believe it or not, my horoscope said this would happen.

What do you know? "A giant dog fart will destroy everything you've worked for."

Kitty

"You will soar to new heights."

Dudley

[confused] I don't get it. [grows even more huge] Oh, now I get it! Hang on, I got an itch.

You can't discuss official T.U.F.F. business in front of a civilian.

Chief

Who are you calling a civilian? I'm the Chief!

Not anymore. I deactivated your security… [stutters] clearance when I thought you retired.

Chief

That's ridiculous! I'm going to my office.

It's always a pleasure to hang out with my best friend, Dudley Puppy.

Dudley

This is awesome! I have so many famous bird friends!

Agent Puppy, get out of the simulation station.

Dudley

Come on, Keswick. This is your coolest invention ever! Whatever I imagine in here becomes real! In fact, could you come in here for a second? I'd like to imagine you not bothering me.

Agent Puppy, I created the simulation station to train agents for dangerous, real-life situations, not so you could good off with a has-been actor and a lame duck president.

Dudley

He's not a duck. He's an eagle. Besides, Kitty said it was okay.

I did. I think everything Dudley does is okay, if not amazing.

That is not the real Agent Katswell.

Dudley

I know. I call her, "agreeable Kitty." She's way better. [sees the real Kitty and gets startled]

Kitty

Better, Dudley? How is she better?

Dudley

Well, for one thing, she doesn't scare me like you just did. Also, her head is a gumball machine.

Chief

Agent Puppy, I'm only gonna ask you this once. Did you take Keswick's coffee cup? [Keswick whispers to him; shocked] He did what?! That's way worse! Agents Puppy and Katswell, go get that simulated Michael Crane, and bring him back to T.U.F.F.! Keswick, go put agreeable Kitty back in the simulation station.

One second, Chief. I'm trying to get a cherry gumball. [Agreeable Kitty explodes] The gumballs were all backed up.

[eating an Animal Quacker] These taste like sugar cookies!

Kitty

Don't tell anyone I said this, but these are even better than my Carp Tarts!

I'm from the Carp Tarts company, and I heard that. You're fired, Ms. Katswell.

Kitty

You've been spying on me?

The Carp Tarts company checks up on all their spokespeople. [chuckles] Oh, boy, hiding behind a ficus sure works up an appetite. [eats an Animal Quacker] Mm! Man, these are better than Carp Tarts! [chuckles] I can say that, 'cause no one's spying on me.

Wrong, Bill! You're FIRED!

[disappointed] Oh, great. Now I gotta go sell board games in the alley. [walks away, moping]

Dudley

I'm sorry you lost your spokesperson job, Kitty, but the important thing is, I still have mine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to use my super deep TV voice to sell more cookies!

Chief

Okay, I've had some time to get over the mop. And I've decided I can't get over the mop. So we're going after it! Keswick, break out the heavy artillery.

I would, Chief. But the key to activate the weapon system is in… [stutters] Kitty's purse. [cheekily] Just kidding, it's in my f-fanny pack. [takes the key out of his pack; chuckles]

Chief

[laughs] Yeah, good one, Keswick.

Okay, the dragon astronaut may now kiss the bride.

What?

Kitty

Nobody said anything about kissing!

Dudley

If I object, will someone taser me?

Chief

Ha! Good one, Keswick. I missed your cruel whimsy. Come on, let's share a piece of wedding cake. My stomach is rumbling.

That's not your stomach, Chief. It's the frosting pipeline. It's gonna [stutters] blow!

Mmm. Chief, this three-bean salad you made is delicious!

Chief

Thanks. Although to tell you the truth, I didn't make it. I just took it out of the refrigerator. There's all kinds of stuff in here.

[stuttering] Wait a minute. This is my Spill-The-Beans Salad! It's just as powerful as my… [stutters] truth syrup, but with fewer calories!

Chief

Oh, no! Truth beans give me gas. To be honest, I always have gas, but I blame it on Agent Puppy. Oh!

I never have gas. I'm an alien. Oops!

Chief

Keswick, are you really an alien?

No. Yes. I'm hiding out on Earth because I'm wanted on my own planet for cooking stinky fish at work. Super strict planet.

Kitty

Oh, my gosh! We've been robbed!

Dudley

We should call T.U.F.F.!

Kitty

We are T.U.F.F.

Dudley

Then we should call ourselves. Except we can't, our phones were stolen.

Chief

Oh, there's no crime. The government just cut our funding and took all our stuff. They even took my monitor cart and replaced it with this little red wagon and magnifying glass. Oh, they don't appreciate us anymore. Wow, it's hot in here!

Who cares what the government thinks? We're dedicated crime fighters, and no one can stop us from doing our job. [stutters] By the way, are they still paying us?

Chief

Yes, but with buttons and grated cheese.

See ya.

Kitty

Keswick, don't go!

Dudley

Let him go, Kitty. I want his buttons and cheese.

I'm not going anywhere.

Chief

You realize the importance of loyalty?

No, they turned off the power to the elevators. And there's no way I'm… [stutters] walking down 111 flights of stairs.

Dudley

Well, at least the government didn't take our vending machine. I'm gonna get a candy bar. [tries sticking a button in the vending machine coin slot, but it doesn't go in] Great! This thing doesn't take buttons. What are all these weird foods in here?

Chief

To save money. They replaced all the good stuff with cheap generic snacks. Is anyone else hot?

Dudley

"Onion Wrongs"? "Stale Mix"? "Grief Jerky"? [pounds vending machine] It's sad, cause there's nothing in the bag. [kicks vending machine] "Powdered Do-nots?" [eats but gags] Oh, "Do not" eat them. Okay, why couldn't this bag have been empty?

That's not real powdered sugar. Everything in that… [stutters] vending machine is made from Chemical 19. It's perfectly safe, as long as you're immune to radiation and your body has the ability to… [stutters] digest glass.

Chief

Let me guess, Tammy trouble?

Yeah. It just seems my wooing isn't working.

Dudley

Well, maybe Kitty can (help) give you some girl advice. She's kind of a girl.

Kitty

[flicks Dudley in the ear; annoyed] Thanks, Dudley. And you're kind of a secret agent. So, how exactly have you been wooing her, Keswick?

Well, let's see, I snuck into her house, then wrote "I love you" on her bathroom mirror in ketchup.

Agent Puppy, this is a nightmare!

Dudley

You're telling me. I really wanted that lemon cream donut.

I'm never gonna win Tammy over. [sighs in depression]

Dudley

You just gotta keep trying, Keswick. I know women, and the one thing they love is being desperately pursued by a guy they're not interested in.

Kitty

Forget about the snack pockets. Dudley shouldn't be playing with dangerous equipment. We're talking about a guy who eats crayons on a daily basis.

Dudley

They make going to the bathroom colorful. Besides, all I did was create that frightening and mysterious hole in the air.

Oh, no! This is terrible. You got… [stutters] crayon on my lab coat!