This could be the year of the beard.
LLoudspeaker
I hear voices in my head...
JJBL
You've gotta be kidding me.
Mr. Money in the Bank, Randy Orton, briefcase and contract in tow.
JJBL
Randy Orton's gonna cash in.
[Randy stops before ringside]
Is Randy Orton gonna ruin Bryan's moment? [Randy holds the briefcase up, takes a few steps toward the ring...] The Champ not backing down. [...then turns around and walks back] And Randy Orton with a little message, just a little reminder to the WWE Champion.
DBDaniel Bryan
[as Randy stops halfway up and turns around] YES!
[Triple H turns Daniel around, kicks him in the gut...]
JJBL
What are you doing?!
What the hell?! [...and Pedigrees him. Randy enters the ring and hands the briefcase to Triple H.] Oh my God, no. Oh my God, no! Hunter, what are you doing?!
THTriple H
[handing the briefcase to the announcer] Ring the bell now. Ring it.
Hunter, what are you doing? This match is underway. Bryan's out cold. [Randy turns Daniel onto his back and covers him.] Randy Orton...[Triple H counts to three, with the crowd counting alongside him] Randy Orton has cashed in Money in the Bank. Randy Orton is a seven-time WWE Champion.
The winner of this match and NEW WWE Champion: Randy Orton!
Oh my God! Triple H, wha...?
JJBL
What the hell just happened?
[struggling to say it] It just isn't real.
JJBL
Talk about a damper on the party. This is the damnedest SummerSlam I've ever seen.
You've gotta be kidding me.
JJBL
You can't help but feel bad for Daniel Bryan.
Daniel Bryan...Daniel Bryan.
Well, you know what, guys? Look at it this way—Mr. McMahon just got his wish. He didn't want Cena to be Champion, and he sure as hell didn't want Daniel Bryan to be Champion.
JJBL
On Paige's 22nd birthday, she becomes a 2-time Divas Champion!
Guys, we've had two matches and two title changes here tonight.
What an incredible performance by Paige, and what a counter, guys, of AJ's Black Widow submission maneuver.
JJBL
What an incredible SummerSlam so far! Happy birthday, Paige!
[Paige sits a barely conscious AJ up and hugs her, gives her a kiss, and shoves her back down. She skips around the ring]
JJBL
Paige does have affection, she does love AJ.
Come on, this is... As you said, Michael, that's a little creepy.
What a specimen. [Brock picks up Cena over his shoulders] Oh, my God, Cena on top. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar going for the F-5. [Lesnar hits the F-5 and covers Cena] For the Championship, Lesnar with the cover. [Referee counts to three] Lesnar has won the WWE World Title in convincing fashion!
The winner of this match...and NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Brock Lesnar!
JJBL
That is the most dominating performance I have ever seen in a championship match in my life.
Lesnar has conquered John Cena.
JJBL
Lesnar destroyed a 15-time World Champion, he destroyed the Streak. This man, Brock Lesnar, is unstoppable.
This was a merciless assault.
JJBL
I think Brock could've ended it earlier. He just didn't want to. I never dreamed I would see this happen to John Cena.
What a 2014 for Brock Lesnar - the most dominant year of any athlete here in WWE! He stops the undefeated streak at WrestleMania of the Undertaker, and he slays John Cena!
PHPaul Heyman
[to Brock] You are the conqueror, and you've conquered the WWE Universe!
XWXavier Woods
Brooklyn, now, we know that your city is used to feeling filthy and disgusting, so we brought you some positivity. I mean, look at how clean we are. Everybody, get your cameras out and see how good we look!
JLJohn "Bradshaw" Layfield
They are clean.
KKKofi Kingston
You see, today, we're gonna teach up about a little something called hip...hop, something that New York doesn't know anything about. Y'all don't know nothing about hip-hop, because hip-hop originated in the South.
XXavier
Peace up, A-Town down!
KKofi
So it goes a little something like this. [The New Day enters the ring] Hold on now, come on, come on. You know Jay-Z's tried this, but Jay-Z failed. The good news is the New Day's about to make it a whole lot better. All right, pitch pipes to C. Pitch pipes to C.
[The New Day blows into their pipes]
KKofi
[to tune of "Empire State of Mind"] Let's hear it for New Day
XXavier
Negativity won't affect us
KKofi
Clap 'cause it's infectious
XXavier
Let's hear it for New Day
BEBig E
All those other tag teams are booty
Yeah, I said booty
XXavier
Let's hear it for New Day
NDNew Day
New Day, New Daaa...[brief stop for breath]...aaayyyyy
...
JJBL
Jay-Z's gonna sign those guys if he can afford 'em.
[As Jon Stewart runs into the Cena-Rollins match with a chair, between the two]
JJBL
What is Jon Stewart doing?
JJBL
He told Cena in the pre-show, "if you need any help, I'm there."
Well, remember Stewart's had major issues with Rollins on his old Daily Show.
Jon, don't do this. You cannot do this.
JJBL
Jon Stewart has no business being in there, none. It's a World Championship match, get him out of there!
Cena has no idea what's going on, he can't even see. [Jon rams Cena in the stomach with the chair] Oh, come on! What the hell did he do that for?!
[Jon throws the chair at Seth's feet and scurries out of the ring. Seth hits the Pedigree on Cena]
Jon Stewart, what have you done?!
Pedigree on the chair! A Pedigree on the chair! [Rollins tosses the chair out and covers Cena] Rollins is gonna win the US Title! You gotta be kidding me!
JJBL
What did Jon Stewart do that for?!
[Chad Patton counts to three]
JJBL
Why would he do that?!
Rollins has made history thanks to Jon Stewart!
LGLilian Garcia
Ladies and gentlemen, your United States and WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Seth Rollins!
JJBL
The hell did we just see?!
The host of SummerSlam just helped Seth Rollins win!
Seth Rollins, the first man to hold the United States Title and the WWE World Title, but what did we just see?
Jon Stewart has gone from Daily Show host to SummerSlam criminal here tonight.
JJBL
Maybe SummerSlam hero; depends on your perspective, Michael.
Oh, come on, that wasn't right and you know it, John.