JSJon Stewart
You know, I've spent the last 16 years talking about politics; it's nice to be back in reality.
“2015”
In this episode: JBL (4), Jerry Lawler (2), Michael Cole (2), John Layfield (1)
XWXavier Woods
Brooklyn, now, we know that your city is used to feeling filthy and disgusting, so we brought you some positivity. I mean, look at how clean we are. Everybody, get your cameras out and see how good we look!
JLJohn "Bradshaw" Layfield
They are clean.
KKKofi Kingston
You see, today, we're gonna teach up about a little something called hip...hop, something that New York doesn't know anything about. Y'all don't know nothing about hip-hop, because hip-hop originated in the South.
XXavier
Peace up, A-Town down!
KKofi
So it goes a little something like this. [The New Day enters the ring] Hold on now, come on, come on. You know Jay-Z's tried this, but Jay-Z failed. The good news is the New Day's about to make it a whole lot better. All right, pitch pipes to C. Pitch pipes to C.
BEBig E
Got it.
[The New Day blows into their pipes]
KKofi
[to tune of "Empire State of Mind"] Let's hear it for New Day
XXavier
Negativity won't affect us
KKofi
Clap 'cause it's infectious
XXavier
Let's hear it for New Day
BEBig E
All those other tag teams are booty
Yeah, I said booty
XXavier
Let's hear it for New Day
NDNew Day
New Day, New Daaa...[brief stop for breath]...aaayyyyy
...
JJBL
Jay-Z's gonna sign those guys if he can afford 'em.
XXavier
Tricep meat all day long! Big E's got the market cornered on tricep meat! You can't even get a hamburger in WWE because Big E sells nothing but tricep meat!
JJBL
That's what happens when you have a Ph.D, Michael—you've got a lot to say like Xavier Woods.
JJon
Paul Heyman, I'm a big fan. I call you the Apex Orator.
PHPaul Heyman
Thank you. I consider that a compliment.
JJon
It is a compliment. May I have a word with Mr. Lesnar?
PPaul
Now's not really a good time.
JJon
Because I'm an Undertaker guy, is that what this is?
PPaul
Well...that's not the only reason, but if I may. What happened when your guy fought my Beast, what do you got to say about that?
JJon
You're pretty happy about that, right? The victory. You know who wasn't happy about that? Wrestling fans. See, that's what I am; I'm a wrestling fan. And the Undertaker had perfection. He had a streak that hadn't been seen, 21-0. You know who people remember? Joe DiMaggio and his streak. You know who they don't remember? The guy who ended that streak. So let me ask you something. When you watched WrestleMania, were you happy to see the fans' faces, the disappointment and the sadness of those people who paid good money to come out and see perfection? But there you were as the advocate, rubbing salt, salt in the wound of every wrestling fan everywhere. They came out there to WrestleMania that day hoping to see magic, perfection. It was Christmas morning, they had that present, they opened it up, and they didn't get a puppy. You know what they got, you know what you gave them, you and the guy with the head and the shoulders and the dagger on the chest? You know what you gave them? Coal. Are you happy about that? What do you have to say about that?
PPaul
[to tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"] Glory, glory, Brock Lesnar
Glory, glory, Brock Lesnar
I guess we couldn't get David Letterman to host the show tonight.
[As Jon Stewart runs into the Cena-Rollins match with a chair, between the two]
JJBL
What is Jon Stewart doing?
Jon Stewart?
JJBL
He told Cena in the pre-show, "if you need any help, I'm there."
Well, remember Stewart's had major issues with Rollins on his old Daily Show.
Jon, don't do this. You cannot do this.
JJBL
Jon Stewart has no business being in there, none. It's a World Championship match, get him out of there!
I can't believe this.
Cena has no idea what's going on, he can't even see. [Jon rams Cena in the stomach with the chair] Oh, come on! What the hell did he do that for?!
[Jon throws the chair at Seth's feet and scurries out of the ring. Seth hits the Pedigree on Cena]
Jon Stewart, what have you done?!
Pedigree on the chair! A Pedigree on the chair! [Rollins tosses the chair out and covers Cena] Rollins is gonna win the US Title! You gotta be kidding me!
JJBL
What did Jon Stewart do that for?!
Not like this!
[Chad Patton counts to three]
JJBL
Why would he do that?!
Rollins has made history thanks to Jon Stewart!
LGLilian Garcia
Ladies and gentlemen, your United States and WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Seth Rollins!
JJBL
The hell did we just see?!
The host of SummerSlam just helped Seth Rollins win!
Seth Rollins, the first man to hold the United States Title and the WWE World Title, but what did we just see?
Jon Stewart has gone from Daily Show host to SummerSlam criminal here tonight.
JJBL
Maybe SummerSlam hero; depends on your perspective, Michael.
Oh, come on, that wasn't right and you know it, John.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SummerSlam pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.