Jordan McDeere quotes from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Matt

Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?

Jack

He failed a drug test?

Jordan

Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Should have trusted me a little, Danny.

Matt

[to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.

Danny

Yeah.

Matt

[turning to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.

Danny

I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.

Jordan

Why?

Danny

You work in television.

Jordan, can you describe the reaction of NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as "a candy-assed network" and "a greed-filled whorehouse of a network"?

Jordan

Pleased and proud, as you can imagine. Until we realized he wasn't talking about Fox, he was talking about us.

Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him?

Jordan

I can't remember, I was high at the time.

Jack

You know what, Mary? You got spunk.

I hate spunk.

Jack

They never lose, Jordan. They always win.

Jordan

And they might this time, but I'm not going down in the first round. And if the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out, we'll welcome them back in -- at 120% of the cost of the original ad buy. We're going to be the first network to charge a coward fee.

Jack

[to himself] I hate spunk.

Danny

Things happen around here. People blowing smoke out of their office windows at night?!

Jordan

Tell me no one is getting high in this building, Danny.

Danny

You're shocked that drugs are a part of late night comedy? The Coneheads, Toonces the Driving Cat? You think Belushi and Farley died of Lou Gehrig's disease?

Jordan

Tell me it's not happening here.

Danny

It's not happening here.

Jordan

So, I'm hiding here tonight. This is like, for me, Superman's Dome of Pleasure.

Cal

Fortress of Solitude?

Jordan

Yes!

Cal

Well, enjoy yourself.

Jordan

I believe I will!

Harriet

Young girls attend these events. They admire me. I'm in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.

Jordan

Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.

Jordan

[answering her cell phone] Hello?

Danny

Danny.

Jordan

Danny who?

Danny

Danny Tripp!

Jordan

I know. I was just being dry. Why don't people ever get that?

Danny

Well, for one thing--

Jordan

And then I was being rhetorical!

Danny

I'll tell ya, considering me and half the cast spend most of the day in Pahrump, Nevada, I thought it was a pretty good show.

Matt

Yeah?

Danny

I did.

Matt

Indiana? Illinois? Missouri? Are rebel forces gathering?

Danny

No.

Matt

Then why are we praying for peace in the Midwest?

Danny

Girl's nice to look at.

Jordan

I saw the end... and I think we should all take a moment to consider the suffering in Des Moines.

Jordan

Don't let the nurse give me the shot! [Danny re-enters, having gone to fetch the nurse]

You're/I'm Pregnant.

Danny

If you were over 35, then what we gotta do is stick a needle about half a foot into your stomach, and get some fluid from your pre-natal girth.

Jordan

Why are you here?

Danny

Morale.

Jordan

I really don't need help.

Danny

Not now, but you will soon, 'cause this says you gonna have to make a journey of 1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud.

Jordan

Danny....

Danny

Wait, that can't be you.

Jordan

(snickering) No.

Danny

It's an Alaskan King Crab that does that.

Jordan

This is the time for a lecture?

Danny

No, that was about twelve weeks ago. By the way, did you and the last honest man on the planet get loaded on Jägermeister and forgot that there's like five hundred different kinds of birth control?

Have you told anyone?

Jordan

Just my assistant, Kevin. That's it.

And... Mr. Tripp?

Jordan

I had to tell him.

Danny

She wanted to.

Jordan

I was semi-conscious. I had to make sure he wasn't gonna force a B-12 injection on me.

You've just described the beginning of every great love story.

Jordan

It's not the end of the world!

Danny

No, it's not. But it's a continuation of the one-sheet world.

Jordan

What's a one-sheet world?

Danny

You know, a movie poster, a one-sheet. "I think we'll do the Green Lantern -- I can see the one-sheet now. Don't worry that we don't have a story -- we're gonna make all our money before word-of-mouth can kill us, anyway." We elect Presidents the same way. "He's got a big name, he'll raise money, he'll get the nomination! We'll teach him how to be President later!"